joke of the day

about as forgetful as I am I could see myself doing that

 

lol

 

Quotes from "Famous" Mothers
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER:
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple!"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"

BATMAN'S MOTHER:
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance will be!"

GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER:
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER:
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!"

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER:
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

 

Prison vs. Housework
In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

 

TUESDAY FUNNIES


* * * * Your Perspective * * * *


Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that thing called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided that her responsibility was to tell him the truth... "It's called intimacy, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is NOT called intimacy! It's called Bunk Beds!"



* * * * Signs You're the Reincarnation of Someone Famous... * * * *


1. During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.

2. When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.

3. Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.

4. While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.

5. Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.

6. You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.

7. As a kid, while talking through paper cups and string, you say ?There?s gotto be a better way?



* * * * Committees * * * *


I have to admit it, Johnson had offered a brilliant proposal to resolve our troublesome problem. He suggested we form three committees, one to study the problem directly, one to study how other companies had resolved similar problems, and a third to oversee the first two and coordinate their efforts into a workable solution.

The plan worked flawlessly and we assigned the janitor to change the lightbulb



* * * * Fun with Blondes * * * *

 

mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I
ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where
the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,
look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any
damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like
new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big
bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

Still living at home and expecting to inherit a fortune when his sickly,
widower father died, Jerry decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman
whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary
man," he said walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father
will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Jerry, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

 

Going to the Doctor
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

 

Man walks into a bar. Boy, that must've hurt.
*********************************
Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks "Why the long face?"
*********************************
A blonde, redhead, and brunette all jump off a building. Who will land first?

The redhead and brunette, the blonde has to ask directions.

 

The Honest Job Application
This reportedly is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

 

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed as slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate


**************

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command:

C:/I THOUGHT.YOU.LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

 

A lady walks into a bar and says,
"Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."

So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?"

She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."

The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

 

Good one Bigc
http://img289.echo.cx/img289/999/hahaha20lady7qy.gif

 

Office Antics
Two guys are in an office, the first turns to the second and says ?I?ve got to get out of here, this place is doing my head in I?m going to get the day off?.

The second turns to him and says ?Well how are going to do that??

?Watch? and with that he climbs a ladder. A Little while later their boss is walking through the office and spots the ladder and one of his employees at the top.

He ask him why his there and the employee tells him he?s a light-bulb, the boss tells him to get back to work and the employee says ?I can?t, I?m a light-bulb? so the boss tells him to go home and get some rest and maybe go see the doctor.

So as the employee leaves, his colleague joins him and the boss asks him where he is going and he turns round and says ?Well I cant work in the dark, can I??



***** Never Argue With Children *****


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

Mattel Inc. today announces the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls, specifically for the Northern California Market:

Pleasanton Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at the Stoneridge Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a cookie cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken.

San Ramon Barbie:
This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit available.

Richmond Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9-mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows, and Meth Lab Ken.

Pinole Barbie:
This Barbie is the wanna-be San Ramon Barbie, only she usually carries a knife with which to stab her fellow Barbies in the back. She's available with cell phone, SUV and a drink in her hand.

El Sobrante Barbie:
This Barbie is truly one of a kind. Comes with Biker Ken & his Harley and a replica of the Capri Club. She only hangs out with Ken because he has a bike and when he's not around she's looking for another man - who has a bike. Watch out! She usually doesn't care if he has a wife or girlfriend. Otherwise known as Scooter Tramp Barbie.

Folsom Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped-up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.

Sacramento Barbie:
This Barbie comes with an exclusive set of luggage since she is always traveling to the Bay area or to Reno/Tahoe; very rarely stays at home. She comes with two basketball jerseys since she's an avid Kings/Monarchs fan. River Cats Ken available separately. State Worker version has a look of perpetual concern on her face over the disposition of her politically driven employment. Also comes with seasonal allergy kit.

Stockton Barbie:
This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's butt when she's drunk. A pickup is available with stick-on Confederate flag bumper stickers.
Tahoe Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear a leopard print ski outfit without looking passé, even if you are actually skiing.

Berkeley Barbie:
This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. The other version has frizzy hair, a dingy white tank top, low cut jeans and scratch-n-sniff armpits.

Bakersfield Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no pedicure and without breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted, hollow gold-chain-wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and rusty old Ford pick up.

They are working on developing an "Oakland Barbie", but she keeps getting shot... Oakland Barbie will come with a Glock 9 and body armour. When do I get my body armour)

 

Pregnancy Question

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.

 

That sounds like the men in Kansas LOL My Friends mow's the lawn Pregnant and chops wood Really they out work the men in the mid west .( not me I'm from cali where we pay people to do the work for us. LOL)

 

I lived in Ojai california for fourty eight years before coming to oklahoma. Had a lot of fun out there in Ventura and Santa Barbara and Santa Monica. It was a real good time. But there is to many people there now for me.

 

Drunk Test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

 

I will be in Napa this summer for 2 mon. I don't know if I could post as much. I will try to do my best

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

 

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing Pethouse instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and SED are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

 

That was very funny