one liners

I've never lost a game, just been a little behind when time ran out

 

I can not and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.

 

I dialled one of those 900 numbers to get some financial advice. They advised me not to dial 900 numbers.

 

I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it

 

I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.

 

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

 

I have gone to find myself, If I return before I get back...Keep me here

 

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church.

 

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

 

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilisation.

 

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?

 

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

 

If someone is standing between you and God, guess who's closer to God.

 

If someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

 

If there was any justice in this world, oil company executive bathrooms would smell like the ones in their gas stations. (Johnny Carson)

 

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

 

If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.

 

If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances.

 

If you can keep your head while all about are losing theirs and blaming it on you - perhaps you have underestimated the seriousness of the situation.

 

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

 

If you can't be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped.

 

If you can't convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman)

 

If you can't say something nice, become a reporter.

 

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

 

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead, and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.