one liners

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

 

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates 1981.

 

If your fiancee is an existentialist, should you give her a disengagement ring?

 

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

 

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

 

If you always take time to stop and smell the roses - sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee

 

"Domino vobiscum."
(The pizza guy is here.)

 

"Sharpei diem."
(Seize the wrinkled dog.)

 

"Auda similarum ad seattles."
(They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)

 

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."
(Remove foil before microwaving.)

 

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

 

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

 

If at first you don't succeed--try management.

 

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

 

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

 

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.