joke of the day

The Fisherman
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

 

Windows 2005 Southern Edition
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2005 Southern Edition may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern Edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2005, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"

Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up.

Changes in Terminology In Southern Edition:

Cancel............stopdat

Reset..............try'er agin

Yes...............yep

No................nope

Find...............hunt fer it

Go to............over yonder

Back...............back yonder

Help..............hep me out here

Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!)

Start............crank'er up

Settings..........settins

Programs......... stuff at duz stuff

Documents....... .stuff ah done did

 

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

 

At College Orientation
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

 

Going To A Hockey Game...
Three Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game.

The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. "How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks an American.

"Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.

"Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.

Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"

 

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. They pitched their tent and when night fell, went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Dr. Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

Dr Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Horogically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident that God is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it looks as though we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a moment, then said. "Watson, you bloody idiot someones stolen our tent."

 

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

 

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on
the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

 

Is he a Good Dentist?
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.


His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"


"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.

"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach.

That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

That was my favorite too

 

Me toooooo!

 

me three, tho i must say all of Rita's jokes are good

 

http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif

 

A day off



I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what
I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that
the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.


A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing ? "I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed
out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".


I jumped down and walked out of the office.When my co-worker (the blonde)
followed me, the Boss asked her ..."And where do you think you're going?"



( You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.

 

Yeah right Primware,

What a gross misuse of the words "maybe" and "acted"!

Certifying documents in Looneytoonville, Dr ed

 

And now "maybe" a word from a sponsor..


Calvin and Hobbes Snow Art Gallery
http://www.angelfire.com/wa/zzaran/calvin.html

 

Thanks Primmy,

Another keeper! I'm gonna print them out an put them in the Family Album!

Reliving my childhood, Cal(zone) ed

 

Birthday Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... One of Ken's Friends.

 

The best joke so far Rita is your new sig line. LOL ROLFMAO

 

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came around and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
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"I JUST LOVE BASKING ROBINS."

 

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

 

Tool Definitions

DRILL PRESS A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.


WIRE WHEEL Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."


PLIERS Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new diskbrake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4 Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack


SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

PRY BAR A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short.

HAMMER Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.


Here kitty ..kitty
http://www.bonsaikitten.com/xmascat/xmascat.html