joke of the day

why did the dog go to church?

the door was open.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the squirrel it could be done.

 

Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

 

Airsick...
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"



Ex-Husband

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

 

I was having trouble with my computer,
so I called the computer guy over to my desk.
He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran over my face.
"An ID Ten T Error, what's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave me a grin.
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No", I replied.

"Write it down", he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

ID10T

 

IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an "intellectually challenged" co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Idiot Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

 

People are like potatos

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others
what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dict Tators"

Some people never seem motivated to participate,
but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Tators".

Some people never do anything to help, but are
gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Tators".

Some people are always looking to cause
problems by asking others to agree with them.
It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Tators".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow
just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Tators".

Some people can put up a front and
pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Tators".

Then there are those who love and do what they say they
will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing
and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Tators".

Have A Great Day
You're all One Of My "Sweet Tators"

 

DONT LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

 

So you think you're computer-illiterate?
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

 

A woman accompanies her sick husband to his doctor. The doctor examines the man for a long time and then he calls the wife in his office alone. He tells her :
'Your husband's condition is very serious. He has a heavy form of depression caused from stress. Unless you dont help him out there is a big chance that he wont make it.
I advise you to do the following : Make him a healthy rich breakfast every morning. Let him sleep as many hours as he wants. Be nice and gentle with him and make sure you cook him nice warm meals every night. Dont talk to him about the house problems try to keep him out of them as much as you can. Help him relax and if possible buy new sexy lingerie and massage him every night. Make love with him as often as you can and try to say yes to anything he might ask. If you do all that for at least 12 months I guarantee your husband will be as good as new.
The wife leaves the doctor's office, picks up her husband and leave to go home. As soon as they walk out the husband asks her : well, what did he tell you ?
And the wife replies : that you will die.

 

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you

Three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed

To mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you

Wish for,your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your

husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will

flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful

Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.

And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay,

because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired

about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.

Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really

smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to

Show that women never listen!!!

 

A penny from God

A mullah wanted to build a new mosque but lacked the financial resources.

As he was a firm believer in the old adage "Trust in God, but tie up your own camel", he tried to find the millions he needed through fund raising and investors. In the end he was still a million dollar short and decided to pray for it.

God heard him and responded by appearing in his dream.
"You have been calling on me, mullah. What can I do for you?"
The surprised mullah thought for a moment and said
"Lord, please tell me, how much is a thousand years for you?"
And God said "It is less then one of your seconds."
"And how much is a million dollars for you, oh lord?"
"That's like a penny to me."
"Then, oh almighty one, can you please give me such a penny?"

"Sure", God said, "just give me a second."

 

Big Buck and Black Spear walk past a Pub............well, it could happen!!!

 

And this is what they are saying now lol

http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/1324/capture926200444057pm926200446.gif

 

More Funny Signs Spotted!
On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee! "Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push"

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

 

Another Blonde Joke...hehehe
A Blonde Gets Home Early From Work And Hears Strange Noises Coming From The Bedroom. She Rushes Upstairs To Find Her Husband Naked On The Bed, Sweating And Panting. "what's Up?" She Says. "i'm Having A Heart Attack," The Man Cries. She Rushes Downstairs To Grab The Phone, But Just As She's Dialing, Her 4-year-old Son Comes Up And Says "mommy! Mommy! Auntie Pam Is Hiding In Your Closet And She's Got No Clothes On!" The Woman Slams The Phone Down And Storms Upstairs Into The Bedroom, Past Her Screaming Husband And Rips Open The Wardrobe Door. Sure Enough, There Is Her Sister, Totally Naked, Cowering On The Closet Floor. "you Rotten Bitch!," Says The Wife, "my Husbands Having A Heart Attack And You're Running Around Naked Scaring The Kids!"

 

http://www.crazy-jokes.com/pictures/roadkillcafe.gif

 

You just came to Texas Tech University as a freshman...and you get the opportunity to make it big time as the football team's "BELL RINGER" during their games... Your whole family, all of your friends, and about 10-15 million ESPN viewers will see you on a Saturday telecast ringing the team's bell....
But to your whole family, all of your friends, and about 10-15 million ESPN viewers, you DO NOT appear to be ringing the team's bell...



http://www.nolitamorgan.com/bellringer.wmv (opens with Windows media player)

 

Letter from a husband

Dear Wife,

I'm sending you this email,

To bring you up to date on the

Events of our family!

I tried to talk to you

while you were on your computer,

but you just kept telling me that,

you would BRB...??

Whatever that means!

So, I decided to send you this email.

John Jr. cut his first tooth today.

He's the one you bounce

on your knee while typing.

Remember how he giggles when..

he hears the "UT OH" sound?

Sorry about him dropping his

peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard.

Is it working ok since I cleaned it up for you?

Can you read the letters I tried to paint

back on your keyboard?

Most of them had been rubbed off!




Susie had her first date Sat. night.

She had a good time and said to Thank

You for letting them use your car.

She put the keys back on the key rack,

underneath the cobwebs,

where she found them!




Do you realize that she wears the

same size clothes as you do?

In case you've forgotten her,

she's the one who has you raise your

feet when she's running the sweeper.


Tim is playing football.



He looks forward to going to school

now that he has a sport to play.

He wanted to know if you would

come to one of his games .. if..

we bought you a laptop to bring along?


Do you remember him?

He's the one who .

empties your port-a potty for you!




Let's see ..

Since the last time I wrote you ...

( 3 months ago )

the refrigerator had to be replaced,

the dog died from old age,

your mother and dad painted the room,

where your computer is,

hope you like the color!

The church has a new pastor,



the president has been impeached,

and oh yes ..

I have a new job!


Well, I think that's about it.

I'll email you again in about 3 months.

You take care of yourself honey.

We all miss you very much,

and will see you the next time

the power goes off!

Love,

Your Husband

 

MY RESUME...
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

What doctors really mean

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Well...l, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is,
the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
First I have to check my malpractice insurance.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW,
and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Everything seems to be normal."
I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look bad.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what the heck it is. Maybe it will go away by itself

 

I always tell the truth usually lol