joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    Be a Kid Today

    1 Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
    2 Dot all your "i"'s with smiley faces.
    3 Sing into your hairbrush.
    4 Grow a milk mustache.
    5 Smile back at the man in the moon.
    6 Read the funnies. Throw the rest of the paper away.
    7 Dunk your cookies.
    8 Ask somebody if their refrigerator is running.
    9 Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.
    10 Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach.
    11 Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.
    12 Pretend your bread rolls are tap dancing.
    13 Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
    14 Change into some play clothes.
    15 Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
    16 Have a staring contest with your cat.
    17 Eat ice cream for breakfast.
    18 Kiss a frog just in case.
    19 Give someone a "Hug-around-the-neck".
    20 Blow the wrapper off a straw.
    21 Refuse to eat crusts.
    22 Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no".
    23 Watch TV in your pajamas.
    24 Ask "Why?" a lot.
    25 Make graham-cracker-and-frosting sandwiches.
    26 Believe in fairy tales.
    27 Have someone read you a story.
    28 Eat dessert first.
    29 Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match.
    30 Sneak some frosting off a cake.
    31 Refuse to back down in a "did vs. did-not argument".
    32 Do a cartwheel.
    33 Get someone to buy you something you don't really need.
    34 Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
    35 Stay up past your bedtime.
    36 Whatever you're doing, stop once in a while for recess.
    37 Wear red gym shoes.
    38 Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.
    39 Sit really still for as long as the dog is asleep in your lap.
    40 Put way too much sugar on your cereal.
     
  2. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    Dear Staff,

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    PERSONAL DAYS:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

    LUNCH BREAKS:
    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

    SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    RESTROOM USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

    SURGERY:
    As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

    Have a nice week.
     
  3. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
    The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to a rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia :)-


    Amzanig huh? And yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt !!!!
     
  4. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    In case you needed further proof that the human race is seriously challenged, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    On a Sear's hairdryer:
    ....Do not use while sleeping.
    (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

    On a bag of Fritos:
    ....You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
    (the shoplifter special?)

    On a bar of Dial soap:
    "Directions: Use like regular soap."
    (and that would be howo_O....)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners:
    "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
    (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

    Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
    "Do not turn upside down."
    (well...duh, a bit late, huh?)

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    "Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thoughto_O?...)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
    "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
    "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid:
    "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (and...I'm taking this becauseo_O....)

    On most brands of Christmas lights:
    "For indoor or outdoor use only."
    (as opposed to...what?)

    On a Japanese food processor:
    "Not to be used for the other use."
    (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

    On Sainsbury's peanuts:
    "Warning: contains nuts."
    (talk about a news flash)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
    (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

    On a child's superman costume:
    "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
    (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

    On a Swedish chainsaw:
    "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
    (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
     
  5. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2003
    Posts:
    163,072
    Location:
    Texas
    Thanks Rita. I guess I need to read the instructions more closely. :D
     
  6. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2003
    Posts:
    163,072
    Location:
    Texas
    A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
     
  7. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    That was me before I reformed (or should I say before I tried reforming) :D :D
     
  8. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2003
    Posts:
    163,072
    Location:
    Texas
    The Ultimate Stress Diet
    {source not known}

    This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

    BREAKFAST:
    1/2 grapefruit
    1 slice whole wheat toast
    8 oz. skim milk

    LUNCH:
    4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
    l cup steamed spinach
    1 cup herb tea
    1 Oreo cookie

    MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
    The rest of Oreos in the package
    2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
    1 jar hot fudge sauce

    DINNER:
    2 loaves garlic bread
    4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
    1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
    3 Snickers bars

    LATE EVENING NEWS:
    Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

    RULE FOR THIS DIET:
    1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
    2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
    3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
    4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
    5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
    6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. EXAMPLES: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
    7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
    8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
    9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. EXAMPLES: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
    10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
    11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass
    12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

    Remember, "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts."
     
  9. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    great diet--just fits me to a tee :D
     
  10. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    The Riders

    Four elderly ladies came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, "Did you ladies have a good game today?"

    The first lady said, "Oh, I had three riders today."

    The second lady said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

    The third lady said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

    The last lady said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you proud of me?"

    After they went into the ladies locker room, another golfer who had overheard the ladies went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what the heck is a rider?"

    The pro said, "A rider occurs when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
     
  11. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
  12. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
  13. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Eight Words with Male & Female Meanings

    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female... Any part under a car's hood.
    Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male... Playing hockey without a cup.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
    Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female... An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
    Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male... Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
     
  14. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  15. Firecat

    Firecat Registered Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2005
    Posts:
    8,251
    Location:
    The land of no identity :D
    Sigh..You guys seem to forget I'm reading all this...OK though, I won't use any of what I've learnt.

    NOW LETS GET TO CHILDREN'S DESCRIPTIONS:

    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

    Anything that is unknown.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

    A bell from Vulnera. (If he/she knows what it means)...'You some kinda loser'?

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

    Talking to that call centre operator on your phone...

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

    A permanent/long-term term to jail or school....

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

    TV, Books, teasing.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

    Something that makes stomach hurt?

    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

    ''Y'know, rubbing their skin together or holdin' hands like they do in movies''

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

    That toy which makes the TV obey you.

    Was that good?
     
  16. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    A Day of Mourning for Hokey Pokey Fans

    With all the sadness and trauma of today’s world, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed.

    Last week, Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey,” died peacefully at age 93.

    The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started…
     
  17. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Here ya go, bb!!
    .....................
    Almost Everything’s Bigger in Texas

    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation and meets an Aussie farmer.

    The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh? We have wheat fields that are at least twice at large!"

    Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
    The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

    The conversation almost dies when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

    He asks, "And what are those?"

    The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any rabbits in Texas?"
     
  18. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Biker's Last Request

    A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, warden. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n you'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

    "Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

    "That you kill me first."
     
  19. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  20. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  21. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Clean As Cold Water

    A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"

    His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."

    That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

    Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"

    Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game his Grandfather was watching, he shouted, "Coldwater, move!"
     
  22. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Country Dee-Vorce

    A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

    The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

    The farmer said, "Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces."

    The attorney asked, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

    The farmer replied, "Yeah. I got about 140 acres."

    The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"

    The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

    The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

    The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

    The attorney said, "No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

    The farmer said, "Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to Church on Sundays."

    The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

    The farmer said, "No, sir, we both get up about 4:30."

    Finally, the attorney asked, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

    And the farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her!"
     
  23. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  24. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Fence Building by a Mathematician

    One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence off the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.

    The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.

    The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.

    The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."
     
  25. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.