joke of the day

Subject: *Top Ten Best Golf Caddie Remarks*

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Thought you golfers might enjoy these

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise
control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had
it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?!"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"





"Only when he's been drinking."

 

I'm a golfer and I laughed my butt off.

 

Hey BeetleBoss that joke about the speeder was so funny!!I laughed till my sides hurt

 

Hello . . . Is Anyone There?
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thing"

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they,( pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

 

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Interrogation

Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he began to interrogate her.

"How old are you, Mom?" he asked.

"None of your business," replied his mother.

"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"

"That's none of your business either, young man," she said.

The boy thought for a minute, then delivered his final bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"

Shocked and appalled, mom sent him to bed without supper.

The next day, the kid reported his failure to his friend. "I know!" said his buddy. "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know."

Later that day, mom found her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she snapped.

"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," explained the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 43 years old...you weigh 135 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."

 

Which Way?

A tourist on his way to Kansas City came to a fork in the road.

There was no sign, so he yelled to a boy standing beside the road. "Hey, kid, does it matter which road I take to Kansas City?"

"Not to me it don't." replied the boy

 

Yep!!
We're just a bunch of country folks here!!​

 

Here too--and proud of it

 

Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.

 

Oh gosh!!
You guys are killing me!!
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......................................

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher.
"Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "A Jack."
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Some of Life's Little Truths

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pants on fire.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

Freedom of the press: No-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

 

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" The children answered, "No!"

I then asked, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they answered, "No!"

"Well, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered, "No!"

I said, "How do you get into heaven then?"

A five-year old boy shouted out, "You've gotta be dead!"
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Speaking Clearly

Born and raised in Boston aristocracy, the traveler always felt it his duty to correct the language of those around him.

In line at an airline counter in Atlanta, an unintelligible rush of language, dialect and other jargon confronted him. Thoroughly confused, he didn't know where to start the inevitable criticism.

Finally, in exasperation, he observed, "I do wish you Southerners would speak English."

"We do," replied the young woman behind the counter.

"Well, it's not the King's English," he protested.

"Sure it is," the woman responded. "Elvis was a Southerner."

 

You will love being reminded of these old Will Rogers' quips as well. ENJOY!

Will Rogers' wisdom

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:


1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

 

Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

 

A Day in Tech Support
Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."


*************
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"


*************
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."

Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."


*************
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"

Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."


*************
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


*************
Customer: "Now what do I do?"

Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"

Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"

Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."

Customer: "How do you spell that?"


*************
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says . "Nothin', but you left your Injun running".

 

Resumes

Taken from Actual Resumes and Cover Letters
--Fortune Magazine

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

 

What type of bee makes milk?

A Boo-Bee

 

You're all Class CB!!

 

A Serious Condition

I'm writing you to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a serious condition and there's no hope I will ever get over it. It may be hereditary as well.

It's called the "Butfirst Syndrome."

It's like when I decide to do the laundry - I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry -

Butfirst I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. Okay, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack,

Butfirst, I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Now where's the checkbook? Oops! There's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook,

Butfirst I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away,

Butfirst I need to water those plants. Head for door and Ack! Stepped on the dog, Dog needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants.

Butfirst I need to feed the dog.

At the end of day; Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still missing, and the dog ate the remote control. AND, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled, because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious...and I should get help.

Butfirst I think I'll read all my email!

 

MY HARD DRIVE IS FULL, 120G DOWN THE TUBES, NOW I'LL HAVE TO GO ON THE ROAD AND TELL JOKES!!!
Bad idea, I am a lousy joke teller, I start laughing or forget the punchline, usually BOTH!!!

AND SO HAVING FOUND NO SMILIES IN SMILIETOWN, SHE MUST DO HER BEST TO SHOW APPRECIATION FOR THE HARD WORK, DEDICATION AND OUTRIGHT INSANITY OF HER FELLOW WILDERS'ER ERS

GREAT JOB!!! YOU SHOULD GET RAISES, LAMBORGHINIS, PORCHES, BIG TRUCKS WITH BIG TIRES, JIMMY CHOO SHOES FOR THE GALS!! I MAY NOT TELL JOKES VERY WELL, I LOVE TO READ, HEAR AND LAUGH AT THEM,

THANKS FOR ALL THIS FUN!!!!

MARJA