one liners

OK Let's bump this thread and get rollin'!

 

People would enjoy life more if, once they got what they wanted, they could remember how much they wanted it.

 

Professor to noisey students: "Every time I open my mouth some fool speaks."

 

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

 

Remember the golden rule: he who has the gold makes the rules.

 

Remember, your relatives had no choice in the matter either.

 

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

 

Tact is the ability to tell your boss that he is open-minded when you know he has a hole in his head.

 

Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.

 

Telling the truth and making someone cry is just as bad as telling a lie and making someone smile!

 

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. (Yakov Smirnoff)

 

The best bridge between hope and despair is often a good night's sleep.

 

The best way to overcome temptation is to avoid the tempting situation.

 

The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

 

The Chinese word for "crisis" contains two characters. One of them means "opportunity"

 

The church is looking for better methods. God is looking for better men.

 

The Congress is a strange place where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and then everyone disagrees at the top of their lungs.

 

The difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is about a week.

 

The doctor is NOT ABLE to operate the NOTABLE, because he has NO TABLE!

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.

 

Peace is when the power of love overcomes the love of power.

 

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

 

The funny thing about common sense, it ain't all that common.