joke of the day

Thanks BJ--I think it's true too

 

A Women's Little Instruction Book
Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

The woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".

Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone elses
these are not my own personal opinions--no offense meant

 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of Rolex watches behind him. He asked, "What are

all those watches?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-watches. Everyone on earth has a

Lie-watch. Every time you lie, the hands on your watch will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose watch is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she

never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose watch is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's Rolex. The hands have moved

twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's Rolex?" asked the man.

"Bush's Rolex is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

 

THE WAY KIDS SEE THINGS

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
Duringher struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know it always gives you a headache the next morning.."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."


SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write
and they wont let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

A laugh is a smile that bursts.

 

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Vincent, I'm feeling pretty bad because it looks like I wont be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm getting too old to dig up the garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad. Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried THE BODIES. Love Vinnie.

At 4am next morning, the police arrived and dug up the entire area, without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I can do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie

 

Four Animals
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would those be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

 

Thirteen...


A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole.

He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye.

As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."

 

The Door Stopper
Two salesmen were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open. Seeing the two salesmen at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude salesmen was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the salesmen said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

 

The Bathtub
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out.

Do you want a room with or without a view?"

 

I think instead of "Tell them it's a feature" it should be

"Tell them Bill Gates made it."

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

 

A small UpNorth Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.


Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie , a large New Englander part-time intern who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most Yanks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?



Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:



1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.



2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.



3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised in Australia." Once again the administrator agreed.



4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00.

 

I catagorically deny..deny..deny!!

Outraged in Truth or Consequences, Grrrrr ed

Ps....if I can only get to pass Go I'll have the rest of the $500 I need! Pucker up sweetie!!

 

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama Bin Laden is
still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in
English, in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the
game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a very
strange, perhaps coded, message: "370HSSV 0773H".



Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice; Condi and her
aides had no clues either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NASA. With
no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for
help.



MI-6 cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the
message upside down

 

Primrose called up Big Ed and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Bug Ed asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

Primrose said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Big Ed decided to go over and help with the puzzle. Primrose let him in and showed him where the puzzle spread all over the table.


He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to Primrose and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He shook his head and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then...", he sighed, ... "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

 

ROFLMAO.....Dang Primiscuous,

Good thing I've been drinking my coffee thru a straw so I didn't spill any. Of course coffee thru the nose gets one soaked anyways. You should be recieving the new outfit I got you any day now.

Guffawing in Groton, Giddy ed

 

Ya gotta luv seniors


We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special"
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds
good," my wife said.
"But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS

 

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies!! (Yumm Yumm)
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure
the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup..just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off the floor..

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry
it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the
Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas!

 

Shay Rimprose,

I'll drink to that!!

Somewhere in Idono, Sloshed ed

 

i told u not to make/eat those cookies before posting Primrose.

 

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...

Little Johnny walked up to the front of he class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well,the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"I don't know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif

 

Does Your Dog Own You?
See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

* You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).

* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

* You let the neighbor's dog sleep over.

* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

 

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll
see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was
that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the
garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a
gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is nicer," she replies.

 

I'm Flying to New York
A beautiful young blonde boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seat in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies "I'm young, blonde and beautiful and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again the blonde replies "I'm young, blonde and beautiful and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the economy section.

The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he said to the woman. He replies "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."