joke of the day

DOS was originally called Q-DOS : Quick 'n' Dirty Operating Sysytem!!!
(really. I swear. MS bought it from a guy after he had developed it in under 3 months. kinda explains a lotta stuff, no )

 

Yes, everybody here better adhere to the high standards of our wilders TOS. Don't ever try to violate any of the rules here.
There's a time to be serious, and there's a time to be funny.

 

What Kind of "Husband" Are Ya?
At the gates of heaven there were two lines, with signs above them.

One line was labeled "Hen Pecked Husbands", and the other was labeled "Non-Henpecked Husbands."

In the line labeled " Hen Pecked Husbands" was filled with men and it stretched as far far as the eye could see.

The other line "non-Hen Pecked Husbands" had only one skinny bald little man with thick glasses.

After surveying the two lines, St. Peter walked over to the little man in the Non-Henpecked line, grabbed his hand and told him how amazed he was at his accomplishment, and asked him "how in the world did you do it? You are the only man in this line."

The little man looked at St. Peter with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Gee mister I don't know what you are talking about, my wife told me to stand here."

 

Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it.

"Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer!!"


Help Desk employee was fired however, he sued the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is the actual
dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee..

http://www.gape.org/sonce/svetpogovorov/vzivo/chat/images/smilies/rofl2.gifhttp://www.gape.org/sonce/svetpogovorov/vzivo/chat/images/smilies/rofl2.gifhttp://www.gape.org/sonce/svetpogovorov/vzivo/chat/images/smilies/rofl2.gif

 

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the beach or should I pack for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

 

Words Woman Use

"FINE":
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"FIVE MINUTES"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"NOTHING"
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine.'

"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word "Fine."

"GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

"LOUD SIGH"
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

"SOFT SIGH"
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

"GO AHEAD"
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"PLEASE DO"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

"THANKS"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

"THANKS A LOT"
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feel Free To Add To The List
{BJ could use the help}

 

"I'll Be Fine!"
This is a phrase women use when a melt down or an emtional crying secession is coming. Everything is your fault, so just admit it! Worry, be very worried! This is a very difficult situation to get out of. This would definitly require complete and total attend, plus gifts.

 

"hmmmmm..."
esp: Marge Simpson: sign of extreme worry/anxiety or disagreement with "homer J.- like" behaviour.
Leads to "I knew it" styled debates at the end of some time.

 

Boy do I know that one...
*************************


Tell me something positive...

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front
of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear,"
she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.


My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is
hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She
turns to her husband and says,


"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks
about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well,
there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."



Services will be held for him Saturday at St. Michel's Memorial Chapel..

 

Winter Survival In The South
There is an ugly rumor that we can't drive in the snow. It's not like we southerners couldn't learn to drive in the snow. It's just that we never get a chance. And when we do, Watch Out.

First, we go about creating the ever popular three-rut road. This is acomplished when the first car, heading north, drives with it's ledt tires where the center line would be if you could see it. The cars heading south also drive with there left tires in the center of the road. This forms a three-rut road and makes for some interesting driving when autos meet each other.

Next, we never drive over one and a half miles an hour. This is so that we can never build up enough speed to get any traction and spend most of our time spinning our wheels and sliding back and forth. If we do get up enough speed, we like to apply our brakes briskly and suddenly.

The North has snowplows and all sorts of snow removal equipment at it's disposal. Most municipalities in the South have an old shovel and some ice cream salt. We do have, however, three or four guys in each community who ride around in a four-wheel-drive vehicle. THey will pull you out of the ditch or run you in it according to their mood.

As soon as we hear the word snow mentioned in the weather forecast, we are all obligated to report to the nearest grocery store immediatley. This is becouse many southerners starved to death in a blizard during the Civil War when they came home with Moon Pies instead of stocking up on bread and milk. If you get a good dusting of snow today you have to have a couple of loaves of bread and a good milk cow or you're doomed.

There is a law in the south that if snow is spotted, schools are to shut down immediately. MInd you, this is if snow is spotted anywhere in a 200-mile radius of the school. We call off school because we don't want our kidds riding home in the snow on those dangerous school buses. Then we put them on a garbage can lid, tie it to the back bumper of the pick up and pull them around on the interstate. It's great fun.

 

I found this on pg.49 out of 60!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pastor Walks Into a Bar
A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub that was hopping with music and
dancing. Every now and than the lights would go out followed by an
eruption of cheer from the crowd. When somebody noticed the pastor
however, the revelry stopped and the room got very quiet. Feeling
awkward and out of place, the pastor went to the bartender and
asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "For heavens
sake, why not?" "Well, there is a large statue of a woman in there, and
I'm afraid it would offend you, being a man of the cloth and all. She
is only wearing a fig leaf over her......." "Nonsense," said the pastor,
"I'll just look the other way." And still feeling very self-conscious in
the quiet room he entered the men's room. After a few minutes he
emerged and the whole place was filled with music and dancing again,
and everyone was giving him an enthusiastic round of applause. Several
patrons came to him, slapped him on the back, put their arms around his
shoulders, and led him to the bar where he was presented with a cold
drink, on the house.
"I don't understand," the bewildered pastor whispered to the bartender,
"What happened?" "They know you're one of us now," the bartender replied.
"How?" The bartender grinned and slid another drink to him. "When the fig
leaf on the satue is lifted, all the lights go out

 

Is there something wrong with this? I guess, you [they]only live once, right? [HA HA HA]

 

Question

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


Answer
The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

* * * * The Singing Wife* * * * * *


Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing? "Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

 

Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

 

good one Beetleboss

 

The Irishman's daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her;
"Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur
coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account
certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for
you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's
parked outside, plus a Lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a
breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."


"Now, what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Dad... Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

 

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting
"Please come out and give yourself up."

 

Hehehehe... Buster Keaton's sketch..

 

Nice Mrs.Beetle!!
Very Funny

 

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

 

Traffic Stop
1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
*************************
DUI
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

LOL!!!! Those are funny!!!!!!

 

Actually, the "only in America" part of this one is semi-true. Here in Ontario, for the last 10 or 15 years provincial law has forbidden drugstores to sell cigarettes, cigars, and roll-your-own makings.

Back when the law was first enacted, it was much tougher -- anything even remotely associated with smoking was banned. But the pharmacies finally convinced the provincial government that things like lighters, matches, and pipe-cleaners (especially the last) are often used for other purposes unrelated to smoking, and the stores would lose a great deal of their non-prescription business to other kinds of stores if people had to go elsewhere for them.

 

Interesting? Mike.
Here's another silly joke...

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself, for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 

What I Didn't Know Until I Had Kids

How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish sticks perfectly.
Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is.
How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child and all of the above simultaneously.
Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes and mitten clips.
Locations of public restrooms all across town.
Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.
That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.
The amazing technicolor variety of infant stool.
How to open a van door while bobbling 2 lunch boxes, two extra coats, a purse, a diaper bag and a baby.
The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or a Playmobil cannonball.
That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.
How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.
That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.
Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
That reverse psychology really works.
The recipe for a homemade version of Play-doh.
That Duplo and Lego blocks procreate in the night.
The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.
Why they call them Happy meals.
How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste.
That man (or child anyway) really can live on peanut butter alone.
That gender inequality starts early in clothing: Boy's underpants have a wide band on top, while the waistband and leg holes on girls look the same, increasing the odds that she'll pull 'em on tangles or upside down.
Sesame Street's air time.
That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.
The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines.
And the one I wanted to add ... How much you could love one human being!