joke of the day

IT WAS SORTA GROSS, THAT'S FOR SURE! THANKS, BIG ED, FOR SAYING SOMETHNG!

 

Re: Mothers Valuable Lessons Taught

My Mommy was pretty much self taught in the English Language so when she hollered
"throw me downstairs the broom" us 5 kids never took her command literally!

 

Uh Rita,

Waddaya mean, if?? Does that mean that us He-Men somehow got control back without realising it?

Euphoria setting in, big ed

 

Talk About Stress

This is a true challenge of Stress!!!!!

 

A Helping Hand

Now this is what I call team work

 

Random Facts To Impress Your Friends (Part 1II)
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in- law with All the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the Rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase Inspired by this practice.

5. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

6. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

7. Q What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

 

one more fact to add:

In George Washington's time, artist charged by the number of limbs to be painted for a portrait. Thus for the saying: It'll cost you an arm and a leg.

 

Evening all,

had to post this one, its from a colleague at GTG (thanks Phil)

 

Truth In Politics
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

 

A SONS LETTER TO DAD

>A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the
>bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
>envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was
>
>addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the
>envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
>
>Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
>you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
>with mom and you. Joan is so nice-even with all her piercings and
>tattoos.
>But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said
>that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is
>so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and
>has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have
>many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
>
>Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and
>we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the
>cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that
>science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she
>sure deserves it!!
>
>Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take
>care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to
>know
>your grandchildren.
>
>Your son, John
>P.S.
>Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's
>house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
>than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!

 

~I read this...and just thought it was hilarious!!~



A tangential segue

I'm always up to a good insect-killing anecdote, and the continuing ladybird explosion for the past two summers and my disdain for killing spiders leading to a large brood in our apartment means that I've got a lot of them. A couple of weeks ago I checked my voice mail at work and was greeted by a message from my wife. "100 seconds" said the computer voice, sounding out every syllable.
Here's the message she left me:


Hi. I've just had the most horrible half hour of my life.
I was at home and a wasp or something got in the house.
It was, like, flying-

http://img96.imageshack.us/img96/5708/nov2618gh.jpg

and then it was starting to fly all over the place
and knocking into things
and getting a little angry
and then it went by the window
and I got the hairspray out
and sprayed it with a little bit and it fell into a cobweb
so it was struggling in that for a while
and teeny little spider came out
trying to kill it I think
and then it went back
and it was still struggling in there for a while
and then it got out of the spider web and
was just sitting on the ledge
so I got the hairspray out again
and was, like, going at it again
for a really long time

http://img50.imageshack.us/img50/8711/nov2632iq.jpg

and it kept walking around
and trying to hide behind things
and I kept spraying it and spraying it
to the edge
and then it dropped down onto the other window ledge
and then I was spraying it again
and then it dropped down
on to the floor
and I was going to get a shoe
but I was afraid it was still going to get me...
so I sucked it up in the vacuum cleaner.

I apologize to all bugs everywhere.

http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/7446/nov2645ym.jpg ​

 

Three tomatoes are walking down the street—a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry and goes over to the baby tomato, smashes him on the head and says, "catch up!"




Why did the boy throw butter out the window?

He wanted to see a butterfly.





What does a turkey like to eat on Thanksgiving?

Nothing. He is already stuffed.





What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.






How do you make a strawberry shake?

Take it to a scary movie.





Where is the best place to see a man-eating fish?

In a seafood restaurant.






What do you get when a monster steps on a house?

Mushrooms.





What does a ghost like to eat for lunch?

Spookghetti.





What kind of toes do people like to eat?

Potatoes and tomatoes.






Why did the jelly rolls laugh?

They saw an apple turnover.​

 

How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.


OR

Take the doctor's office approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol..
Why?

Because alcohol kills germs.

So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise )
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...


If you keep your alcohol levels up,

flu germs can't get you!!!!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than
one in the ...!"

 

Big People Words

A class of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade The biggest hurdle they faced was that the
teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit
my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people'
words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a
choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done? "I read a book," he
replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you
read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, "Winnie the $HIT."

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

http://www.1solo.com/images/Halloween%20Cat.jpg

 

http://www.jokesandhumor.com/jokes/pictures/stonecat.jpg

 

http://4-my.net/spotlight/cat-cage.jpg

 

Baby polar bear ask it's mother "Mom am I a polar bear?", the mom replies "Yes dear you're a polar bear". The next day the baby polar bear ask it's mother "Mom are you sure that I am a polar bear?", the mom replies "Dear I'm a polar bear, your father is a polar bear, your grandpa and grandma are polar bears an your aunts an uncles are polar bears, so I am petty sure that you also are a polar bear". The next day the baby polar bears ask it's mom "Mom are you absolutely certain that I am a polar bear?". Now the mom is torqued "Damn what is it with this am I a polar bear routine?". The baby replies "Mom I am freezing my butt off".

Thanks
Wildman

 

A couple of hillbilly hunters are out in the woods
when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to
be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other hillbilly starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone.
He frantically calls 911 and blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The hillbilly comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

Have A Fun & Safe Day
Be Careful Who You're Hunting With

 

CAN HE FLY

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment ...killing him instantly. Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex..... he could fly

 

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon"

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release statement; cars made by Microsoft would have the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, be twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size @$$.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in, until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them.

Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript


<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"

<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'."

<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

<Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

<Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...."

<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"

<Data, studying displays> "Apparently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."

<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.

<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"

<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Picard> "Identify."

<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."

<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."

<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

<Riker> "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

<Riker and Picard, together - horrified> "Lawyers!!"

<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

<Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived."

<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal."

<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

<Picard> "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"

 

mate sent me a pps file, here's the snapshots.

>

>


continues next post.

 

what the?

LOL

TAS