I've got what women want.

LOL

 

When I saw this thread title, it seemed obvious what HandsOff really had:

An unlimited expenditure credit card

*puts on asbestos groin guard...*

 

Ah. Those emails are ment for you. Is that it?

Then there must also be some rumour (slandarous, no doubt) going round that you are not man enough for all of them. These mails are accompanied by all kinds of offers for products that promise to "better your performance"

Can I forward all those to you? They are clogging up my spamfilters.

Regards,

Pieter

 

Y'know, it *could* be wrong of me to say this, but...Married men should not be indulging themselves into such things. As a married man, it is very wrong of you to take interest in such 'offers' from Women, Farm Animals, Men whatsoever. Remember, if your married it means you love your wife more than anything else in the world. Also remember that your wife agreed to your marriage because you had everything that she wanted in a man.

I'm not saying though that all of you are married.

Hope I dont get flamed for writing this.

Regards,
Firecat

 

You can keep all your offers of fantastic love affairs, I've spent something like £2,000 on these Women, arranging dates etc., and every time there's been some important reason why they haven't been able to make it, through no fault of their own you understand.....I feel sure though, that they will get back to me when they get a chance.....But......
I have been lucky enough to have won $5.000,000,000,000 on four different lotteries World-wide, all I have to do now is send off my cheque for £25.000 and then sit back and wait for the winnings to come......I'll be able to have all the Women and/or Animals I could ever wish for.....don't you just wish you were me 'Firecat'......anyway, whats wrong with having a Wife and loads of willing young Ladies on the side?.....it sure beats School Outings to the Library....... ......I'm such a Lucky Guy.....


Cochise, (Soon to be VERY Rich).

 

PERFECT! LOL!!! O ME O MY!! LOL!!

The fairytale lives.........

 

hilarious!

 

N/A



Firecat: "Why'd anyone need V**g*a? What is that anyway?"

I don't know! I'd be so much happier if this "condition" was not so persistant!



Pieter: "Then there must also be some rumour (slandarous, no doubt) going round that you are not man enough for all of them. "

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.



-HandsOff

 

i noticed we live in the same place handsoff, must be a cali thing!

 

A gentleman does not kiss and tell!


-HandsOff

 

Reminds me of one of the last job applications I filled out ...

Q: Any other special qualifications you haven't mentioned above?

So I couldn't resist ...

A: I may already be a winner through Publisher's Clearing House.

 

THIS THREAD JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!

HANDSoff, I THINK IT MIGHT BE YOUR 'NAME' PRESENTS SUCH A CHALLENGE NO ONE CAN RESIST! AND THAT FACT THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, OF COURSE!

COCHISE! HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!! SEND CHECK OR MONEY ORDER TO..........BLAH..BLAH.........MAKE THAT A CASHIER'S CHECK FOR ..................................

 

You might want to put your money into this venture....guaranteed to make you feel 20 years younger, or at least 100% better - choose one.

Holofiber suit- (actually some scientists say it works...........

 

Better pick up a new vacuum for the little Mrs. while you're buying, got a small warehouse of these models!

 

I've already got that suit....it looks like the same Model I have, with the V!agra effect destructor included.....


Cochise,

 

Yeah 'chise!, Nice suit, but it still doesn't hold a candle to your 'Short-Sleeved Safari Suit' and accompanying 3" (wide!) paisley tie! That really attracts the ladies!

 

I'd say a Racer suit and a good bike is more than enough to attract ladies...

 

Must say Firecat, you sure look pretty cool, I can see what the attraction is.....for the Ladies.....

Cochise,

 

ROFLMAO! LOL!

But I meant a Racer suit, not a driver suit...and a good motor bike, not JUST a bike....

 

all of you mean should read this

FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF GETTING WOMEN - A WELL GROOMED MAN

1)Should put lots of powder to his body and face every day
2)Should spend extra time in the showers
3)Shave all body hair
4)PERFUME, PERFUME AND MORE PERFUME! Cologne will do just fine! There should be an overpowering sensation when the girl smells it, such that she just has to fall into your arms (this works better on people with respiratory problems as they have very little resistance to different smells)
5)FLAIR. You must have a very well balanced attitude, being kind at most times and mean as required (i.e. when someone tries to rough you up)
6)The proper dressing - A tuxedo will always do fine, but an ordinary half-sleeve shirt and black jeans trousers with 21-inch biceps will do the trick.
7)Adaptiveness - The ability to adapt to different situations will often impress the opposite gender.
8-Being soft - spoken would be an extra bonus...but not really required. Helps when your sitting at the park bench together and your unable to speak...
9)Politeness - One must always be extrememly polite to people, be it a brother or a friend
10)Social integrity - What else? If ya know to dance and to ride vehicles and to be funny and extrememly serious when the time comes...you got it all.

These are my ten points...TO BE REVISED AS I GROW OLDER AND MORE MATURED!

Regards,
Firecat

 

Sorrrrry, my mistake, I obviously misunderstood....but I don't think they make that Model bike with an 'engine', well, not in England, that I know of.....I'll check with my local Valocipede Depot...


Cochise,

 

How about a Honda NSR-500 Superbike

 

You forgot to add the 'Sling-back open-toed Wellies'....the 'Barbed-wire Underwear' and the 'Two-piece Fire-Blanket'.....just to complete my fetching ensemble that never fails to attract attention......OF THE LADIES.....


Cochise,

 

firecat; i have found some major flaws in your 10 rules of getting a woman that need to be addressed! if you are trying to attract a young lady in this new millenium, you're going about it all wrong. if your trying to attract a gay man, keep up the good work. luckily i am here to help you. as far as i can tell, rules #1, #3, and #4 need some major overhauling. some of the others are still a little suspect, but at this point in time, they are not critical.

i tried this before, but everytime i sat down a white cloud of smoke came out of my pants and got my clothes all chalky. before i knew it i was constantly surrounded by a cloud of baby powder. some people thought it was head lice. some people thought it was anthrax. i started to look like pig pen from the peanuts cartoon, only i smelled better. i'm staying away from the powder stuff, and you should too.

made that mistake also, reminded me of when i was 6 years old! plus, how many girls really like a man who shaves his legs in the bathtub with her razor? next thing you know you're stealing her nair! stop the shaving of the body hair before it's too late!

maybe a small quirt, but too much and people will stay away from you; some will complain. nobody likes being stuck in an elevator or in an office building with someone who's smell is too overpowering. believe it or not, there are women out there that still like a man that smells like a man.

take a deep breath now. i realize you didn't know all this, but with help and counseling from me, you'll be picking up the ladies in no time. to be continued..................

 

I know a guy that is single and available. I think that he would be a fine catch for Firecat. (Note the black pants!)


-HandsOff