Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.
loved the one you posted awhile back--life explained--makes perfect sense to me lol
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."
A Texan non-Jew came to New York for the first time, having never tasted Jewish food. On the recommendation of a friend, he went to the Lower East Side to eat at a real Jewish restaurant.
He looked at a menu, but everything on it was strange and new and he simply didn't know what to order. When the waitress came, he pointed to a dish on another table and asked what it was.
The waitress replied, "That's matzo-balls".
"OK," said the Texan, "I'll have that."
He got his dish, and was finishing it with relish when the waitress came back again. He looked up and said:
"Ma'am, that was truly delicious. I never had anything like this before. Tell me, do you serve any other parts of the matza?"
What did you Learn Today?
A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"
He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."
The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."
The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"
The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!"
Why wouldn't the skeleton jump off the cliff?
Cause he had no guts!
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said,
"only we see stars, too."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem; I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
What is IRS?
Η αμερικανικη εφορια ειναι...
Internal Revenue Service. they're the people that do ur taxes.
Who'd have thought it!!
They're the people that turn poor people into the poverty stricken here in America.
Same here in Oz.LOL
And in Canada ...
Eve's Side of the Story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God,"
she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the
sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these
breasts you gave me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and
snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.
Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two
breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God. "It was my first shot at this, you
know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only
half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You
see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
create a man from a part of you. Now let's see..... where did I put that
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
Dog writes to Heaven
Dear Heaven: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear Heaven: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear Heaven: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear Heaven: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear Heaven: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear Heaven: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear Heaven: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear Heaven: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last two questions...
Dear Heaven: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
LOL, sweet one, Rita !
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Trees
* It's important to have roots.
* In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.
* Don't pine away over old flames.
* If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.
* Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.
* Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.
* If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.
* To be politically correct, don't wear firs.
* Grow where you're planted.
* It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.
* Avoid people who would like to cut you down.
* Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.
* If the party gets boring, just leaf.
* You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.
You know you're a Californian if...
* Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
* You incone exceeds $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
* You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
* You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
* A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
* Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
* Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
* Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
* It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
* It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
* Both you AND your dog have therapists.
* The Terminator is your governor.
* If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Corporate America
1) Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2) The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
3) Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
4) Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
5) I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
6) One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
7) Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
9) Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
10) The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
Where Should I Park?
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Well, okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Well, okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "What am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."
Wrong Way Herman
As a 100 year old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal
told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and
behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck.! "
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
The Philosopher's Song (Monty Python)
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could drink you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya'
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
SOCRATES, HIMSELF, WAS PERMANENTLY PISSED...
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away
Hall drank whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am"
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
An Inmate's Last Wish
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.
But when they asked him if he wanted something special for his last meal, he didn't want anything. When they asked if there was one last thing he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman doesn't really want to hire him so he says he won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when do I a start?"
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