Good Advice

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by beetlejuice, Apr 20, 2004.

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  1. beetlejuice

    beetlejuice Registered Member

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    30 Minutes to a Cleaner House

    You're getting company in 30 minutes.
    Your house is a mess.
    WHAT WILL YOU DO?

    Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for
    Mothers.
    If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.
    However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret
    Shortcuts to Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

    SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
    If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days, much less 30
    minutes, employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to
    go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and can't find the key.
    Of course, the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow. CAUTION: It is
    not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
    Time: 2 seconds


    SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
    No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing
    repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just
    about anything. No muss, no fuss.
    Time: 2-3 minutes


    SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
    If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at
    least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great
    place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want
    to get out of sight when company's coming.
    Time: 2 minutes


    SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
    Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects
    here.
    Time: 2.5 minutes


    SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
    Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
    Time: 3 minutes


    SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
    No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust
    ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the
    colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and
    best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer
    to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
    Time: 4 minutes


    SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
    The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can
    dust around.
    Time: 3 minutes


    SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
    Don't use them. Use plastic or paper plates and you won't have to.
    Time: 1 minute


    SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)
    This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's
    mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you
    can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side
    out and, yes, rerun it. CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and
    those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.
    Time: 3 seconds


    SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
    If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a
    curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand
    to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so
    I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
    Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)


    SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
    Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't
    bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks
    there anyway.
    Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only


    SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
    The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad
    lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
    Time: 10 seconds


    SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING
    Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up
    or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
    Time: 0


    SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
    Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
    Time: 1 minute


    SECRET TIP 15:
    If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about
    inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home. :D
     
  2. slammer_JvA

    slammer_JvA Registered Member

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    Below sea-level. Safe and sound behind our dikes:
    Hear hear hear

    a big salute for beatlejuice ;)
     
  3. MikeBCda

    MikeBCda Registered Member

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    southern Ont. Canada
    This one's a classic for general repairs too, since you only need to ever own more than two tools:

    If it moves but isn't supposed to, use duct tape;
    If it doesn't move but is supposed to, use WD-40.
    :D
     
  4. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Location:
    SW. Oklahoma
    I wonder if these words of wisdom come from experience or just deep thought :D ;)
     
  5. dragonbreath

    dragonbreath Guest

    Wow man! Like thanks man for the tips man.Like i knew i wasn't the only one who wears their underwear for more than like 30 days at a time man before reversing it for like another 30. You are righteous man totally righteous.
     
  6. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

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    San Diego
    Loooooooooooooool!
    They were good! :D
     

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  7. dog

    dog Guest

    Now that's Funny ... it actually took me 15 mins. to read it all the way through ... it's impossible to read when your laughing so hard your eyes water up ... and it also almost caused me to have a wee [sic] accident. :eek:

    I've got this bookmark ... for when I need a good laugh :D

    Thanks Beetlejuice

    *puppy*
     
  8. dangitall

    dangitall Registered Member

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    Location:
    New Hamster, USA
    Gee whiz ... another mechanical pro! (You've been inside my toolbox, haven't you?! ;) )
     
  9. HandsOff

    HandsOff Registered Member

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    Location:
    Bay Area, California
    I don't get the joke if there was one. I have one to add to the list, though it is just a minor one, I use it alot. You know that canned air youre supposed to use to clean your computers internals? It makes a great alternative to dusting. instead of dusting nick nacks and spraying and wiping just blow the dust to a less visable spot.

    think of it as a leaf blower for inside the house

    - HandsOff
     
  10. nadirah

    nadirah Registered Member

    Joined:
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    Posts:
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    Also, clean the inside of your computer's CPU free of dust. Too much dust and your computer could be suffocating for air.
     
  11. Cochise

    Cochise A missed friend

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    Location:
    North Thoresby Lincs Good Olde England
    Of course you forgot to mention a couple of other alternatives, as the famous Quentin Crisp said " Dust only gets so high on an object then it falls off" and also, if the house is a tip and unexpected company is about to arrive just stick a 'Quarantined Leprosy Victim' sticker on your door, problem solved.....We do it all the time....never get the Bailiffs, Insurance men, Double Glazing Salesmen, Jehovahs Witnesses, Relatives, Hawkers, Neighbours, etc., No problem with good friends though cos they know the secret.....Looooool....

    Cochise, :cool:
     
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