joke of the day

you've got a point there Ed

 

Those are hilarious, Rita!!! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/hells/more/36_11_6.gif

 

I got a big laugh from that one too

 

Only in America
Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right up front.

Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and then top it all off with a DIET coke because they're concerned about their weight

Do banks leave the doors open and then chain the pens to the counter.

Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place.

Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Do we use the word "Politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" (from Latin) means "many", and "tics", meaning blood-sucking pests.

Do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

A Blonde's Year in Review....

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh"... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said 2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition -learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their
arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

 

Microsoft Tech-Support

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer.

 

Murphy's Laws for Parents
The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

Leak proof thermoses--will.

The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

 

Why? Why? Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, why don't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? (For the Ladies!

 

Building Bill's House
Now if I were Bill Gates' contractor we'd have this discussion...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "Sigh. Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it... nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

 

Blonde LOGIC


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...??"


CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.


Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

 

What Time Is It?
On some air bases the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.

If you're a United Airlines Flight, it's 3 o'clock.

If you're an Air Force flight, it's 1500.

If you're a Navy flight, it's 6 bells.

If you're an Army flight, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If you're a Marine Corps flight, it's Thursday afternoon."

 

Attention: IRS
Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

 

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR


If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.

My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood!

Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry

 

No Pun Intended...
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was superb.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

 

Cindy,love the car-body one

http://img284.imageshack.us/img284/9062/hahaha20lady3wr.gif

 

soooo true.. lol... keep them coming you guys, love to check the pages each day.

TAS in the Auto Panel Beaters/Repair Shop getting his 'car parts' restored.

 

How NOT to Pass Your Driver's Test
Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.

When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say, "Oops."

Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

Fill your car with beer bottles.

The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

Swear at everybody on the road.

When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

Beep your horn at everything.

Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

 

Here's Your Own Hooter's Calendar










YOU ARE THE FIRST ON YOUR BLOCK
TO RECEIVE A 2006 HOOTER'S CALENDAR








http://bestsmileys.com/signs4/3.gif







http://img249.imageshack.us/img249/4649/image0018ow.jpg

http://bestsmileys.com/signs11/11.gif​

 

What is Life Without Email
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the Microsoft manager replies, "Well then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.

Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day,he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What! You don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if only you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

 

You Might Be a Farmer If...
Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.

You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.

You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

 

You Know You Work for the Government If...
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.

Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.

You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.

Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.

Although you have a telephone, pager, E-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and coworkers sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.

You know, and everyone that works with you knows, your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you."

Training is something spoken about but never seen.

Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

 

You Might Be A Wrestling Addict!

Don't feel bad! You're not alone! I, myself, am a wrestling addict! Maybe you suspect you or someone you love may also be a wrestling addict! Quick, before it's too late, check the symptons!SoRrY!

You know you might be addicted to wrestling...

When you going to the bathroom is referred to as "laying the smack down!"

When you do the Ric Flair strut after programming the VCR!

When you say you have "put the moves" on your girlfriend, you really mean you put the moves on her!

When your girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn't "hang with the big boys" and she will never get past mid-card status!

When you own a wrestling shirt for everyday of the week!

When you wear an Austin 3:16 shirt to church, and are proud of it!

When you actually search through the bible for the book of Austin!

If you have actually searched a map for a town called "Parts Unknown!"

If on your job application, you state your residence as "Parts Unknown!"

When you're getting beat up in a bar fight, you honestly believe that with a little crowd support you could turn things around!

When you won't enter a room without your own theme music!

When you hit your co-worker with a chair while your manager distracts him!

When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle!

When you graduate, you yell "Oooooh Yeah!" when "Pomp and Circumstance" plays!

When you put your girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you lose!

When you try to put your kids to bed with a sleeper hold!

When you win an award and you immediately spray paint "nWo" on it!

When you walk into a party and tell them to "cut the music!"

When you dye your moustache blond while leaving your beard black!

When after an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then you raise both your's and your friend's arms in the air. As he looks to the side, you clothesline him!

When you are a Honky Tonk Man impersonator, instead of an Elvis impersonator!

When you think it's really cool to wear a wrestling shirt out in public!

When you lose your job, you change your look and name before starting a new one!

When your king sized bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it!

When you walk into church, you slap people's hands in the pews while walking down the aisle!

When you get into an argument with a coworker, and challenge him to a "Loser Must Retire" match!

When you talk about yourself in the third person!

When you refer to everyone as "brother!"

When you have children named "Hollywood", "Stone Cold" or "The Rock!"

When you took bagpipe lessons just so you could play Roddy Piper's theme song!

When you buy a VCR so you won't miss wrestling while you are at work!

When your parents ground you, and you refer to them as "heels!"

When you believe that "everything" about Chyna is real and natural!

When you have a chain link fence around your yard and you refer to it as "entering the steel cage!"

When you are hanging Christmas lights, you get the uncontrollable urge to fly off the ladder and perform a swanton bomb on your wife who is holding the ladder for you!

When you get into fights with people who say wrestling is fake!

 

Signs You've Bought a Cheap Car
Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.

The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."

The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.

Shadow Traffic warns other drivers what highway you're taking.

The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries not included."

You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.

You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down.