joke of the day

Joke Of The Day

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

 

Good one, Ritaann!!

 

High Tech Man

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, "What are you doing? The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology -- I have a phone built right into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.

After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The bartender notices that he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper towels shoved up his butt. Shocked, the bartender yells, "What are you doing?!"

The man groans and replies, "I'm waiting for a fax."

 

yeowch!

 

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies".
Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. This time about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs.Jones?" inquired the preacher, "are you not willing to forgive your enemies?
"I don't have any," she replied smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"


Mrs. Jones tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the b*tches!"

 

One word.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

 

A Preacher looks down on his Congregation and says " All I see before me are Sinners, now I want all of you that's been a'he'in and a'she'in to get out of my Church, and I want all you who've been a'she'in and a'she'in to get out of my Church, and then I want all you who've been a'he'in and a'he'in to leave my Church. As the Preacher looks on what is left of his Congregation all that's left is one little boy, the Preacher smiles at the lad and says "Of all my Flock you are the only one without sin, and boy says " No Sir, I was just waiting 'til ya got to a'me'in and a'me'in and I was goin"..........



Cochise,

 

You never seese to amaze me.

 

These are actual bloopers from church bulletins...


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

 

Porch or Ferrari


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

Multiple jokes to make up for for one ord posts above...
Oldies from emails. Prof.s pull these one liners.

when english isn't the first language...
"Open the doors of the windows. Let the "air force" come in."
"Open the doors of the windows. Let the "atmosphere" come in."
"Almost all kids are present today. All right, to make it easier for me... All those who're absent, just raise your hands so I can mark your attendance..."

I swear there was more, but I delete chain mails as soon as possible these days.

A calvin and hobbes moment.
Frame #1 :
Calvin : "I like to verb words."
Hobbes : "What?"
Frame #2 :
"I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember when 'access' was a thing? Now it's something to do. It got verbed."
Frame #3 :
Calvin : "Verbing weirds language."
Hobbes : "Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding."

one liners...
>> "Sometimes I think that the surest sign that intellegent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
>> A voice cackles in Calvin's radio:
"Enemy fighters at two o'clock!"
"Roger. What should I do until then?"
>> I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow
on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?
>> "Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I
believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it."

 

Is this guy serious... were all good members, we know the rules.

Jimbob

 

Refers to deleted posts man.
and he's a mod, not a *guy*.

 

I haven't seen anything vulgar here.. Besides.. A joke is a joke.. It's ment to be funny.. You could as well forbid people to post anything that doesn't fit your "standards" In Holland we're great fighters for Freedom of Speach.. Even if somebody might get insulted by it..

 

Oh my...

 

@Dog I found something for you..

Doggie deffinitions.

LEASH:
======
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED:
========
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL:
======
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF:
======
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.

GARBAGE CAN:
=============
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES:
==========
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards;
the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS:
=========
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER:
=========
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting,
rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET:
============
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS:
=====
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH:
=====
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BUMP:
=====
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP:
==========
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE:
======
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.

 

Nope.. I didn't miss that banker joke.. It was a good one..

 

Aha, the light dawns - no13 did mention deleted posts earlier. I didn't see anything offensive either, but obviously those came out before I (and probably a lot of others) ever saw them.

 

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey!!! Wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses a*s?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses a*s." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket...

After a long pause, the farmer says.. "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

hmm...
flies...
If you can tell me what Asimov story I'm thinking of... instant gmail invite. Promise.