joke of the day

A Short History of Medicine



I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

 

i found this at another forum, its not rele a joke but its funny as hell:

> How To Clean Your Toilet
>
> 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to
> the water in the bowl.
>
> 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
> bathroom.
>
> 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
> lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

> 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
> noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
>
> 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
> and rinse".
>
> 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
> are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
>
> 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
> lids.
>
> 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
> and run outside where he will dry himself off.
>
> 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
> Sincerely,
> The Dog

 

Things I learned from the Movies
Things You Learn About Computers From the Movies

1.. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

3. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

4. You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

5. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. ? And it never seems to get lost or deleted

6. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

7. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

10. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

11. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

12. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

13. . Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

14. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

15.. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

 

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!

 

I have to show you my new t-shirt LOL

 

This was my wedding day LOL

 

This is in any of your homes??

 

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http://barelybad.com/images/myhat2a.jpg

 

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

 

ROFL!

 

THIS ONE CRACKS ME UP! I LOVE THOSE THINGS!

 

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU SAID THIS GUYS!?!

 

Mission Impossible

http://humorsrandalegrace.100plus.cz/images/jpg/obrazy/mysion_in_posibl.jpg

 

BEST FRIENDS?

 

OH THAT IS SO COOL! BIGC! JUST LIKE THE REALLY GOOD THIEVES DO IT THROUGH THE ROOF TOO! LOL! THAT'S CUTE!

 

WONDER IF HE WILL ORGANIZE ALL THE OTHER MICE NOW!! IT COULD HAPPEN! LOL!

 

FAMOUS LAST WORDS??

 

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I born?"

"Well honey ..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations

 

LOL! THAT'S GOOD, THEN THEY WILL WONDER WHY HE CAN'T GET INTO COLLEGE SOMEDAY.............LOL!

 

SOME THINGS ARE SACRED!

 

(Bumper Stickers)

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

So many stupid people... so few comets.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I Brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

 

I LOVE YOUR HISTORY OF MEDICINE, RITA! LOL! SO TRUE!

 

OH GOOD, BIG C, I AM KEEPIN THAT LIST...COVER ME WHILE I CHANGE LANES. IN CA HOW TRUE! LOL!

 

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