Need Decent One Liners Please

[MICRO]

In the beginning there was nothing - Then god said,
'Let there be light' - and there was still nothing
- but at least you could see it.

An idle mind is the best way to relax.

Regards.

[Peaches4U]

"No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."

[Rita]

you can prevent a summer cold by catching it in the winter

[Rita]

you know your living a sad life when a nyphomaniac tells you"lets just be friends"

[Rita]

a pig that knows karate is called a pork chop

[bigc73542]

A mind in thought with no IQ is still in neutral

[Rita]

you can hold a conversation without ever touching it

[Rita]

you can buy four suits for a dollar if you buy a deck of cards

[Etsnuffy]

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

[bigc73542]

If your feet hurt make sure your shoes are on the right feet.

[Etsnuffy]

You know you are over-the-hill when you're just too tired to climb one!

[Rita]

a piano has alot of keys but will never open a door

[Rita]

a trees favorite drink is a root beer

[Etsnuffy]

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

[Rita]

a wicked chicken lays deveiled eggs

[JimIT]

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"--Henny Youngman

[Rita]

if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo you get Big Holes All Over Australia

[Etsnuffy]

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

[Rita]

if frogs park illegaly they get toad

[JimIT]

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"--Henny Youngman

[Etsnuffy]

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

[Rita]

the only cats that love bowling are alley cats

[JimIT]

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.--Henny Youngman

[Rita]

if you cross posion ivy with four leaf clovers you get a rash of good luck

[JimIT]

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."--Henny Youngman

[Etsnuffy]

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

[JimIT]

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"--Henny Youngman

[JimIT]

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.--Henny Youngman

[ronjor]

My neighbor put in a circular driveway
... but now, he can't get out.

Steven Wright

[JimIT]

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? --Henny Youngman

[Rita]

do fat people go skinny dipping?

[ronjor]

A girl phoned me & said.. "Come on over, nobody's home."
I went over - - Nobody was home !

Rodney Dangerfield

[Acadia]

My signature. 8)

Acadia

[Rita]

cemetary workers prefer the grave yard shift

[bigc73542]

eat wet cement and get stoned

[JimIT]

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

[Etsnuffy]

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

[JimIT]

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." --Jake Johansen

[Etsnuffy]

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

[ronjor]

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

[Etsnuffy]

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

[bigc73542]

Did you hear about the New Yorker who was killed in a pie-eating contest?
The cow sat on him

[Etsnuffy]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

[sakharg]

Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming from the opposite direction.

[sakharg]

Those who say money can't buy happiness obviously don't know where to shop.

[bigc73542]

They say money is the root of all evil, well i am ready to be bad. Send money

[sakharg]

Jesus Saves!........But Ruud Van Nistelrooy scores on the rebound!

(Substitute your favourite striker here) :)

[sakharg]

Groucho Marx gems:

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

[MICRO]

Thanks to you all - Please keep them coming -
The tears are running down my face !

Regards.

[bigc73542]

Take my wife==PLEASE

[Peaches4U]

a small town is a place where everybody who knows whose cheque is good and whose spouse isn't.

[wildman]

;D Madam it is obvious that you have been educated far beyond your inteligence.- Jerry Clower

Thanks
Wildman
:o

[bigc73542]

Did you hear about the bubble brain who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?

[wildman]

:D I came, I saw. Did I mention that I am sight impared.

Thanks
Wildman
:P :)

[bigc73542]

A man was admitted to the city hospital last night with severe burns after dunking for French fries at a Halloween party

[wildman]

:o You know that your old, when all your little black book contains is doctor's phone numbers.

Thanks
Wildman
:-[ 8) :'(

[wildman]

:'( Why the choper crashed: Pilot: Well it got cold in the cockpit, so I turned off that over head fan.

Thanks
Wildman
:) ;D 8)

[bigc73542]

You know you are getting old when they quit checking your ID and start calling you sir/mam

[Peaches4U]

we must believe in luck . how else can we explain the success of those we do not like.

[Peaches4U]

the only thing faster than the speed of light is word of mouth.

[bigc73542]

if you need to spread the word don't telephone, tell a woman ;)

[Peaches4U]

a man does not live by bread alone. he has to handle some hot potatoes, know his onions, and be worth his salt. little wonder man is in a stew.

[bigc73542]

hear hear peaches, I like that one.

[Peaches4U]

one more before i sign off ......

there has been a great proliferation of lawyers in the past 20 years, just as there has been a proliferation of computers. but unlike computers, lawyers do not get twice as intelligent and half as expensive every two years.

[bigc73542]

do you know what you call two hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean-----------------------A good start ;D

[Peaches4U]

if u are a bear u get to hibernate. u do nothing for 6 months but sleep -

before u hibernate u are supposed to eat urself stupid.

if u are a bear - ur mate expects u to weake up growling. he expects that u will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

if u are a mamma bear, everyone knows u mean business - u swat anyone who bothers ur cubs. if ur cubs get out of line , u swat them too.

i can deal with that - i wanna be a bear.

[bigc73542]

What do you get when you cross a flower with a virus writer
A blooming idiot

[Peaches4U]

God put me on this earth to sew and finish a certain number of things. i am so far behind now i will never die.

[Peaches4U]

an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain [i know some people like that].

[JimIT]

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!" --Henny Youngman

[JimIT]

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" --Henny Youngman

[Peaches4U]

if u yelled for 8 yrs. 7 mos. and 6 days, u would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee [hardly seems worth it].

[JimIT]

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." --Henny Youngman

[JimIT]

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!" --Henny Youngman

[JimIT]

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. --Henny Youngman

[bigc73542]

she is an earth sign and I am a water sign. Toghther we make mud.

[JimIT]

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
--Henny Youngman

[JimIT]

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
--Henny Youngman

[JimIT]

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
--Henny Youngman

[JimIT]

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
--Henny Youngman

[JimIT]

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

[JimIT]

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

[JimIT]

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

[JimIT]

Guns don't kill people--it's those darn bullets!
--Jake Johansen

[JimIT]

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

[JimIT]

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

[JimIT]

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

[JimIT]

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

[JimIT]

What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"

[JimIT]

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

[JimIT]

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

[JimIT]

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

[JimIT]

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

[JimIT]

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
--Henny Youngman

[JimIT]

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
--(allegedly Mark Twain)

[JimIT]

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
--George Carlin

[JimIT]

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
--George Burns

[JimIT]

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
--George Burns

[JimIT]

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
--George Burns

[JimIT]

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
--Rodney Dangerfield

[JimIT]

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
--Rodney Dangerfield

[mismis29]

*My signature* ;)

[Rita]

a stitch in time saves nine--what?

[Rita]

Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed

[MICRO]

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the 2nd Mouse that gets the cheese !

[MICRO]

It's not the Despair - I can stand the Despair, It's the Hope !

[MICRO]

Beggars can be choosers by doing a bit of shoplifting !

[MICRO]

Treat contempt with kindness -
Only a bloody fool treats kindness with contempt.

[MICRO]

Questions may always be answered, but answers should always be questioned.

[Rita]

Genius aint anything more than elegant common sense

[ronjor]

I bought some powdered water once
... but I didn't know what to add

Steven Wright

[MICRO]

Girls when they went out to swim
once dressed like Mother Hubbard.
Now they have a bolder whim
and dress more like her cupboard.

[MICRO]

Wine improves with age - the older I get the more I like it.

[MICRO]

When the power of Love overcomes the Love of power -
we will have a chance.

[bigc73542]

A bee could travel 4 million miles (6.5 million km) at 7 mph (11 km/h) on the energy it would obtain from 1 gallon (3.785 liters) of nectar.

[Peaches4U]

the nice thing about being senile is that u can hide ur own easter eggs.

[Peaches4U]

Pizza shop sign - 7 days without a pizza makes one weak.

[Peaches4U]

sign seen on a plumber's truck - " we repair what ur husband fixed." " Don't sleep with a drip - call ur plumber".

[Peaches4U]

inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened!

[Mr.Blaze]

8) never assume things its the mother load to all f@#$ up's

[Mr.Blaze]

8) even budah only forgives three times "click" BANG!

[Mr.Blaze]

8) Be careful with the guns there a gift from the devill

[Mr.Blaze]

8) Dont pist me off im runing out of places to stash bodies

[Mr.Blaze]

8) your soul may belong to god but your a$$ belongs to me

[Mr.Blaze]

8) forgiveness is an aquired taste to bad i aint got a taste for it.

blaze duping dirt in a freeshly made shallow grave :D

[Mr.Blaze]

8) time to give the devill his due BANG BANG

[Mr.Blaze]

8) in a race wining isnt everything

"it the only DAMN THING FOLLWED FROM CLOSE LINE FROM BEHIND"

[Mr.Blaze]

ITS NOT IMPORATANT IF YOU WIN OR LOSE JUST HOW YOU PASS THE BLAME

[MICRO]

More is lost by indecision than wrong decision.

[MICRO]

If women did not exist - all the money in the world would have no meaning.

[MICRO]

If everyone thought before they spoke - the silence would be deafening.

[MICRO]

Today's mighty Oak is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground.

[Peaches4U]

a bird in a hand is worth two in a bush.........

[Peaches4U]

don't worry about temptation - as u grow older it will avoid u.

[Peaches4U]

when a man gets to big for his britches, he usually needs a bigger hat as well.

[Marja]

When I met Mr. Right I had no idea his first name was Always!

[Marja]

The trouble with the rat race, is even when you win, you're still a rat.

[Marja]

Cats are smarter than dogs, you couldn't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

[Marja]

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove you don't need it.

[Marja]

You knowthe world has gone crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest player in the NBA is a Chinese guy. Chris Rock

[Marja]

If God wanted us to be naked, He would have made our skin fit better.

[Marja]

The trouble with jogging is the ice falls out of your glass.

[slammer_JvA]

"You need to shoot first, to be able to score" -Johan Cruijff

[slammer_JvA]

"Every disadvantage has its advantage" -Johan Cruijff

[wildman]

:o If at first you don't succeed, quit!

You know your old when: You feel like the night before and you haven't been anywhere.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to simply serve as a warning to others.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Thanks
Wildman
;D 8) :D :o :P

[Rita]

Depression is merely anger without enthusemiam

[Rita]

if you want a man to quit biting his nails make him wear shoes

[Etsnuffy]

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

[Rita]

If your parents never had children chances are you wont either

[Rita]

Aliens dont eat clowns because they taste funny

[Rita]

The proctogolist called-they just found your head

[Etsnuffy]

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

[bigc73542]

Daddy your VCR won't play a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

[ronjor]

Gallup computer virus
Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

[bigc73542]

Oklahoma and texas defination of a hard drive: A real bumpy road.

[wildman]

;) What is the differance between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Thanks
Wildman
:o :D :-*

[bigc73542]

You can usually tell an alcoholic by their rusty zipper.

[Peaches4U]

today some nest eggs are turning into chicken feed.

[Peaches4U]

illegible handwriting is a form of script tease

[Peaches4U]

the quickest way to find out how to do it yourself is to criticize ur wife. ;D

[MICRO]

Pragmatism=If you're not with the one you love -then love the one you're with !

[MICRO]

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense

[MICRO]

Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions.

Albert Einstein

[Marja]

I like that Einstein one, Micro!

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair doe in the library?

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

[Marja]

I'm so paranoid, I have a rear view mirror on my stationary bike.

[Marja]

Tim Allen's motto - "If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it."

I'm on a 45 day diet,it's going great! I've already lost 30 days.

[Marja]

Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don't make. Donald Trump

If you tell the truth, you don't need a long memory.

[Marja]

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart


"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." Roseanne