joke of the day

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watch dogs!!"

 

> >Impossible task !!!!!!!!!!!!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
> > >Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord
> > >said,
> > >"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
>you
> > >one wish."
> > > The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
> > want.
> > >
> > > " The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
> > > Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.
> > > The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
> > > The concrete and steel it would take!
> > > It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
> > > I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
> > >things.
> > > Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
> > glorify
> > >me."
> > >
> > > The man thought about it for a long time
> > >
> > > Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.
> > > I want to know how she feels inside,
> > > What she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
> > >Why she cries,
> > > What she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a
> > woman
> > >truly happy."
> > >
> > >The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

Have You Seen The Signs in The Office?
1. In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

2. In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

3. In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

4. In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
. . .FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

5. In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

6. Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

7. Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

8. Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

9. Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

10. Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

11. On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling

 

Being faithful

Can a girl do more than this for her man! and laughter is part of the
human survival kit.

An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his
wife,

"Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a
wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's
something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been
unfaithful to me?"
She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."

"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.

Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we
were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?

"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.

"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the
bank extended our loan?"

"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so
bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time? "

"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died
of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"

"Yes, of course," said Sidney.
"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he
performed the operation at no cost?"

"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me!, I do
understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you.
So, what was the third time?"

Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for
president of your golf club and you needed 32 more votes?"

 

Funny Mergers 0f 2005
1. XEROX and WURLITZER
(They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS, and KEEBLER
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R. GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS
(The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR
(MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE
(Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO, and HOME OIL
(Honey, I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE, and METAL MINING
(Mine All Mine)

9. 3M, JC PENNEY, and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY
(3 Penney Opera)

10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS
(Poupon Pants)

11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN
(The new company will be called Knott Now)

12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO, and DAKOTA MINING
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

13. NETSCAPE and YAHOO (Net n' Yahoo)

 

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day

while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through

so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in

8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her

to know what I go through, so please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The

next
morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the

kids,

Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed

their lunches,

Drove them to school, came home and picked up
the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery

shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the

beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the

kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an

argument with
them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to

do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he

did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables

for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for

supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the

dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M.

he was exhausted
and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went

to bed where he was
expected to make love, which he managed to get through

without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the

bed and said,
Lord,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy

my wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us

trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I

feel you have learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to

the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got

pregnant last night."

 

Words That Women Use


FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and to need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to
watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end
in "Fine"

GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you're welcome.

 

Gas Prices
So, you think a gallon of gasoline is expensive...??

* Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

* Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

* Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon


* Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon


* Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 = $12.72 per gallon


* STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon


* Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon


* Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon


* Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 = $25.42 per gallon


* Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 = $84.48 per gallon


And this is the REAL KICKER...


* Evian water 9oz for $1.49 = $ 21.19 per gallon
$21.19 FOR WATER!!


So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope, Whiteout or water!!!

 

AN ALTERNATIVE RETIREMENT HOME
There should be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise
Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have
checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and
senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have
breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room,
free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for
your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask
for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship
they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want
to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in
a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side
at no charge.

 

True Doctor Stories
> > >
> > > A man comes into the ER and yells,
> > > "My wife's going to
> > > have her baby in the
> > > cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
> > > rushed out to the cab,
> > > lifted the lady's --Dress,
> > > and began to take off her
> > > underwear. Suddenly I
> > > noticed that there were
> > > several cabs, and I was
> > > in the wrong one.
> > >
> > > --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
> > >
> > > At the beginning of my shift
> > > I placed a stethoscope on
> > > an elderly and
> > > slightly deaf female patient's
> > > anterior chest wall.
> > > Big breaths," I
> > > instructed. Yes, they used to be,"
> > > remorsefully
> > > replied the patient.
> > >
> > > --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
> > >
> > >
> > > One day I had to be the bearer
> > > of bad news when I told
> > > a wife that her
> > > husband had died of a massive
> > > myocardial infarct. Not
> > > more than five minutes
> > > later, I heard her reporting
> > > to the rest of the family
> > > that he had died of a
> > > "massive internal fart."
> > >
> > > --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > I was performing a complete physical,
> > > including the
> > > visual acuity test. I
> > > placed the patient twenty
> > > feet from the chart and
> > > began, "Cover your right
> > > eye with your hand." He read
> > > the 20/20 line perfectly.
> > > Now your left."
> > > Again, a flawless read. Now both,"
> > > I requested. There
> > > was silence. He
> > > couldn't even read the
> > > large E on the top line. I
> > > turned and discovered that
> > > he had done exactly what
> > > I had asked; he was standing
> > > there with both his
> > > eyes covered. I was laughing
> > > too hard to finish the exam.
> > >
> > > --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
> > >
> > > During a patient's two week
> > > follow-up appointment with
> > > his cardiologist, he
> > > informed me, his doctor,
> > > that he was having trouble
> > > with one of his
> > > medications. Which one?"
> > > I asked. The patch. The nurse
> > > told me to put on a
> > > new one every six hours and
> > > now I'm running out of
> > > places to put it!" I had
> > > him quickly undress and
> > > discovered what I hoped I
> > > wouldn't see. Yes, the man
> > > had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
> > > instructions include removal of
> > > the old patch before applying a new one.
> > >
> > > --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
> > >
> > >
> > > While acquainting myself with
> > > a new elderly patient, I
> > > asked, "How long have
> > > you been bed-ridden?"
> > > After a look of complete
> > > confusion she answered ....
> > > Why, not for about twenty years
> > > -- when my husband was alive."
> > >
> > > --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
> > >
> > >
> > > I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> > > So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
> > > It's very good, except for the Kentucky
> > > Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
> > > the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> > > jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
> > > labeled "KY Jelly."
> > >
> > > --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
> > >
> > > And Finally . . . . .
> > >
> > > A new, young MD doing his
> > > residency in OB was quite
> > > embarrassed performing
> > > female pelvic exams. To cover
> > > his embarrassment he had
> > > unconsciously formed
> > > a habit of whistling softly.
> > >
> > > The middle aged lady upon whom
> > > he was performing this
> > > exam suddenly burst
> > > out laughing and further
> > > embarrassed him. He looked up
> > > from his work and
> > > sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
> > > Was I tickling you?"
> > >
> > > She replied, "No doctor,
> > > but the song you were
> > > whistling was 'I wish I was
> > > an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
> > >
> > > --won't admit his name
> > >
> > >
> > > These are too funny to be made up!!
> > > They're a hoot...pass em along!!

 

~bump~

Knock Knock!


Who's there?

Tank!

Tank who?

You're welcome!


​

 

Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.


Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.


She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/4th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........including the curtain rods.

 

A Most Interesting Proposal
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will).

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how ?unusual?, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . ."Clean my house."

 

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA



The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

 

You've Never Heard a Flight Announcement Like This
Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA (public announcement)from their Flight Attendants. In his own words....

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

(BEFORE TAKEOFF)

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ...... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.

Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO.

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is ... the movie tonight is "Gone With the Wind."

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

(AFTER LANDING)

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

 

http://img93.echo.cx/img93/5084/4635vg.gif

Oh my!lol

 

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif


On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif


Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."



​

 

http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."


http://bestsmileys.com/fun/1.gif


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask yo! u a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or
were we shot down?"


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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the
horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."


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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of US Airways."


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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"​

 

After several weeks of feeling lousy and in pain, John decided that he should finally see a doctor. He asked his wife, Mary, to join him. So after waiting for an hour, they entered the room of the specialist recommended by their friends.

The doctor examined John for more than a half hour, took blood test, x-rays and poked and prodded every available spot on his body.

After waiting an hour, the doctor asked Mary to come in to his office to speak privately.

What Is It?? Mary asked

?Well, there is good news and bad news,? said the doctor. ?Your husband has a very rare disease, that if he gets very stressed is most likely to become fatal.?

?Well, What?s the good news?? asked Mary.

?Practice has shown that if you, as his wife, make sure that his life is stress free, he can go on living a very healthy, normal life. What this means on a practical level is that you have to pamper him and do what he wants. If he gets upset, agree with him. Cook him his favorite foods regularly. Don?t argue with him, even when you know you are right. Let him always think he is right and always be respectful of him. Be available regularly in the romantic department and fulfill all his wishes.?

Stunned, Mary leaves and heads to the reception room, where John was impatiently waiting.

?So.? John asked, ?What did the doctor tell you??

. . .

"You?re gonna die"

 

So How Was YOUR Game?
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

 

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Did You Remember?
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

Wife: "Where are you going dear?"
Husband: "To the kitchen"
Wife: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
Husband: "Sure."
Wife: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

Husband: "No, I can remember that!"
Wife: "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
Husband: "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
Wife: "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Husband: "I don't need to write it down. I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!"

He then grumbles all the way to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

 

Mother's Day Funnies
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"


* * * * Choosing Your Husband * * * *

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.


* * * * The Younger Generations* * * *

Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.


* * * * What is an Antique? * * * *

An antique is something your grandmother bought, your mother threw out and you are now buying back


* * * Things Mom Would Never Say * * *

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"