joke of the day

How about "How easily bubblegum sticks to any surface it comes into contact with----especially hair."

 

yeah--I remember always having to get my hair cut when little because of bubblegum Remember swallowing gum all the time too and grandma saying,it would stick your guts together and kill you

 

The agonising pain that occurs when the aforementioned lego block comes between my bare foot and the hard floor!!

 

Virus'es

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack --- once if by LAN, twice if by C: > .

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus, " but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputerw butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't!" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

 

Got an email with the Amish Virus in it the other day...
They've got no technology so it's based on the honesty system.....
"Please delete all data from your HD and forward this email to everyone in your address book"

 

I didn't fall for it

Jimbob

 

A drunk is sitting at a bar, and says, "Bartender! Another drink."



The bartender shakes his head and says, "No you've had enough."

"Well," the drunk says. "How about if I show you something really cool? Then will you give me a drink?"

"Sure," the bartender says. "But it's gotta be pretty cool."

The drunk takes a tiny piano and a frog out of his pockets and sets them on the bar. The frog starts banging away, playing a beautiful song.
The bartender gives him a drink. The drunk downs it, and orders another.

"No way," the bartender says. "Now you've really had enough."

"If you give me a drink, I'll show you something even cooler," says the drunk.
The bartender agrees.
The drunk pulls out a rat, and sets it next to the piano. The frog starts banging away again, and the rat starts singing to the music.
The bartender is amazed, and gives him another drink.

A man who had been watching all this comes up to the drunk and says, "You've got a million dollar act there. I'll give you $500,000 for them right now."

"Not for sale," the drunk croaks.

"Ok, $500,000 just for the frog."

"Not for sale."

"Ok, $500,000 just for the rat."

The drunk agrees, and the man pays him and leaves.

The bartender says to the drunk, "What did you do that for? You broke up a million dollar act!" "Not really," the drunk says. "You see, the frog's a ventriloquist."

 

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.
She saw that it was so beautiful.

Saint Peter came by, and the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today.
I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am...

How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

 

One particular Christmas, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for
his annual trip. Alas, there were problems everywhere. Four of his
elves got sick, and the trainee elves just weren't producing the
toys as
fast as the regular ones. Poor Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure
of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Clause announced that her mom
was
coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the
reindeer, he
found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped
the
fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress. Furthermore, when he began to load the sleigh, one of
the
boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the
toys
everywhere. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of
apple
ciderand a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered
that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to
drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it
broke
into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to
get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the
broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the
door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it
a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to 'stick it' ?"

...... And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of
the Christmas tree.
__________________

 

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500.""That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

Bumper Sticker
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

A cat goes to Heaven



A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.

 

These jokes are so funny!! Thanks for posting them.
(Love the sig. Hayc)

 

An ode to old age
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

 

What does TDS stand for?
Tee-dee-ass
WHAT!?
It's Trojan-Defense-Specialist! Understand?

 

(BeetleBoss)

HA HA HA HA
I know I'm not going to like this whole "Getting Old" thing!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.

His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment
and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied,
"Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went!"

 

A Fireman's
Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
the fire siren echoed blaring its sound.
The firefighters came running from far and from near,
and raced to the trucks quickly donning their gear.

And I in my bunkers my boots and my hat,
jumped to the engine to see where the fire's at.
Down at the corner of Fifth and of Oak,
the dispatcher informed us of a house filled with smoke.

Smoke poured from the sides, from up and from down,
yet up on the roof there was none to be found.
So up to the rooftop we raised up a ladder,
and climbed to the top to see what was the matter.

I came to the chimney and what did I see,
but a fellow in red stuck past his knees.
Well we tugged and we pulled until he came out,
then he winked with his eye and said with a shout.

"These darn newfangled chimneys they make them too small,
for a fellow as I, not skinny at all."
With a twitch of his nose he dashed to his sleigh,
and called to his reindeer, "AWAY now, AWAY."

As we rolled up our hoses he flew out of sight, saying
"God bless our firefighters" and to all a good night.

 

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

I AM FINE -- HOW ARE YOU?




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

From Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of "Let it Snow")



Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
but still we must boldly go--
make it so, make it so, make it so.

From William Riker (to the tune of "Deck the Halls")

Here's a vexing Christmas riddle
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
How can I impress Deanna
(fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When I'm number two banana?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

From Wesley Crusher (to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

I'm at Starfleet Academy and I'd just like to say
I miss the opportunity to weekly save the day--
To make things worse I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy, teenaged boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favorite toy.

From Data

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh--

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VERY FUNNY!! Ritaann!!!
Lots to look forward to, I guess!

 

DINNER CONVERSATION
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - - silence -

HUSBAND: Oh, s#*@


http://img69.exs.cx/img69/4374/dogsled24iy.gif

 

way out in the backwoods the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor."Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. . . It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

 

I GOT ANOTHER JOKE!!!!

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors
down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by
a little old lady. She offers him a handful of
peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After
approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the
ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do
not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she
replies that it is not possible because of their old
teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you
buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old
lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.............

 

OK, its not really a joke, but I think women will enjoy it.........

GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-