If restaurants functioned like Microsoft.... Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check. Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. Waiter leaves. Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .................. $2.50 Access to support ................................. $1.00
~Only worrying bit about this one is that I have to admit to liking Lynyrd Skynyrd!!~ Buck. MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE by Andrew Burke REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite. "Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals," explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!" Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain. The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and beer at the click of a mouse. "This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere," he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder for their monitors. "Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just catering to a demand, that's all." Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel -- Go America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."
