joke of the day

Shame on you Ron--embarassing us morons LOL

 

Well-at least I'm not alone

 

Leaving the Bar

One night, a police officer was staking out a bar to see if he could make a DUI bust.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five cars before he found his. Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several more minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off before he finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was ready. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Oh, tonight I was the designated decoy..."

 

The first time I heard that joke - I thought - *&^% Why didn't I ever think of that! OOPS!! Never mind!
ROFLMAO!!!

 

I'm a moron?? I thought I was Irish!?!?

 

There are sooo many good jokes here, hope this was not posted already!


A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $155.00. The drunk says: "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says: "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $183.00. The drunk says: "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says: "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says: "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies: "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

###################################################


This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. One hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says: "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"

The first guy responds: "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!." So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says: "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

 

For Valentine's Day

A Redneck Valentine

Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.
Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no fire ant
Upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new trollin' motor.

 

Ain't he rhumatic?!?!? Sigh!

 

Expensive

"How long will it take to pull my tooth?" The patient asked the dentist.

"Only two seconds"

"How much will it cost?"

"Fifty dollars."

"For only two seconds of work?"

"Well," The dentist answered coolly, "I can pull it very slowly if you prefer

 

where does Saddam Hussian keep his CDs?

















in a rack

 

a dwarf fortune teller is on the run from the police...

















be on the look out for a small medium at large

 

Exactly!

 

LOL! HI No13!!

 

what is a w.i.f.e

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"

She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fool around, Etc."

 

more new drugs for men

New Drugs for Men
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new style from the beauty parlor. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

 

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket
and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more
pair... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal
and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank
the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my
aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."

 

I took my Wife to one of those Beauty Parlours where they do the whole works for her Birthday....she had everything they had to offer, the works, finishing up with a beautifying, full Face-Pack.....when she came out, she looked fabulous, but after three-weeks it fell off.......



Cochise,

 

(If this is too much.....BJ posted it http://img115.exs.cx/img115/9916/z4dwink.gif )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and
decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day
the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut
in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a
specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living
room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry
and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to
be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with
that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in
downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer
handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five
deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in
amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could
hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush
my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on
your, eh...equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod
so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam?
Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

 

I remember reading that some where, It still makes me laff like crazy!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!