joke of the day

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/hells/more/36_11_6.gif

 

What Ticket??

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the owner and stuffed her the trunk.

Officer: There's a body in the trunk?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun?? (opens the glove box) ...There's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: I said what?
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: That lying so and so! Hell, I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!

 

Keep them coming, people !

After I have a chance to read some, I pass them along !! ​

 

It's been ages since I last waded thru this thread, so it's remotely possible that someone already did this one (or a reasonable facsimile, as they say). But what the heck ...

This minister had had numerous differences of opinion and sometimes even clashes with members of his congregation. So eventually it was decided to replace him.

On the Sunday that he gave his last sermon, he said "You all have your opinions, and I have mine, and we each believe we're right. You've made your choice, and while I'm not happy with it I'll have to live with it. So there'll be no harsh words or blame cast today.

"But as I walk up the aisle to leave here for the last time, kindly note the sprig of mistletoe attached to my coat-tail."

 

Operation

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other?
The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

 

Aging Without Exercise:


A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret to a long, happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

 

A Man's Wish:


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Then he ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted, and though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed, where he was expected to make love (which he managed to get through without complaint).

The next morning he woke up and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I believe you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."

 

16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

***********
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes frome zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat!"

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday!

Mark your calendar guys!!

 

How many men does it take to do housework?



















Uhh.. What mess?

 

Pranks to Play in Space
Contact NASA by saying, "Whitney Houston, we have a problem!"

Spike the Tang with Folgers's Crystals.

Paste a "Hyundai" logo on the main control panel.

Tape photo of Keith Richards to window and then tell crew, "There's a hideous Martian outside the ship!"

Dump sewage tank over least favored country.

Fill someone's oxygen tank with Heinz' Home-style Beef Gravy.

Ring doorbell on Mir Space station; quickly float away.

Hide the experimental bee hive in someone's space suit.

Sneak action figure from "Alien" movies aboard, then pretend it pops out of your stomach during dinner.

Egg the moon.

 

A Blondes Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.


July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because
soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so
hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour
per
pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

 

A salesman knocks on the door of a resident's house hoping to sell them the latest technology for a 'pickup' truck.

A little girl answers the door.

"Hello" begins the speel of the salesman. "Is your father home, and can I speak to him?"

"No" she replies. "He's in jail for life"

"What?" salesman's response, "what for?" "Got in a barfight with his friends and killed a couple" was the reply.

"God!" replies salesman, "Well can I speak to you mother?" "No," response again.

"Why not?" salesman. "She's in jail also. Ran a 'bawdy house' and got 5 years."

"Sheesh," salesman scratches his head, "Well, do you have an older sister?" "Yep" replies girl.

"Weeel" says salesman, "can I talk to HER" "Nope" replies girl.

"Wait," says salesman, "don't tell me, let me guess, she's in jail right?"

"Yep," replies girl. "Got 18 months for prostitution at my ma's 'bawdy house'."

The salesman starts to think again and says: "Well, do you have an older brother" "Yep", replies girl.

"PLEASE," he asks, "Can I talk to him?"

"Nope" response. "Arrrggghhhh, don't tell me, he's in jail right?" salesman.

"YEP, good guess mister, got 7 years, armed robbery of local bank."

"Well," says salesman in desperation, "Do you have ANY other relation NOT in jail?" "YEP, got another brother" girl's reply.

At long last someone normal in the family who's not in jail, thinks the salesman. "Can I please talk to him, if he's home".

"NOPE" replies girl. "Why not now?" the exasperated salesman replies.

"He's in a bottle on a shelf at the University. Got 2 heads" is the reply.


GUNSHOT! Little girl closes door.

 

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

The interrupting sheep.

The inter...

BAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 

Texas Phrases
Saying: The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.

Translation: Not overly-intelligent.

Saying: Tighter than bark on a tree.

Translation: Not very generous.

Saying: Big hat, no cattle.

Translation: All talk and no action.

Saying: We've howdied but we ain't shook yet.

Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

Saying: He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow.

Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

Saying: As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.

Translation: (self-explanatory).

Saying: S/He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.

Translation: Talks a lot.

Saying: It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs.

Translation: We really could use a little rain around here

Saying: Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly.

Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.

Saying: This ain't my first rodeo.

Translation: I've been around awhile.

Saying: He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.

Translation: Not the most handsome of men.

Saying: They ate supper before they said grace.

Translation: Living in sin.

Saying: As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.

Translation: Rather prone to boasting.

Saying: You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.

Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

 

I think this is a very popular one...




If men made the rules:


1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or
angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

 

of course...there are exeptions...




10 things men know:

10 things men know about women:

-------------------------------

1:

2:

3:

4:

5:

6:

7:

8:

9:

10: They have boobs.

 

Revenge is sweet:


After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.

The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love.

He asked his wife to move out, with the understanding that he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

The first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

The second day she had the movers come and collect her things.

The third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining room table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room, and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned the kitchen and left.

The husband came back with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely.

Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.

They tried everything; they cleaned, mopped, and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in; the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally,they couldn't take it any more, and decided to move.

The Moving Company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...

...including the curtain rods.

 

How to be annoying ( a guide )



Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Set alarms for random times.

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored
Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either.

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog "Dog."

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!"

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

 

Five-Year Solitary

Three tourists were traveling in South America: an Irishman, a Frenchman and a blond American. They all found themselves in a bar in a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived and arrested them.

At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother of the dictator. The three of them were promptly sentenced to five years in solitary confinement.

Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor. You may choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do you wish for?"

The Irishman asked for a five years supply of fine Irish whiskey. The Frenchman asked for a five year supply of fine French wine. The blond American requests a five year supply of cigarettes. The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement of the prison.

Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk himself, and walked out into freedom. The blond American was released last. He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does anyone have a %&$*&@# match?"

 

Thanks Ron

 

How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids
Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego's (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Ingenuity Test:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Automobile Test:
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!

Physical Test: (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

Physical Test: (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

 

People without children can't appreciate this at all.

 

probably not; but i know i wont be having kids