Jokes told from the computer store

[Uguel707]

Here are some computers jokes I've picked recently. Some of them could have happened to a newby like me... :-\
Most computer users understand that you need an operating system to use a computer practically, even if it is not clear why. But many users don't.

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Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?"
Customer: "A computer."

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Customer: "I don't use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?"

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Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

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Customer: (angrily) "You said I would get 98 windows with this computer. Where are they?"

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A customer called in with modem problems.

Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed."
Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?"
Me: "Make sure all windows are closed."
Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here."
Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!

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Last year, the temp agency I was working for was arranging a contract for me, and some additional "computer skills" tests were necessary. The branch manager asked what kind of computer I was comfortable with. I said, "Windows PC," although I had used several others. She cut in right then and asked, "Word or Excel?"

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Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?"

Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?"
Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?"

Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you ust sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?"
Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on."
Tech Support: "And then what happens?"
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part."
Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried."
Tech Support: "And that is what?"
Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?"
Customer: "A bunch of little pictures."
Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'."
Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it."
Tech Support: "You mean an apple?"
Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."
Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac.

Even after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I never could convince him.


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Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

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Have a nice day! --if you do have jokes, I'll be happy to read yours...-- ;) Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

:o That not funny you posting my conversation with you for tech support.

I didnt think you hang at wilders mr or ms gate way tech support >:(

[Tinribs]

:D I love reading those tech support funnies!

[Jooske]

These are nice, thanks!
there is more fun stuff in the computer area overhere
http://diamondcs.com.au/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=418

[Uguel707]

Hi folks!

-{ Quote: "That not funny you posting my conversation with you for tech support.
" }-

;D ;D ;D Blaze, Wait till I tell about my misfortunes with Symantec bulldog...You won't believe it.

-{ Quote: "I love reading those tech support funnies! " }-

Thank you tinribs! :)

-{ Quote: "These are nice, thanks!
there is more fun stuff in the computer area overhere
http://diamondcs.com.au/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=418 " }-

Thanks a lot Jookse ! I'll certainly enjoy reading those, I'll see your link after work for I'll have plenty of time to read them. :D

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RgADX!oVBRxTkmpUwu!0A!bCUnNsh*GvD7NRgLlDH*VntwKtgBDFtoOtVODBCiLFWL9xtu3P2iOUX*WB5uYH6YWv28G3VWcnukPVIOCLkN0/computer.gif?dc=4675426260683410556

Bye everyone! Uguel

[Tinribs]

I enjoyed this thread so much I shall award a juicy, fruit filled karma cookie to Uguel!

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "I enjoyed this thread so much I shall award a juicy, fruit filled karma cookie to Uguel!" }-

Thank you very much! I'm glad you like them because I learn a lot from you guys when reading your posts. I don't know as much as you do. So, I "post" the best I can do. ;)

This is "my" story:

It took time before I could convince my circle that I really need a computer. At first, they all objected to me , my brother told me not to and that I may turn fat and lazy as well:

" You won't enjoy sports anymore...your may get as large as a public employee chair...and anyway Internet is plenty of virus"

One friend said:

" No, I assure you: it's a virtual crooked world who relies on people naivety to make profit. They'll get you in no time"

Another one told me:

" I had it in the past and didn't like internet. In fact, I hated it!"

"Why?"

"Because I never found how to get connected to Internet"

So, I was really alone on my side when I decided to get a new computer. Had a hard time getting connected at first, but after 2 days everything was fine. One day friends came to my house to pay me a visit. As I was talking with them in the living room I decided to go into my student room and make sure that my computer "was still there". I couldn't believe I had that wonderful machine...Without paying attention to my guests, I decided to turn it on and went to a hip music site which had the latest hits on line. Of course, all friends realized that I was more interested by the " new machine" than by them...Not long after, I got to the site, I launched Window Media Player started listening to the music....then Norton's antivirus window popped up saying that someone was reading my files....So, I wait a little bit then I saw a mad bulldog head showing and looking at me angrily.

" I'm done" Said I.

"THAT BULLDOG IS A REAL BIG VIRUS!" It useless to say how much I was panicking. "It's my first virus and I CAUGHT THE BIGGEST ONE IN THE WORLD" Was I thinking.

I shut down the PC with all windows open, hurtled down the stairs four at a time. I almost swallowed a full beer when I came down in the living room. All people were staring at me. They knew that I didn't use to be a fast drinker...

"What's ailing you ...?"

"Oh! Nothing"

--it wouldn't had been a good thing telling them the truth for they were all ready to raise hell about the PC matter...--

Since they could see that I was as white as a ghost they didn't believe me. They left no long after for I was sitting agape.

It took me 2 days before I had courage enough to re-open my computer. I decided not to panick that time... and read the whole thing carefully and then I realized that that dog called "Symantec" was working for Norton and wasn't a virus at all but likely an assistant. I scanned the whole disc and not a virus was to be found. Heard after that many TV and radio stations may scan their content for management purpose and AV don't like that...

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RwDXAvUU1fZPfw!VPH7LlLnoDUw*OC6g79E266bVbVHQTMD3c75C2Em7QUKpgBkiDiuTG6yzoEcajKE0XDfNmw5R6esGFlZPUQURdO*qbp0/dog07.gif?dc=4675427413018343208

Uguel

[Uguel707]

Hi!

All right! I went to you page Jooske and it was a funny thread. My favourite were Dave Barry's joke and of course, the helicopter one. ;D ;D ;D

Thanks! Uguel

[Uguel707]

More computers jokes...

from me...

Once I was working in a Word document. My old aunt came in...

"What's that?"

"Umm?...OH!..."that" is Word"

" THAT IS BOOORING.....!!!
Can't you turn it to Oprah instead?"

..........................................................................................

Me: "What operating system are you running?"
Student: "Hunh?"
Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?"
Student: "Um, I don't know."
Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?"
Student: "It's yellow."
Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?"
Student: "What's that?"
Me: "The big grey box."
Student: "It doesn't say anything."
Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?"
Student: "Monitor?"
Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box."
Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button."
Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?"
Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?"

..........................................................................................

I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something funny so I started listening their conversation:


Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?"
Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there."
Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?"
Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages."
Woman 1: "Why?"
Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin."


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I was asked to fix Word Perfect once, when it had apparently "just quit working." They didn't know why, but it didn't take long for me to find the problem. They had cleaned up their hard drive by erasing all binary files because "they weren't readable."



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Me: "You really should exit Windows before you shut down."
Friend: "Why?"
Me: "Well, otherwise you could end up with fragmented files and hard drive errors and that sort of thing."
Friend: "Oh well. Who cares about hard drive errors?"

......................................................................................

;D Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

i offichialy declare this the huemor thread blaze take bottle of champaighen and smashs algaints thred.

there cresind

For the Guy's!

100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be A Guy

1.there is no #1 reason, and that's okay
2.Movie nudity is virtually always female
3.Child birth
4.A five day vacation requires only one suitcase
5.Monday Night Football
6.Belching is cool
7.Your bathroom lines are always 80% shorter
8.You can open all your own jars
9.Old friends don't give a crap if you've lost or gained weight
10.Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind
11.Screw up the laundry once, never allowed to do it again
12.Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
13.All your orgasms are real
14.Those chairs by the waiting room at lingerie shops are for you
15.Guys in hockey masks don't attack you
16.You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
17.You can still get away with MAKING a Valentine's day card
18.You can go to the bathroom without a support group
19.Your last name stays put
20.You can understand Homer Simpson
21.You never get a stupid Love Quiz in GQ
22.You can kill your own food
23.The garage is all yours
24.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
25.Big Breasted Stripper days on Jerry Springer
26.We're treated like royalty when we're sick
27.You never have to clean the toilet
28.You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
29.Sex means never worrying about your reputation
30.Wedding plans take care of themselves
31.If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she is still your friend
32.Your underwear is $10 for a three pack
33.The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34.None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
35.You don't have to shave below the neck
36.Scratching your ass is just fine
37.If you're 34 and single nobody notices
38.You can write your name in snow
39.Beer is a food group
40.Everything on your face stays its original colour
41.Chocolate is just another snack
42.You can be president
43.Going to the gym to look at the aerobic girls is called 'working out'
44.Flowers fix everything
45.You never have to worry about other people's feelings
46.You get to think about sex 90% of the day
47.You can wear a white shirt to a water park
48.Three pairs of shoes are enough
49.You can eat a banana in a hardware store
50.A 'mood swing' is a place, with a swing, where you get sex.
51.Foreplay is optional
52.Falling asleep right after sex
53.Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk into the room
54.You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
55.Middle aged, big gut? No problem, it's expected.
56.Underwear lasts longer than most marriages
57.Car mechanics tell the truth
58.The belly button is a fantastic place to store corn chip crumbs
59.You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without thinking: He must be mad at me
60.The world is your urinal
61.Wake up, shower, eat, brush your teeth, leave... max 15 minutes.
62.You get to jump up and slap stuff
63.Hotwax never comes near your pubic area
64.One mood, all the time
65.Your virginity is never 'taken' away. You'd gladly give it to anyone that asks.
66.Father-in-laws are sweet older men. Mother-in-laws are nasty old bitches.
67.You know at least twenty ways to open a beer bottle
68.You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing
69.Same work...more pay
70.Gray hair and wrinkles add character
71.You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment
72.It's OK to marry a girl much younger than you if you have money
73.It's OK to cop a free feel when you cuddle.
74.With 400 million sperms per shot you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory
75.You never have to wear high heels.
76.Sometimes women will fight over you, and you get to watch
77.The remote is yours and yours alone
78.People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
79.People never complain about men drivers
80.Drinking till you pass out is occasionally OK
81.Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers
82.You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mom
83.Breast augmentation on your wife is a gift to both of you
84.You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom
85.If you don't call your buddy when you say you will,he won't tell your friends you've changed
86.Someday you'll be a dirty old man, and you're looking forward to it.
87.You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*** it!"
88.If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you might become lifelong buddies
89.Dad always let you stay out late while your sister had to be in before midnight
90.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
91.You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
92.You're expected to stink if you work out
93.If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
94.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
95.If someone bothers you, you just don't talk to them and problem solved.
96.Telephone company commercials don't make you cry
97.Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them
98.Girls play barbie. You had GI Joe
99.Baywatch
100.There is always a game on somewhere

[Mr.Blaze]

for woman



> Men are like..........

>Men are like ......... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of
>you.
>
>Men are like ......... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm
>they are.
>
>Men are like ......... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long
>enough.
>
>Men are like ......... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change
>them.
>
>Men are like ......... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not
>quite sure why.
>
>Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they
>usually head right for your hips.
>
>Men are like ......... Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, &
>can keep you up all night long.
>
>Men are like ......... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they
>say.
>
>Men are like ......... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always
>1/2 off.
>
>Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take sooooooo long
>to mature.
>
>Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign
>of emotion.
>
>Men are like ......... Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a
>little while.
>
>Men are like ......... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're
>coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
>
>Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very
>bright.
>
>Men are like ......... Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are
>taken, the rest are handicapped

[Dan Perez]

:D

In return for this feast of humour, karma cookies go to both Blaze and Uguel!

Uguel, you are just hauling them in!

:)

[Jooske]

Blazy you forgot one important one (see? it was not written by a woman!)
>Men are like ......... Onions ...... You need them but they make you cry.

[Uguel707]

Blaze, had a great fun reading your post. Thank you!

This is true that most women make such a fuss to please everyone...most of women don't like the way they look and so on...The day a woman realizes that she doesn't have to please everyone to be happy but just being herself, that would be a great leap upwards. I remember a friend of mine who refuses to smile not to get wrinkles on her face. I did stupid things too to please others b'cause that's the way many women are--wish to say "were"-- still brought up today.
The best thing is "to be ourself ". But it's difficult. Society doesn't help much, in tv programs, magazines, shows...a woman has to be perfect in every way ...Would she get more mercy for that? Nay....Maybe "wow you look nice today!" But no guarantee of consistent happiness may follow after...just a shallow "Oh wow" and that's it!

OH WHILE TAPING THIS...I REALIZE THAT MY NAILS AREN'T DONE! QUICK! BETTER SHUT THIC PC BEFORE ONE COULD NOTICE! ;D ;D ;D
But it would be unfair not to mention some guys I know who spend many hours in a gym to look kinda Arnold...
They drink protein, creatin, whey powders...when they talk to you they don't care what you telling them for all they care is making all kind of stances to show their big muscles at their best... :P
http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0WADUAlkd3mgzCzNUojwxE7!F!DTLtRXGOv4EwLEdiCtdueM6w4yYWWnHsQ8gnnoEa9fZKAZVbheWMhcaXTVHkX4dgVYHG9DUpb7QJfZExp3WoDHGDy0aWDzPU2M3nSAlMgAAAP****8/bodybuilder_pullups_md_wht.gif?dc=4675427967197644130
To me, a happy face is worth any kind of make up. Of course, if one is really "broken" he can work it out...
Also mr. Blaze, I want to grab the occasion to tell you that your posts are entertaining, lively all the way! ;)

[Uguel707]

Oh! I forgot to say that I've just commented :
100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be A Guy

I'll comment the next one later...It's a "woman prerogative"
Ah!AH! AH! ;D
Ups! No more laughing. I may get those nasty wrinkles around my mouth :-\Better stay serious...

Oh thank you mr. Perez for the cookie...that's real nice from you...
Wish it's a low-calorie one! ;D ;D ;D

Bye, Uguel

[JimIT]

Funny stuff! :)

[Mr.Blaze]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[Uguel707]

Why It's great To Be A woman


1.We don't have to spend a fortune for a car to impress friends.

2.We can express our emotions, we don't get ulcers.

3.Our car last longer than men.

4.We don't have to drive fast to feel like a hero-sandwich.

5.We can put a pretty hat on when having a bad hair day.

6.We don't have to shave everyday.

7.Seldom do we perspire or sweat. We always smell good.

8.We can put 25 pieces of lingerie in the same drawer.
Long john and boxer shorts take too much room.

9.Women are more agile than men.

10.We don't need any back-scratcher.

11.When looking good we can say silly things and all men would approve.

12. If we don't have to spend a fortune for a car...

13. (it's b'cause) They own expensive car and give us rides.

14. Our male friends don't get angry if we forget their anniversaries.

15. We can wear clothes of all colours.

16. We don't have to wear choking ties.

17. Short women can wear high pumps. Short men stay short.

18. We don't complaint when getting ill for we can read interesting magazines in bed.

19. We can let our hair grow as long as we want.

20. We don't have to do silly things to impress friends.

21. We don't have to swear to show our anger.

22. If we don't fight or go to war, nobody tells you
you're a coward.

23. We can pamper ourselves as much as we want.

24. We can change our look as much as we want.

25. And if there is something we cannot do, we would ask a man to do it for us.. ;D ;D ;D

Of course, there are more reason...but if I tell all of them we may loose power and certain privileges. ;)

Uguel

[Jooske]

And reason
3061: Chocolate is GOOD for women!

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol lol lol

[Mr.Blaze]

Blaze Goes To Summer Camp :D


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Paul Wilder:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn ???. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Blaze. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we :) :)sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni :D). Blaze would have none of it. Blaze 8) pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down >:( ??? right there, if only we had known. He left six weeks ago __-__-_------_--:D. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.

These are some of my little Blazey's letters.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

The kids are dorky nerds here at wilders. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Love, Blaze.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.

Love, Blaze.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell-checked too with ie spell my frind fan j helped me.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan because we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. The wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.

Love, Blaze.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Low water mark says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Blaze.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. fan j did it in five, he's going to show me how. Fan j is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Blaze anymore. So, I'm not.

Signed, William.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.

Regards, William.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely, William.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr. Paul Wilder's? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Blaze. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates, Concerned Parent



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Paul wilder inadequately replied: Come on, Sally, boys will be boys.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

blazes twisted verstion of an already exsiting joke lol

[Mr.Blaze]

If Operating Systems Were Beers...
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like the Mac Beer can. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like the Mac Beer can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
(IHC Editor's Note #1: This review was written before Windows 95 beer was available nationally.)
(IHC Editor's Note #2: The MicroBrewer that markets Windows 95 Beer recently recommended that you only drink it at home or at a small business. Larger businesses should let their employees consume Windows NT beer only.)


Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like the Windows 3.1 Beer can, but the company promises to change the can to look just like the Windows 95 Beer can - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
(IHC Editor's Note: The MicroBrewer that produces the Windows 3.1 and Windows NT beers recently announced the cans will not look the same after all.)


Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but its recipe was picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that it is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

[Mr.Blaze]

Microsoft Anti Trust...
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.

"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it.

Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."

"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish."

"Check."

"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

"No."

"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."

"It did."

"Pardon?"

"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."

"Go away," I said.

"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding," I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL."

"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."

"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"Windows 95....For Pets?"

"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

[Dan Perez]

heh, heh

Very good everyone, especially Blaze who gets a cookie.

I think that Blaze currently has the edge in this latest Wilders Cookie War. C'mon Uguel, put up a fight!

:D

[Mr.Blaze]

;DLOL I LOVE Uguel707 Because there new to me i never seen them and ive seen lots of jokes in my life time

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "LOL I LOVE Uguel707 Because there new to me i never seen them and ive seen lots of jokes in my life time " }-

Thank you Blaze! Most of the computer jokes were taken from the web. Except my experience with a dog callled Symantec and my old aunt one. All jokes on women and men are made up from me. They are just informations gathered from observation or experiment. ;)

(I'm going to read your lasts post now)

More Reasons Why It's good to be a woman....

1.Women live longer than men.
2.Men wear rubber shoes and lose them in the street.
3.The men clothes in the Sears catalog are the same since the seventies.
4. Women can dance all evening without getting tired.
5.Men would rather sit, drink and get bored
6.ANW, most men don't know what to do on a dancing floor.
7.Men go training in a gymn but are always too tired to vacuum the floor.
8.When there is stg to lift, we call his arms while women just have to look.
9.Most men are allergic to shopping, women aren't and love it.
10.They use to be grumpy in the morning.
11. If we say a compliment to a man, he would give you a look of smug satisfaction and never say thank you.
12. Woman speak and laugh of their faults, men hide them.

But I'm glad we're different...if not, life would be boring! ;D

Jokes on women are to come...

Bye Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

I Love Her, But...

~~a collection of men's thoughts on their women~~

...she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
--Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?
--Ted, Wexford, Pa.
what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
--Miles, Shreveport, La.
she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
--Terence, Gary, Ind.
she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
--Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
--Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
--Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
--Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the darn things. Scared me half to death.
--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
--Archie, St. Louis
it annoys her that our children look like me.
--James, New Orleans
counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
--Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "Blaze Goes To Summer Camp " }-

I loved that one...it's excellent!

-{ Quote: "(He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni " }-

looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool! ;D ;D ;D

Sure, kinda stuff everyone made in a summer camp!

Bye, Uguel

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the darn things. Scared me half to death.
--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
" }- ;D ;D ;D this is my favourite! All the other ones are good too!

Here's a low calory cookie for mr. Blaze. Sure, Uguel doesn't want mr. Blaze putting on weight. ;)

--Oh! sorry I have to wait a little before giving it...I gave one to sbd 30 minutes ago.They said "...just one cookie per hour" Don't worry, you'll get it!--

Bye, Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

;Darnt these jokes great i use to have a huge collection of jokes at la femme nikita bord at warner brothers a tresure trove most of these jokes come frome lfn sos bord lol

basicly an all woman bord lol xof la femme nikita fans probably one of the most strangest places in cyber space

it strange when you go to warner brothers bord or sos bord you atomaticly think its a childrens bord lol

full of kids but its actualy adults haveing the time of there life with smileys.

i come from the land of [ lol ] lmao

think of a place with thousands of me lol thats where im from the only major difrence to tell us apart is are usser names and im the little one that cant spell all others can lol

so i stick out still in the group lol

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol for those ever wondering where my first baby cyber steps came from here it is lol.

http://boards.warnerbros.com/web/wbus/topics.jsp?board=La+Femme+Nikita

then there was a war between the posters and the admin the great lfn bord war lol so we moved here

http://pub59.ezboard.com/bstraightouttasection

by the way we were kicking the admins but at warner brothers lol

he oe she sensore us then a member would refresh the page and repost what was deleted lol

so imagine hundreds of people on the bord refreshing and as soon as the admin got done it was reposted imadiatly klol.

and banding us was imposiable.

new usser naqme in 4 mibutes flat lol

yup the great bord war ahhhhhhh memorys

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dok back to the jokes lol i been burrowing mine the the tower at sos time to fine more lol

[Mr.Blaze]

;D so true

LONGEVITY

The Horse and Mule live 30 years,
And nothing know of wines and beers.
The Goat and Sheep at 20 die,
And never taste a Scotch or Rye.
The Cow drinks water by the ton,
And at 18 years is mostly done.
Without the aid of Rum or Gin,
The Dog at 15 cashes in.
The Cat in milk or water soaks,
And then in 12 short years it croaks.
The modest, sober, bone-dry Hen,
Lays eggs for Nog, then dies at 10.
All animals are strickly dry.
They sinless live, then swiftly die.
But sinful, Ginful, Rum-soaked men,
Survive for three-score years and ten.
And some of us, a mighty few,
Keep drinking 'till we're 92!

[Mr.Blaze]

A Love Story

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening while they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a stinking garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a worthless warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "so i stick out still in the group lol " }-

I believe you in every aspects Blaze. There couldn't be 2 Blaze. That's just impossible! Unless you get cloned... ;D

Oh more jokes....

----------------------------------------------------------------------

An instructor in the BASIC programming language was teaching his class how to write a simple program and execute it. When each student had all their program steps keyed in, he told the class to type R-U-N and enter. A lady in the back of the class said that it didn't work. It turned out, when the instructor had said to type R-U-N, she had typed, "are you in."



-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?"
Customer: "Hello, yes, it's me."
Tech Support: "Oh, it's me too." [chuckle]
Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e."
Tech Support: "Oh, sorry."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tech Support: "Type 'fix' with an 'f'."
Customer: "Is that 'f' as in 'fix'?"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."
...........................................................................................

Customer: "Right, this computer's gone all crazy. It's blinking, beeping, and doing all sorts of stuff!"
Him: "What were you doing with the computer at the time?"
Customer: "I was dusting it."
...............................................................................................................
Recently I overheard two co-workers, the first of which was training the other one.


Co-Worker #1: "A boolean variable has two possible values: true or false."
Co-Worker #2: "Umm...true?"
........................................................................................

I work for an ISP. After two calls totaling 45 minutes with one customer, I asked him to bring his computer, in and I would configure it myself. He was a bit skeptical, so I assured him that he did not have to bring in the whole computer, just the CPU -- no monitor, cables, mouse or keyboard, just the CPU. He was not sure which part was the CPU, so I told him, "Just bring in the box -- the part with the CD-ROM drive and floppy drive." I explained this twice. Later he arrived with the cardboard box that his computer came in. I asked him where the computer was, he replied, "I thought you just needed to look at the box to see what model it was."
.......................................................................................

Tech Support: "May I ask who's calling, please?"
Customer: "You're joking."
Tech Support: "No, I need to know so I can log the call. What's your name, please?"
Customer: "You're joking!"
Tech Support: "No, really! I need to know."
Customer: "No...." (chuckles) "My name is Yuriy Jokin. I'm Russian. I know what my name means in English. It's very confusing!"
.........................................................................................

Bye, Uguel

[root]

Little off topic, but my favorite joke.

Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
====> Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay! <===

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky *barbecue?* with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled?it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?

Write to the author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol lol lol lol lol more more lol lol lol lol

[Mr.Blaze]

Married Too Long
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only l6?" he asked.

"Yes I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"

"Yes I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...... I would have gotten out today."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent in by Jan Thomas... Well, I won't add anything that might get him into trouble.

Married men live longer then single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he married her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Marriage is a three ring circus:

Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Marriage is a wonderful institution. It allows two persons to share the problems that they would not have had if they did not get married.

[Mr.Blaze]

;DThe Male Commandments

Thou shalt not rent Sleepless In Seattle.

When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be.... it is not appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.

When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see 'nothin'.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his felow partygoers.

You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own ---- weed whacker, car, firstborn child ---- within 12 hours' notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away Scott-free.

It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" PUNISHMENT: Following the assembly instructions for your rugrat's toys for two years.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.(In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed.

Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike item.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.

When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model... and it's free.

When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit).

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight if needed.

The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully."

[Mr.Blaze]

Computers are Like Men...


In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

~~~~~~~~O^O~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computers are Like Women...

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.



~~~~~~~~~~O^O~~~~~~~~~~~~



Things to do While Downloading


Buff your mouse pad
Make a list of things to download
Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
Count to 500 in "click" language
Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!)
Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter

11% DONE!


Name the presidents

Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
Relace your shoes

Read every classified listing for "programmers"
Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball
Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection

23% DONE!


Fill out all your registration cards in triplicate
Alphabetize your diskettes
Alphabetize your CD-ROMs
Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together

32% DONE!


Cut your fingernails
See how many words you can make from "download"
Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings
Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two
Time to windex that monitor again!

42% DONE!


Might as well balance the old checkbook
Practice the "rubber pencil" routine
Weed out the rolodex
Buff the mouse pad -- oops,already did that!
French Braid (optional)

52% DONE!

"This would be a good time to register your software" (done that!)
Re-kid proof the butane lighter
Solitaire
Solitaire round 2
Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time)

65% DONE!

Think of good domain names to pre-buy
Persue the Egghead mailer again

67% DONE!


RE-label file folders in all caps
Penny rolls, Penny rolls, penny rolls
73% DONE!



Color code your extra cables
78% DONE!



Find all celebrities that share your birthdate

83% DONE!

Nerf basketball to 100!

94% DONE!

100 situps

98% DONE!



Get ready.....
Connection Terminated - Start over!

[Uguel707]

Mr. Blaze, I copied many of your jokes to tell my friends...thank you!

from Root...
-{ Quote: "Little off topic, but my favorite joke." }-

Root, you did well by telling it. It made my day! Made me think of a very strong sauce I tasted in a Cameroonian party held at college. Oh boy it was strong! All people were lining for water after tasting it! ;D ;D ;D

Cheers! Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

;D actualy most these from ladys at sos and one of my fave websites the jokes i store in memory are nc 17 jokes and not permited on bords except sos lol those lady have a pervy since of huemor lol

but the ones i post here and there are really my faves


thers lots of great jokes out there and i know many people here got some good ones lol

[Mr.Blaze]

An interesting recipe in "Cook Book: Favorite Recipes From Our Best Cooks",
which is a collection of recipes from the community of Edina, Minnesota. This
recipe was submitted by a youth minister.

Bachelor Salad

1 head lettuce 1 bottle salad dressing
(any kind, not Roquefort)

Wash head of lettuce over sink, pour dressing intact on head of lettuce, eat
over sink; no cleaning, no dishes, no silverware!


~~~~~~~~~~O^O~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Are you a fan of the Original Salad Shooter, but find yourself in need of MORE
POWER?

Do you feel a need to launch tomatoes at neighbors, but can't throw?

NEVER FEAR! The New Salad Shooter 1000x is made just for YOU!

In fact, if you can't get at least a 100 foot range, we guarantee a 100% refund!

The SS 1000x is perfect for going beyond the call of duty! Instead of chopping
vegetable for a salad, it purees it! And shoots it a minimum of 20 yards, on
the lowest power setting no less!

Did your mother tell you not to play with your food? Studies by psychologists
have shown the severe mental trauma this entails. So the SS 1000x is made just
for you!

Neighbor won't return the mower? Lock and load a few tomatoes, and repaint his
house.

Cop writing a ticket? We recommend cantelope!

The possibilities are endless!

Send $19.95 to:

Jason Ferguson Industries
Hubbell Hall rm 321
Commerce, TX 75428-2805

Warning: We do not guarantee delivery. If you want the product, send us money!
Then we decide!

[Uguel707]

A few jokes on virus...


I work for the internal tech support of a company. One day I received an amusing call.


Customer: "I found a bug in my computer."
Tech Support: "How do you know it's really a bug?"
Customer: "I can see it."
Tech Support: "You can physically see a bug in your computer?"
Customer: "Yes."
This was definitely worth a trip to his office. When I got there, I saw an anti-virus warning, which included a graphic of a hand holding a bug. I explained that the anti-virus software had discovered a virus on his system.
Customer: "Well, can you give me another computer so I can let this one rest and recover for a couple of days?"
I cleaned the virus off his system and told him his computer was feeling better now.

.............................................................................................


I received a call from a woman. She had been told in a previous call that her computer was infected by a trojan virus and wanted to know where to begin disinfecting the computer. I asked her what software she was using, but she sounded a little confused. After a few minutes, I learned that she had dismantled her computer and was preparing to wipe everything down with Lysol, a disinfecting cleaner. :o

It took me another minute to compose myself and try to tell her to stop before she ruined her computer. I don't know if she did, as I never heard from her again -- and it took me ten minutes to stop laughing.

...............................................................................................


When the infamous "ILOVEYOU" email virus hit, I saw TV news coverage that included an interview with some bubblebrained company secretary. At one point she said, "Oh, I saw we had dozens of these emails coming in, and of course I was suspicious, but I had to open just one of them because, you know, 'I Love You!' *giggle* I had to just see what it was about, you know?" :-[



-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Uguel :D

[sakharg]

Here's some examples of legal humour: these cross-examinations are taken from actual court transcripts!

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember
his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her
not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and
she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?

Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
sonofabitch - and she did!

Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

[Uguel707]

from Sakhar

-{ Quote: "Here's some examples of legal humour: these cross-examinations are taken from actual court transcripts!" }-

Very good Sakhar! I like them. I haven't got that kinda jokes yet. Sure, there must be funny things at the courthouse... ;D

Bye! Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

:D Uguel707 LOL LOL you have to go rent this movie i busted my a$$ laughing so hard i hadnt laughed that hard since the pingwions lol lol lol

the movie is called how to lose a guy in 10 days lol

god how refreshing it was great

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: " Uguel707 LOL LOL you have to go rent this movie i busted my a$$ laughing so hard i hadnt laughed that hard since the pingwions lol lol lol

the movie is called how to lose a guy in 10 days lol

god how refreshing it was great
" }-

Hi Blaze!

I've already written it down. It sound very funny. Hey! We've got a store where you can rent movies just for 1$
Of course, it's pretty crowded. But not as much during the day. I'll see about it tomorrow. Do you think we got it in Canada? B'cause movies arrive about 2 months after the States...ANW. I,ll check that.
--Blaze, remember the funy story you told me kinda

"Blaze go to Summercamp"

Well, I'm glad I'm not working anymore for that story is stuck in my mind and I can't keep serious for too long...
It's always coming back... ;D ;D ;D
Probably because after reading lots of your posts I could get a very accurate picture of you and your circle and so on and then the whole scenario kept playing and I...
bust laughing! ;D ;D ;D
Sure, I have a very busy year and I'm very tired and I got kinda weak.

Bye my friend!
Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol you think im funny you should talk to lowwater lol he cracks me up

[Mr.Blaze]

;D some one had post this here awhile back and it still cracks me up lol

some one should really make a broacher and send it to your frinds who always complaine about pc stuff and problems lol

Should Your Loved One be Placed in an Assisted Computing Facility

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. Maybe the time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.
What exactly is an "Assisted Computing Facility"?

Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

Who should be in an ACF?


Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal.

You must ask yourself: "How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an e-mail attachment?" "How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?" "How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'" To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story."
Must it be family, or can I place anyone in an ACF?


Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.
How much will it cost?


ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees.

Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen. Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.
How old must I be to have someone committed?


Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou e-mail and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "It came from someone we know."
What should I look for in an ACF?


First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably assisted living. On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill goddamned Gates you know!," this is probably assisted computing.

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving e-mail attachments. And LTPs should never answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."
Can an ACF resident ever get out?


No.
OK, this sounds promising. How can I learn more?


For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Mr.Blaze]

Southern Edition of Windows 2000
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2000, Southern Edition may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: Winders 2000, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.

Please also note:


The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dialup Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"

Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up.
Changes in Terminology in Southern Edition:

OK........................ats aw-right

Cancel....................stopdat

Reset.....................try er agin

Yes.......................yep

No........................noop

Find......................hunt fer it

Go to.....................over yonder

Back......................back yonder

Help......................hep me out here

Stop......................kwitit

Start.....................crank er up

Settings..................settins

Programs..................stuff at duz stuff

Documents.................stuff ah done did
Also note that Southern Edition does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 2000:

Tiperiter.................A word processing program

colerin book..............a graphics program

cyferin mersheen..........calculator

outhouse paper............notepad

iner-net..................Microsoft Explorer 4.0

pichers...................A graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Southern Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A public service announcement, shared with us by Jerry T. Arzdorf. The "T" stands for TechnoGeek.
Computer Chip: Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats." (Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class' study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that they have some downright civil rats.)

CUSTOMER: "My computer crashed!"
TECH SUPPORT: "It crashed?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, and it won't let me play my game."
TECH SUPPORT: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
CUSTOMER: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
TECH SUPPORT: "Huh?"
CUSTOMER: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
TECH SUPPORT: "Click on 'file', then 'New Game.'"
CUSTOMER: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Thomas R. Fasulo, Editor and Supreme Arch Techno-Weenie
I HATE COMPUTERS Newsletter

[Mr.Blaze]

When Not To Re-use Computer Code
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code had caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix - herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the helpless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson: Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

From the June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports. Item taken from Software Testing and Quality Engineering magazine, Volume 1, Issue 6 (November/December 1999)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent in by Daniel Nichols, a software programmer in Gainesville, Florida, who is currently developing battlefield scenarios for the Department of Defense on the capabilities of the U.S. Army's M-1 armadillo main battle tank.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob, not a herd.

A large kangaroo can hop thirty feet at a time.

Kangaroos comes in all sizes because there is more than one species.

A newborn kangaroo weighs about 0.03 ounces and can fit in a teaspoon.

Do you know the names of the mother kanagaroo and her son in the Winnie the Pooh books?

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Thomas R. Fasulo, your 1/2 American and 1/2 Australian Editor who begs his readers not to think that Foster's swill is a typical Australian beer.
I HATE COMPUTERS Newsletter

[Uguel707]

Hi Blazing Son !

-{ Quote: "Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
" }-

Neither the grasshppers... ;D ;D ;D

Where can I get a copy of:
"The Southern Edition of Window 2000"
It seems even more comprehensible than Windows XP?

Bye, Uguel ;)

[Tinribs]

I'm allowed to post this as my best friends are geordies ;)
(for non uk readers Geordies are uk residents from the north of England with a unique accent)

http://www.jardmail.co.uk/attachments/windaz2000.gif

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol lol lol lol lol lmao loooooooooooooollllllll

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "I'm allowed to post this as my best friends are geordies
(for non uk readers Geordies are uk residents from the north of England with a unique accent)" }-

Hi Tinribs!

Saw that Windaz ;D ;D ;D

Uguel

[Jooske]

How about this Dolphin Stress test, after so much LOL LOL LOL ?
http://webpages.charter.net/hkirtley/stress

[Pilli]

Holy cow! What was that dolphin doing in that field with a shark?

[Jooske]

Yeah, the site has some nice things.

[Uguel707]

I saw a dolphin and sorta dinosaur next to it....

I'm maybe wrong ....no wonders they gave me 2 months vacations.

Uguel ;D

[Mr.Blaze]

omg im insaine i saw a cow with dolphine lol lmao

[Uguel707]

Two more tests.

Picture 1: Try to find a dog in this picture
--You have to be very close to the picture...if not it won't work--

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QwDOAoMU37wnaePNcUDTRNE8iN3d4X!LfHdFU4ojfGwoVeCIRH1hoVA0RCIlfBhnQsdZW2hRaethwwYhbf!gEe*Y003XzV*yc4IVe17sVLU/chien.gif?dc=4675429224417555209

...........................................................................................

Picture 2: How many letters can you see?

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QADPAkYTNGx8yUUCNGdw8c!zxkoV5DazVbBRGKBd8apDjoODAuqBkUOZiLdolKGTFpeKtGEN8LkENRfpjub7goIf5uWnjJHBzozPAgBwGhk/ee.gif?dc=4675429224424040610

Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

LOL LOL lmao that really missed with my head as nothing happend i look closer thinking where dogy and wham lol there dogy i jumped back lol

i guess the gif is well timed

[Uguel707]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOl I got you Mr. Blaze! ;D ;D ;D
About the letters did you have a guess...? Some people don't agree too well...I'll have my say later. I don't want to let the cat out of the bag yet...

.............................................................................................

Funny Life Questions:

--What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

--I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. ;D

--Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

--How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? ???

--Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't Zigzag? :o

--If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

--Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

--Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

==Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? :D

--if it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? ???

--on the bottom of boxes why do they put do not turn over? (isnt it a little to late) >:(

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exercise: To Heck With It!
told by sedentary people

At the gym where I work out, the pre- teen class is optimistically dubbed
"Olympic Hopes." The weight-loss program is called "Olympic Hips."


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the heck she is. ;D


The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.


I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.


I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. ;)


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.


I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.


The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. :D


I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. ;D


Bye, Uguel ;D ;D ;D

[Mr.Blaze]

LOL I ONLY SEE LETTER E Hey these are great jokes i like comeing here every morning it healthy to laugh and smile ;D

[Uguel707]

Hi Blaze!

Well, I'l tell you what...

For the letters, there are:

1. The big letter E

2. Then on the other side you'll side the letter "L"
(you must bend your head) ;)

3. Then there are two kinda of "z". But I'm must agree that they aren't perfect.

Hey! I'm going to change "Uguel at Cello" tell me if you like the second best...Bye.

--Go watch her change o.k.?--
I made another gif tonight but it was much simpler...
Uguel

[Uguel707]

It's already done!

I've got riddles now:

1. Your parents have a kid, that child isn't your brother or sister, who is he/she?

2. Two people drives at 60 an hour but the sign shows a max of 50 an hour. Yet, they haven't committed any offence. Why?

3. Is it possible for a man to marry his widow's sister?

--these are tricky question, think twice-- ;)

Uguel

Schnutt! I forgot to put my new ani ;D ;D ;D

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QgDTAugT9ZVtgwq8g9BPo0Q2Ola0nb5Xhiwb1cTbihTKi4nGrT3WCRdXuiWRWH7CxvedQLVme1ER9lbVDTUCYxfHElSDnq3nWDnUfGz0dIU/red1.gif?dc=4675429356450024529

[Dan Perez]

1. a goat

2. travelling at 60 kph, signed limit is 50 mph

3. only if he can come back from the dead :)

cool image :)

[Uguel707]

Godd Evening Dan!

Not bad, not bad. You've got number 2 and 3.
The answer for number one is "yourself".
Don't forget that I said "your parent" that means I was talking to you as a human being ;)
I'm glad you like my last ani for the cello one took me almost one week!--Had to rely one my eyes only!--Whereas the red girl here took me just one hour tonight!

Uguel ;)

[Dan Perez]

-{ Quote: "Don't forget that I said "your parent" that means I was talking to you as a human being" }-

lol, wait a sec., I never said *I* was a goat, it can be the case that my parents are farmers and they have a pet baby goat (i.e. kid). Not the answer you were looking for, perhaps, but it fits the case nonetheless :P

Do you play the cello as well as draw them? :)

The cello is my second favorite orchestral instrument, the first being the oboe :D

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "from Dan:lol, wait a sec., I never said *I* was a goat, it can be the case that my parents are farmers and they have a pet baby goat (i.e. kid). Not the answer you were looking for, perhaps, but it fits the case nonetheless
" }-

Oh sure! ;D ;D ;D

I play the guitar, the flute and a bit of keybard. Mostly guitar.
No , I don't play the cello even if I would like to try. ;) I agree with you it has a nice nostalgic sound. My aunt was boarding musicians, we have every free tickets we want for concerts. We could speak to them everytime I was visiting my cousin.
I don't have specific music studies but a diploma in "Teaching Fine Arts" and then I decided to keep on college for "Teaching English as a Second Language". Twas good for I had many courses credited from the first diploma. Both are useful to me. I don't regret anything. :) But the computer business was quite new for me. First, I learned with books then I decided to come to forums to learn more. I learn from people's topics mostly.

Bye, Uguel


...............................................................................................................

More Riddles and Jokes:

Riddles

1. Philip's uncle's sister isn't her aunt. Who is she?

2. You can take several letters away from me and I won't bother at all.
Who am I?

3. Can you put a bookmark between page 21 and 22 of a book?

4. Which date (date of 4 numbers) is the same when you turn in upside down?

5. How do you obtain twenty just by taking away one?

6. How do you get to 14 with 5 number one?

7. When did Rembrant paint Mona LIsa?

................................................................................................................

Jokes:

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard
over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 feet over
Heli-pad 1."

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at
3000 over that pad!"

There was a brief moment of silence.
First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!"
........................................................................................................................

Just some family thoughts:


1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor
with a glance.

5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have
seen it.

6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!

7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!

8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.

9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!
11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you
for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

12. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb
the fence!

13. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

14. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till
the feeling passes.

....................................................................................................................

The Accident Note

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken
and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending
vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under
the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
_________________

Funny Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score
stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.


2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.


3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100%
record.


4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.


5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all
the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.


6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.


7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which
strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.


8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the
other need to score two to win.


9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.


10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made,
but there were eight.

.......................................................................................................................

A Good Looking Gentleman

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive
restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy,
then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked
pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here
and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown
into the alley like a common bum?"


"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.


"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid
I'll have to trouble you again..."
..........................................................................................................................


A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard
sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a
yard sale."


"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you
found," her friend replied.


"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for
me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
_________________

[Dan Perez]

:D Ah, a fellow guitar enthusiast!!! There's nothing like playing guitar for relaxation! I play almost exclusively acoustic guitar (Neil Young, Pink Floyd, Lemonheads, Rolling Stones as well as my own stuff). I tried learning recorder and keyboards but it didn't stick :-[ I also used to play some classical guitar but I forgot most of it.

Seeya ;)

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "Ah, a fellow guitar enthusiast!!! There's nothing like playing guitar for relaxation! I play almost exclusively acoustic guitar (Neil Young, Pink Floyd, Lemonheads, Rolling Stones as well as my own stuff). I tried learning recorder and keyboards but it didn't stick I also used to play some classical guitar but I forgot most of it.
" }-

Don't worry we never really loose it. It comes back after a couple of days of practice. The worst part of playing guitar is the pain it does to the tip of your fingers. ;) Besides, when you can read the music and know at least twenty chords, it's already good. I have an acoustic guitar and a little classical one. I use to take it when my fingers hurt too much. Especially at fisrt. I like the ones you said and I like Gordon Lightfoot too. "If you can read my mind" Black Days in July" and so on...Keyboard is good for learning the music
but since most of all favourite songs sound better with the guitar, --to me-- I would rather use a guitar. ;)

Bye, twas nice talking to you ;)
Uguel

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "from Dan" }-

-{ Quote: "lol, wait a sec., I never said *I* was a goat, it can be the case that my parents are farmers and they have a pet baby goat (i.e. kid). Not the answer you were looking for, perhaps, but it fits the case nonetheless" }-

Quite right!

After reading the riddle a second time, I realised there are 2 possibilities in the word "kid" . It could be the baby goat as well. So I changed it
for "child". Bye.

Uguel :)

[illukka]

hey
we can start the official wilders band, we already have 2 guitars, i play guitar, drums, bass.. depending on the style of music i could be vocalist too... growling.... don't have any acoustics though.. marshall stacks is the way to go with me....

[Dan Perez]

Hey illuka,

What sort of guitar(s) do you have to go with the Marshalls?

I used to have a vanilla Telecaster with a Roland Jazz Chorus amp (I LOVE Roland Amps!)

Right now I have only acoustic guitars; a Martin "BackPacker" and an Alvarez/Yairi DY-40. I plan on getting a Roland Acoustic Guitar Amp next :)

[illukka]

hi
i have a gibson les paul, with seymour duncan pickups. it's black to silver sunburst.. + a blue custom made esp mirage+ ibanez rs 540
amps, i have marshall super lead+ rocktron proG.A.P + some multieffects, alesis and zoom and a lee jackson poweramp.. loud...

[illukka]

me likes jazz chorus amps too, their chorus is awesome. if only the distortion was as good i'd get one. i had one 20 yars ago but it was used mostly with harmonica....

[Uguel707]

from Illukka

-{ Quote: "hey
we can start the official wilders band, we already have 2 guitars, i play guitar, drums, bass.. depending on the style of music i could be vocalist too... growling.... don't have any acoustics though.. marshall stacks is the way to go with me.... " }-

Wild Illukka! you certainly have great opportunities to start a band. I heard they make special editions of "les Paul". Those guitars were considered as the best ones! Many great singers play with them!

I've got an acoustic "Norman" a limited edition, made in a workshop by instruments makers. Lots of people say it has a great quality song! The sound of it is strong, deep and mild.
I have harmonica but I haven't praticed enough... :(
I'm a little bit better with the guitar and the flute.
I've got a flute "traversière" you know the sort we hold from side to side. Twas a nightmare just to blow in it at first but now I played better. ;)

--I like the sound of bass too-- If case you meant the bass guitar--Don't know if you've ever heard "Papa Was a Rolling stone"? A song from the seventies, the bass in it is just so cool. And not hard for beginners ;)

Uguel

Hey Dan, maybe we should start a music thread? :)

[illukka]

bass guitar yeez i' ve tried the double bass too , but i's lot more difficult to play... no frets...but i love the sound of double bass.. years ago we had a jazz duo..i played git and my friend played bass violin.. strange music indeed was the outcome ...

[crockett]

Hi Uguel707 :)

My guess would be that Phil's Uncle's sister might be his Godmother, that the postman shouldn't care too much if I 'd take some letters from him, that no ordinary book should be able to hold a bookmark between pp 21-22, that the 1961-1691-and 1111 dates should do the trick, that 3+5+7-1 gets us to where we wanted to go, and that Leonardo and Mona would laugh a lot at your puzzles...

Sorry but I'm not sure I understand the phrasing regarding 20 and 1, maybe I can get two zeros by starting with three and then taking one zero away ?!

Anyway, in your posts I can see all the richness, 'peps' and humility I remember about Canada...

How the hell did a musician such as you get into the computer business ?

Rgds, Crockett 8)

[Dan Perez]

whoa, check out the big brain on Crocket! ;D

The grey matter is sloshing along pretty freely there!!! ;)

[Dan Perez]

-{ Quote: " strange music indeed was the outcome ... " }-

illuka,

Have you heard Messiaen's "Quartet for the End of Time"? He composed it while imprisoned in a Nazi POW camp. The only qualified musicians dictated the ensemble of instruments. Piano, clarinet, violin and cello.

[illukka]

i'm not 100% sure but i think i' ve heard it, it was played some years ago at a finnish chamber music festival..
our music was rarely composed in any way.. the only thing that remained was some guitar and bass riffs.. normally it was like he playing a bass riff and me doing solos over it, then i would play the riff and he would play a bass solo... great fun, some people even liked it.. i mean we got payed for doing a gig..

[Uguel707]

Quote from Crockett
-{ Quote: "Hi Uguel707

My guess would be that Phil's Uncle's sister might be his Godmother, that the postman shouldn't care too much if I 'd take some letters from him, that no ordinary book should be able to hold a bookmark between pp 21-22, that the 1961-1691-and 1111 dates should do the trick, that 3+5+7-1 gets us to where we wanted to go, and that Leonardo and Mona would laugh a lot at your puzzles...

Sorry but I'm not sure I understand the phrasing regarding 20 and 1, maybe I can get two zeros by starting with three and then taking one zero away ?!

Anyway, in your posts I can see all the richness, 'peps' and humility I remember about Canada...

How the hell did a musician such as you get into the computer business ?" }-
......................................................................................

Very good Crockett! You've got most of them.
Here are the answers:

1. Philip's uncle's sister isn't her aunt. Who is she?
His mother.

2. You can take several letters away from me and I won't bother at all. Who am I?
The postman.

3. Can you put a bookmark between page 21 and 22 of a book?
Impossible. Have a try!

4. Which date (date of 4 numbers) is the same when you turn in upside down?
1961,1111,and more

5. How do you obtain twenty just by taking away one?
write XIX(19),
Then take out number one, and you get XX (20)

6. How do you get to 14 with 5 number one?
11+1+1+1=14

7. When did Rembrant paint Mona Lisa?

Of course, twas Leonardo!

The trick is to find a simple answer. I must confess that your answer for number1 is not a bad one though. ;)
You were very good Crockett! Just a few people enjoy those questions for most people don't have time enough for riddles. I can understand that.
Uguel musician? ;D

Hey Crocket! Illuka and Dan Perez are certainly musicians...Not me! I'm just an amateur who likes to try a bit of everything! My favourite hobbies are drawing, painting and outdoor sports. The music is for relaxing only. No carreer ahead! ;D But yes, I can teach Fine Arts even if I'm teaching something different now.
Still, I always manage to do table activities with kids.
All kids enjoy Fine Arts. Many adults too. Do You?

from Illuka
-{ Quote: "bass guitar yeez i' ve tried the double bass too , but i's lot more difficult to play... no frets...but i love the sound of double bass.. years ago we had a jazz duo..i played git and my friend played bass violin.. strange music indeed was the outcome ... " }-

Bass has a very special sound, very large and relaxing... :)
We can deal a lot with music. Last summer, there was a concert with very old instruments in our town. There were a
harpsichord, bass viols, very old kind of flutes and oh boy! All of it sounded so nice. You felt you were in the 17th century... We just got transported away for the whole evening. It was difficult to get out from that concert hall and return to the everyday stuff. :(
We would rather stay there longer! Music has a great power! ;)

-{ Quote: "Anyway, in your posts I can see all the richness, 'peps' and humility I remember about Canada...
" }-

Thank you!

In my case, I don't have the choice to be humble. My brother was very gifted not me. Seldom did he study when he was back from school and he always got excellent marks. I had to open my books and study carefully to get good results. :-[
ANW, I guess I like to say the truth. And, and I don't know much about computers but that's ok, I go at my own pace. :)

--Oh Crockett, there are so many nice places to visit in here:

New Brunswick: Nice place and friendly people from North to South.
Ontario, Toronto: I lived there almost a year and love that city. Even if I wasn't used to live in a big city.
New Scottia and Prince Edward Island: the landscapes are so
beautiful. You will see red sand beaches.
Quebec: The National park of La Mauricie. You can go camping
in a very deep forest, see mooses, bears, and hear wolves howling at night. Creepy! Of course you can go simming, canoeing and fishing as well. That's one of my favourite place. You can also see very old lands like tundra. You'd feel colder as you climb up the mountains.There are other provinces that are nice to go, but I haven't visit all of them. And, I don't want my post to be "a touristic brochure!" ;D ;D ;D

Bye, Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a
choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words!"

She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."

[Uguel707]

Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooool! ;D ;D ;D

Well, at least, he didn't take a "baby word"!




..........................................................................................

I've just finished watching the movie you once told about : Mr. Shimdth with Jack Nicholson :'( Think your joke would help me to keep my spirits up! Very good movie but so sad! Thanks

Bye, Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

yeah that was a great movie but the funnyest one i seen is how to lose a man in 10 days.

yeah that one movie you just saw was so good yet so sad

[Uguel707]

from Blaze...

-{ Quote: "yeah that was a great movie but the funnyest one i seen is how to lose a man in 10 days" }-

Well, the store has it but it's always out...Guess lots of people heard about it...I'll get it sooner or later... ;)

computer jokes:
Customer: "My computer won't work. You guys must have broken it when you installed the modem."
Tech Support: "What happens when you turn it on?"
Customer: "It won't turn on anymore!!!!!"
Tech Support: "So you don't see any lights or hear any noise?"
Customer: "I'm telling you it WON'T TURN ON."
Tech Support: "Is it plugged in?
Customer: "OF COURSE it's plugged in, you MORON!"
Tech Support: "When you push the power button it--"
Customer: "Power button? This computer doesn't have a power button."
Tech Support: "Sir, all computers have power buttons. Look at the front of the case, find the word 'power,' and push the button."
Customer: "YOU FIXED IT!! Thanks!!!!"
....................................................................................................

Customer: "I bought this computer from you two hours ago, and it doesn't work! I want my money back!"
Store Clerk: "Let me see..."
So I plugged the computer in and turned it on. I showed him that it was working, then I turned it off.


Store Clerk: "Sir, this computer does work. I'm afraid we can't take it back."
Customer: "How in the world did you turn it on?"
Store Clerk: "I pressed the power switch."
Customer: "You must have pressed something else, because I know for a fact that the power switch doesn't work!"
He reached over and pressed the reset button repeatedly.


Customer: "You see?"
Store Clerk: "Sir, that's the reset button. This is the power switch."
Customer: "That's a switch? I thought it was a decoration!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

customer telephoned us. His PC had been struck by a power surge caused by lightning. We asked him why he didn't switch off the computer when the storm started. He replied, "I was going to, but it said, 'Please wait while Windows shuts down.'"
...................................................................................................


A laptop user complained that, while hooked up to a docking station in the office, his
laptop worked flawlessly, but when he used it at home, it only worked for an hour or so and then died.


Tech Support: "Is it plugged in the mains ok?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Is the mains adaptor light on?"
Customer: "It doesn't have one -- just the cable to connect it to the phone."
Tech Support: "No, that's the modem. You should have another lead with a plug to connect the laptop to the mains power."
Customer: "I don't need one of those, though, do I?"
Tech Support: "You do if you want to work for longer than the batteries will last."
Customer: "Oh. I thought that was what the modem was for -- to download more electricity from the office."
...................................................................................................

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later, she showed up at his door with the power cord.

Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

Actually, I'm a PC user. I just thought this was cute:
BY SOS GIRLS LOL


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

[Jooske]

could this one be fixed please?

[Uguel707]

from Blade

-{ Quote: "yeah that was a great movie but the funnyest one i seen is how to lose a man in 10 days.
" }-

I finally could get that movie. Yes, that was very good. Not only it was funny but the dialogues were excellent too!
Oh boy! that guy "Mathew" was really patient with Andie, the blonde girl. The funniest moment where I had a very good laugh, is when she sent him for soda pops at the best part of the Basket game. He was running like crazy and the little elderly man who served him was so slow...

from Jooske

-{ Quote: "could this one be fixed please? " }-

Well, first, I put off the fire, I cleaned the pc, I changed the glass, then I put water and a fish to make sure that the new glass was watertight. If it doesn't leak after 3 days, I think we might keep it that way. ;D

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QwDVApEUeMEpT!S2rqNqlIdUXcIKXvEbVhLBcQs9rzeFait2LTMjEKGzUh3S0MCQ61*ENEUYDgsK0ja*IxvqGqfYnDd!S3rlatLpKEAzeXg/newpc.gif?dc=4675431127637707028

Bye, Uguel

[Detox]

ooh ooh I got that one beat Jooske ;D

I did this one myself - one of 3-4 victims that fateful winter day.

And yes, we cleaned up the whole mess quite thoroughly when we were done ;)

[Jooske]

True recycling from the computer store huh?
Blub .. blub ..

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dyeah that sending him to get sodah at nicks game was evill lol

hey whos this blade fellow lol?

[Mr.Blaze]

:D

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "Blaze:hey whos this blade fellow lol? " }-

if you ask about "Mathew", Mathew McConaughey plays "Ben" in the movie. Ben is the poor Andie's victim! :o
I've juste learned a moment ago that kate Hudson, "Andie" is Goldie Hawn's daughter. Well, I can see why they look alike...

-{ Quote: "Jooske:True recycling from the computer store huh?
Blub .. blub .. " }-

;D ;D ;D

Uguel

[Uguel707]

"I hope this put a little smile on your face today"


A broad smile... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Uguel

[Jooske]

Still thinking of having another look at the fishy flat screen, to put in front of the pc screen in stead of a screensaver

Nice guy Blazey, is this you practising?

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "Jooske:Still thinking of having another look at the fishy flat screen, to put in front of the pc screen in stead of a screensaver
" }-

Any example? Suggestions? ;)

Bye, Uguel

[Jooske]

Saw it in a local store overhere: form of a computer screen, flat of course, with water bubbles and fishes inside and a light, so an artificial flat aquarium light. I don't have a picture of it.

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "from Jooske:Saw it in a local store overhere: form of a computer screen, flat of course, with water bubbles and fishes inside and a light, so an artificial flat aquarium light. I don't have a picture of it." }-

That could be our homework for this week then... 8)
Allright, I'll see what I can do...

Bye, Uguel

[Uguel707]

from the same picture above...

This screensaver has two purposes:

First, it is entertaining, and second, very important, it warns you is something fishy is going on with the CPU. If your system lacks memory, a fish will be ejected to remind you to do some tidy up...

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RwA4A!EVBx6YJID79lmOBgEThqAPJ!WxAMNy8NQAsME7Ygt8*j3GWpugtS6G2dguYpF7CTC0VffBkzvTRuvIcVh4C5c8Ikeykj3wvQFdnlA/fishback2.gif?dc=4675431286924166520

these can be seen elsewhere in the forum... ;) Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlmao lollllllll lol lolllllllll lol omg wow lol that cool

[Jooske]

Yes, this is exactly how the thing in the shop looks like, although i have not seen fishes ejected from those :)
But a local cat might solve that problem.
press F for fish
press E for eject

[Jooske]

Oh my! that cat used your fishy mouse!
wrong button!

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "This screensaver has two purposes:

First, it is entertaining, and second, very important, it warns you is something fishy is going on with the CPU. If your system lacks memory, a fish will be ejected to remind you to do some tidy up...
" }-

and since I respect every sort of life, even virtual ones, I always keep a fish bowl while doing some tidy up. So they all survive the ejection!

Hey Jooske, what's cooking? is that a real one or is a cyber chicken from a wwwhenhouse?

Uguel :D

[Jooske]

Can but be a cyber chicken inhere.
Can't find my image back fish eats cat. Rather messy with all that water around, computer might not like it :)

[Uguel707]

from Jooske
-{ Quote: "Can't find my image back fish eats cat. Rather messy with all that water around, computer might not like it " }-

That's all right. Sometimes things can be easier to
find when we're not specially looking for them. ;)


Bye, Uguel

[LowWaterMark]

-{ Quote: "...I always keep a fish bowl while doing some tidy up. So they all survive the ejection!" }-

Whew!! I was rather worried about that poor little guy! ;D

[Jooske]

Yes, that ejected fish is swimming around as i guess we found some other thing to waste our time
http://www.mosquitoweb.nl/

Euhmmmmm i do respect every life.....

[Detox]

How do the fish get back in after the memory shortage is fixed? ???

[Jooske]

Jumping if it's a jumpfish,
flying if it's a flyingfish,
not at all if cat was first

[Dan Perez]

Public releases regarding Uguel's screensaver;

-{ Quote: "The Motion Picture Association of America wishes to state that animals *were* harmed in the making of this film!" }-

-{ Quote: "PETA wishes all enlightened animal lovers to protest the cruel use of these fish. We hereby announce a moratorium against the sellers of these screensavers." }-

[krachen]

I've been reading through the jokes. Great. Some I've heard, some I haven't.
"Why do men die first? Because they want to".
Hope you like my addition.

[Uguel707]

Mr Perez,

regarding "The Motion Picture of America", they have, I'm afraid, other fi$h to fry. ;D ;D ;D

from Krachen
-{ Quote: "I've been reading through the jokes. Great. Some I've heard, some I haven't.
"Why do men die first? Because they want to".
Hope you like my addition." }-

Mmmm...'cause they got tired to live with women?

Thanks Krachen, that was nice! ;D

Uguel

[Uguel707]

Detox
-{ Quote: "How do the fish get back in after the memory shortage is fixed? " }-

Well, the same way it came out...
Check the fish above...Quite a mystery,eh?
Only that guy below knows why. ;D

Bye, Uguel

[Detox]

why, that little brat! I demand he will explain to me! >:(

hehe you come up with some good stuff uguel ;-)

[Uguel707]

from Detox
-{ Quote: "why, that little brat! I demand he will explain to me!

hehe you come up with some good stuff uguel ;-) " }-

Thanks Detox!

Why that little "brat"? Well, he is responsible for anything magic that may happen this time...along with Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.

Shhhhhhhhttt! Uguel is a Harry Potter's fan! But don't tell anybody ok? ;D

[Detox]

hehe I just thought those kids were all brats in that movie - if my kid got into that much trouble I'd be mad :P

[Uguel707]

[/i]-{ Quote: "hehe I just thought those kids were all brats in that movie - if my kid got into that much trouble I'd be mad " }-

Be careful. Once they'll see his movies, they'd ask for HP pencils, HP t-shirts, HP pants, HP boxers, HP lunchboxes then a collection of HP cards, HP telling hats, HP round eye-glasses, HP wands not to forget all the HP books and movies and on and on... :P

You' ll get HP after a while....

hyper-pesterized ;D ;D ;D

Uguel

[LowWaterMark]

I was watching a TV special on the world's largest annual candy convention a week or two ago, (on the Food Network), and they said that someone actually had produced and is marketing an Every Flavor Bean just like from HP.

Apparantly, they are selling: :o

http://www.sylvanlaneshoppe.com/WBharry_potter.htm

You can read the flavors for yourself. ;)

[Uguel707]

Hi LowWaterMark!

I've just seen the link you gave. I saw the chocolate frog from book1... :)
Yes, I'm sure they will sell that stuff quite easily. He is so famous now! I've got three H. P books and its well written. She, J.K.Rowling, manages to communicate by involving all our senses : sight, smell, hearing, touch, taste in almost every page. That makes her writing even more attractive. And, lots of kids are fascinated by the world of witches, spells, mysterious buildings...

You can see his homepage is very attractive too!

http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/home.html

[Mr.Blaze]

;D LOL I LIKE WHAT ARE RADIO STATION UP HERE DID A HARRY POTER SPOOF SPIN OFF LOL

Let just say the nimbus 5000 isnt just for flying and them slithering girls are all naughty lol

[Uguel707]

Looooooooooooooooooool !!!!

You are now a "Newbie king"!

Congratulations "Your Highness" !

Now to celebrate your new title, I have here a funny animation video picked recently. Enjoy!

Uguel :D

http://www.ckoi.com/ckoi2/video/grandmamanchien.mpeg

[Uguel707]

Mmmmm, let me know if it works or not 'cause it seems to open randomly...Once it worked after it did not... ???

Uguel

if it doesn't work, I might try stg different...

[Mr.Blaze]

lol lmao for a minute there i thought the girl was you cause she did my smiley toung out sticking thing like my icon lol lmao

lol lmao i busted a gut when doggy took off lol

[Detox]

heehee that's really good ! whee

[Uguel707]

Glad you like it. :) The girl is a coincidence, You're right she's doing the same trick as your avatar. I have many similitudes with her though.
O! that lady in the end with her Great Dane is just so.. ;D

Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

;D

[Mr.Blaze]

need more jokes

[Pieter_Arntz]

OK I went out and "borrowed" something for you:

Oxymorons to Ponder

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

[Mr.Blaze]

;D so true so true

[Uguel707]

More jokes... ;D

CHINESE PROVERBS:

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Virginity like bubble, one ***** , all gone.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who run in front of car get tired.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. :
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three guys walk into a bar and order a round of beers. They raise their glasses and make a toast,"Here's to 59!" After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast,"Here's to 59!" This goes on for a while, and finally the bartender asks the guys what it's all about. "We put together a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle in just 59 days!" says one of the guys. "Is that good?" asks the bartender. "I'll say!" says the guy. "The box said five years and up!"

;D Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol lol lol lol big hug i messed you where have you been also messed fan j

[sakharg]

Okay, here goes.....this will be part of a series........

Lord of the Rings:
The Secret Diary Of Aragorn,
Son Of Arathorn

Day 1

Ringwraiths killed: 4. Very good.

Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles.

Skinned a squirrel and ate it.

Still not King.

Day 4

Stuck on mountain with Hobbits.

Boromir really annoying.

Not King yet.

Day 6

Orcs killed: none. Disappointing.

Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!

Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli.

Holding myself back.

Still not King.

Day 10

Sorry no entries lately. Very dark in Mines of Moria.

Big Balrog.

Not King today either.

Day 11

Orcs killed: 7. Very good.

Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Legolas may be hotter than me.

I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28

Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive.

Have a feeling if I make move, Sam would kill me.

Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.

Still not King.

Day 30

In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay!

But still not King.

Day 32

Orcs killed: none.

Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

Nope, not King.

Day 33

Orcs killed: Countless thousands. Very very good.

Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer.

Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.

Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir.

Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was.

Might, however, have been blood loss.

Day 34

Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.

Why? My God, is everyone in this Fellowship gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.

[Dan Perez]

-{ Quote: "Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. " }-

Too funny Uguel (and quite naughty! :o ) ;) :D

You get a cookie for those (but no milk!) ;D

[Mr.Blaze]

;D You get cookie from me to lol i hadnt laugh so hard it was great lol tell me thers more of those

[sakharg]

I'm sure people have seen these before, but what the heck.........

General Student Bloopers

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medicaldoctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

[Dan Perez]

-{ Quote: ""To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"" }-

Lol! I always thought those deacons had an evil look to them!!

That sounds like something from the Salem witch-trials!

:D

[Uguel707]

quote from Blaze:
-{ Quote: "lol lol lol lol big hug i messed you where have you been also messed fan j

" }-

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RgAiA9MVFhffIG3m7zNmGP8ykLkj*zWzRMFlVTiPcfolJijicVi!*kJl4TVbgUym8R*ABYVFyH66NO!3SctDwG82PdxjSzLt*8a4KhWL2Sc/carousel.gif?dc=4675433186725169639

Uguel was to the forest gone.... :)

Hi Blaze!

It's good to talk to you again. (warm hugs)
Was at "The National Park
of La Mauricie" Quebec, Canada. Twas the perfect place to tell friends about :
"Blaze go to the Summer Camp" ;D
-- And, don't worry we may come and go but most of all come back."

There was a funny thing that happened at the N. Park:

As we were swimming into Wapizagonke lake, just under a bridge, two ladies passed nearby, very proud, heads hanging straight up and then "Bang"! They collided into one of the pylons that was holding the bridge! They was no damage at all! But the situation was so funny, there was plenty of room to pass there, but nay!, they chose to collide right into the Pylon. Moreover, they were not sitting in the right place in the canoe--that made things harder-- and couldn't get freed from their position. They got stuck! So, we swam to their canoe and pushed them ashore. But I understand it wasn't the ladies fault much. They just didn't know how to manage with a canoe and maybe to shy too ask "how" to the canoe renters. ;)
It's good to see some new people posting in here too! ;)
Okay more jokes:

Thick Glasses:

You glasses are so thick you could turn them backwards and tell me what happened yesterday

Your glasses are so thick, I can see what color your eyes are before I see what color your shirt is

Yourglasses are so thick you can look on a map and see people waving...

Descartes


Descartes is sitting in a bar when the bartender comes over to him and says, "Hey buddy, would you like another drink?"

Descartes shakes his head and says, "I think not." and then disappears in a puff of logic.

Babies


Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the
other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said
the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared
beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big
grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's
quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

Computer

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Sedentary 'n Overweight People Jokes:


*My doctor started me on a new exercise program. Now he puts my food on the floor and makes me bend over and pick it up.

*My body is a temple, with ample parking in the rear!


*I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

*I do one sit-up a day. I get up in the morning - that's half. I lay down at night - that's the other half

*Exercise to me Is to eat faster

*I love sea food:
I sea (see) food and I eat it.

Enjoy!

Uguel :)

[Mr.Blaze]

:Dlol i wish i was thee to see that lol

would had been funny

im right now haveing a blast im eating oreo cookies and drinking big glass of milk

while reading these jokes its great id recomend it to all

takes the edge off of life lol

thx for your post i enjoy them

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "lol i wish i was thee to see that lol

would had been funny" }-

You bet it was. Moreover, they were not dressed for it at all!
They were dressed like people who just came out from the office. So, they wouldn't dare coming out the canoe and were too proud to ask anyone for help. But it was a pity to see them spinning round and round. So, instead of offering our help---they would have refused it, anw, too proud they were--- We decided to go and fetch for them. Then after, we showed them how to sit and handle the canoe. They were doing fine after. they were pleased and grateful.

Enjoy your Oreos and milk!

Oh! I've got some more jokes that I'll put here soon...

Bye,
Uguel :)

[Uguel707]

Picked Tonight. ;D LOL
Wacht this out!

"Yo Mama Jokes"

Yo Mama is so old she was the DJ at the Boston Tea Party :

yo mama is so ugly, that her mama had to feed her wit a slingshot!

Yo mama so fat...she sat on a rainbow and it rained lucky charms

yo mamma so fat, she wore highheels and struck oil ;D
-is so ugly, when she was a baby, her incubator had tinted windows
-is so stupid she bought a solar powered flashlight..
-is so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
-braids are so tight she looks like she got stitches.
-teeth are so yellow every time she smiles she spits butter
-is so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
-is so poor she has to take the trash IN!
-is so poor I came over for dinner and saw three beans on the table; I took 1, & she said "Don't be greedy!"
-is so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
-is so fat, she left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops.
-is so fat, she sat on a quarter and got two dimes and a nickel. ;D
-is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
-is so fat, when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight. :P
-is so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
-is so fat, when she puts on her clothes, they beg for mercy.
-is so fat, she couldn't star in Forrest Gump because she kept eating the box of chocolates.
-is so fat, when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun.
-is so fat, when I swerved to avoid her on the road, I ran out of gas.

YOU'RE SO POOR ...

-beggars give you money.
-someone saw you kicking a can down the street, & when asked what they were doing you said, "moving".
-if they had 10 cent boat rides down the river, all you could do is run down the bank hollering "That's real cheap!"
-i walked into your house, stepped on a cigarette and your mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?" ;D
-your parents got married for the rice.
-i saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." she said, "No, I found one."
-someone rang your doorbell and you had to yell "Ding Dong!" out the window.
-when someone asks where the bathroom is, your mom says "pick a corner... any corner."
-you go to KFC and lick other people's fingers.
-you buy an imitation of a fake Rolex.
-burglars bring things to you.
-i walked into your house and stepped on a roach, and your mom yelled out, "Save me the white meat!"


Yo momma is so fat that when she walked outside wearing a red shirt everybody yelled. "KOOL AID, KOOL AID" ;D
yo mama so fat everytime she turn around it her birthday
Yo mama so bad a police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

Yo mama so fat that when she told me her weight i thought it was her phone number.

- Yo mama's armpits are so hairy, that it looks like she got Don King in a headlock...


Ho! Ho! Ho!

Uguel ;D ;D ;D

[Dan Perez]

-{ Quote: "yo mama is so ugly, that her mama had to feed her wit a slingshot! " }-


hee, hee, hee

:D

[Uguel707]

;D ;D ;D

[Uguel707]

LOL, for you guitar player....

Uguel

[Dan Perez]

LOL! Hmmm, I seem to be having some trouble with that high E string, can't get it to sound quite right. :-\ :D

Thank you friend Uguel!

Please enjoy a cookie for your trouble!

Uguel Nibbling Cookies -> http://www.wilderssecurity.com/attachments/overboard_gobbling_cookies.gif

[Uguel707]

But I'm afraid I'll become "The Virtually Fat Yo Mama"

;D ;D ;D

Uguel

[Uguel707]

Miscellanies


A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard
sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a
yard sale."


"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you
found," her friend replied.


"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set." :D

****************************************************

Docter's Writing ???


Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?

The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. ;D

Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.

It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.

And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.

****************************************************

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel.

The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug . . . "AHA!"
he shouts!

Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc shaped plate, with four screws.
He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate
out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?
How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all of these
questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of the
chandelier falling on them!"

****************************************************

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the
paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered
all over it.

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint
streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"


Uguel ;D

[Uguel707]

Blaze go pick some jokes from the net! It's your turn now !




CHINESE PROVERBS
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday, which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish
this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for
t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"


Uguel ;D

[Mr.Blaze]

LOL lol lol i liked that one it was funny yet a clean joke lol

hope you doing well today Uguel707

[Mr.Blaze]

Now Close Your Eyes And...
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my butt on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sent in by Lee W. Kirkpatrick, who believes that most of the world's problems would be solved if our leaders would just sit down with their leaders over 10 or 12 cases of beer.

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." -- Frank Zappa

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." -- Ernest Hemmingway

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." -- Winston Churchill

"He was a wise man who invented beer." -- Plato

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." -- W.C. Fields

"Work is the curse of the drinking class." -- Oscar Wilde

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -- Henny Youngman

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -- Dave Barry

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." -- Humphrey Bogart

"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." -- David Moulton

"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot." -- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." -- Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." -- Dave Barry

"I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." -- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." -- Dean Martin

Thomas R. Fasulo, Editor and Keeper of the Sacred Beer Can Opener

[sakharg]

Entrance Exam for Athletes

Entrance Exam
College Athlete Version
Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

a) build a bridge
b) sail the ocean
c) lead an army or
d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?

a) Jewish
b) Catholic
c) Hindu
d) Polish
e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?

a) Westerners
b) Southerners
c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?

a) Macy's
b) a 7-11
c) Canada
d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?

a) yes
b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium

-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?

a) New York
b) Florida
c) Canada
d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have ?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation.) stand for?

[Mr.Blaze]

;D lolllll thx lmao he he he

[Uguel707]

LooooooooooooooL to both of you!

They make my day!

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -- Henny Youngman ;D

I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan ;D

The "Entrance Exam for Athletes " questions were very good too!
I wonder if they would "pass" that test? ??? ;D

*I'm doing well Blaze, thankx!
Hope you are doing well too ! ;)

Bye!

Uguel

[Uguel707]

Kayak practice video...

splash!

videohere (http://www.safarir.com/voir_video.php?video=kayak.mpeg)


Uguel ;D

[Uguel707]

Just a suggestion for the PC makers...


Uguel :D

[Mr.Blaze]

:D i think you just set woman back 60 years with that joke lol

i dont think are new woman president here in the usa would aprechiate that lol opps did i let that out

[Uguel707]

Hi Blaze!

With due respect to what you said. Generally speaking, no matter how "advanced" society is, the more you're looking good, the better the chance you have to succeed in life. Especially for a girl/woman. No matter "how smart" or "educated" you are, the way you look still matters a lot.
We see it everyday, everywhere. From the office to the schoolyard. That's the reality. :'(

And, ANW, even important women, or very talented
ones, manage to look good in order to be "accepted" ;)

That's the way it is... (long sigh...)

Uguel :)

[Dan Perez]

I finally found something to contribute to the thread... ;)

[Mr.Blaze]

:D Uguel707 i saw this and thought of you lol its you and me danceing lol

will that suck the pic was to big lol

[Mr.Blaze]

8) will that ok i found a picture of you me and fan j guess which one i am

in this picture is me lol

[Uguel707]

Funny pic Dan!

-{ Quote: "will that ok i found a picture of you me and fan j guess which one i am

in this picture is me lol " }-

it's too easy mr. Blaze! :)
Blaze is right there-------------------------------------->

Uguel<------->FanJ

[Dan Perez]

>:( Alright, who went and gave that Mr. Blaze that long knife. He'll poke someone's *eye* out!!!!

;D :D ;D

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: "Alright, who went and gave that Mr. Blaze that long knife. He'll poke someone's *eye* out!!!!" }-

;D ;D ;D

[Dan Perez]

Lol ! No *wonder* Uguel and FanJ look worried! Someone better give Blaze his wooden spoon back! ;)

[LowWaterMark]

OMG, that does look just like Uguel, Jan and Blaze!! :o

[Uguel707]

Has anyone seen mr. Blaze?

We went at the aquarium park yesterday and I lost him when walking by the pool... ???

[Dan Perez]

Lol ;D ;D ;D

It's a good thing you didn't lead him to the shark exhibit first!!

[Uguel707]

No worries!

Blaze has already taken his sword with him.
Just check what happened to one of the fish in there!

Oh I think I can see Blaze dancing ?

Am I hallucinating things? ???

[Dan Perez]

heh, heh, well Blaze with a sword huh?, then my pity is all for the poor vicious sharks!!! ;D


Hmmm, also, I notice that the ShamuCam here at Sea World is not working now. Blaze did you have an "accident" over there too? >:(

http://www.shamu.com/Html/ShamuCam.html

;D

[Uguel707]

Since mr. Blaze seems very difficult too find, ::)

Here' s how he looked before I lost him...
Then look carefully...
You'll find him!


Uguel

[Dan Perez]

Loooooooooolllll !!!

You should create a Lost Poster for him :) :) :)

[LowWaterMark]

Where's Waldo?! :D

Found him, though I had to turn my monitor's brightness way up. Wow, it's a whole new world... Never realized how bright things could be. ;)

[Uguel707]

LooooooooooooL! LowWaterMark found him!

See how things get clearer jut by turning on the lights!

Uguel ;D

[Marianna]

hmm......... I guess, I have seen him this morning.......

http://members.shaw.ca/schmudlach/oldnosex.gif

[Uguel707]

HO! HO! HO! ;D ;D ;D

Nice pic Marianna!


Now I understand why he disappeared!...

Uguel

[Marianna]

http://members.shaw.ca/schmudlach/rofl.gif

I like the picture too http://members.shaw.ca/schmudlach/knipoog.gif

[puff-m-d]

Hmmmm.... If Blaze jus had his wooden spoon in the other hand.....

[Mr.Blaze]

lol i was watching comedy roast on tv it was good lol

hi guys im around lol just been real busy doing stuff around the house filling out job applications and driveing

"all look out get off the side walksblind man comeing threw lol"

so far i tore apart two cat pins clean out two dog pins on a 1,2 acres land cleatred brush destroy stuff weed wack the property

the list go on and on lol

i barely had time to come here and even worst i hadnt got my daily dose of porn sucks

hmmmmmmm no one seems to be calling me for a job

thats ok plenty of stuff to do here and also if i get super bored i can work with my dad

i missed you all even if i only been gone for almost 1 whole day lol

[Uguel707]

Howdy?

-{ Quote: "hi guys im around lol just been real busy doing stuff around the house filling out job applications and driveing
" }-

wish you well on this!

Bye!

Uguel :)

[Jooske]

Blaze tech job? (just seeing in the other thread you got an invitatioon for a job interview so don't show them this repair job here)

[Uguel707]

from Jooske
-{ Quote: "Can't find my image back fish eats cat." }-

I've never come upon that one yet but found that one I put below ;)

Life Truths

these aren't the newest of all but I like them:

1. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

2. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

3. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

4. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

5. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

7. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

8. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

9. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

10. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

11. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

12. If the shoe fits...buy it in every color.

13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

19. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

Uguel :)

[Dan Perez]

-{ Quote: "I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." }-

Loooooooooooooooooooooooool !

But why *do* you *persist* in being cruel to fish?!

;D ;D ;D

[Uguel707]

Don't worry Dan!
They'd never die! ;)
They are all stored in my pc...
you may see them coming back!




Uguel :)

[Pieter_Arntz]

Had to look twice, but then almost had a "little accident" ;D

http://www.mslinux.org/

[Dan Perez]

Loooooooooool !!!

That *is* rich! ;D

Love the "topical" quotes there!

;D

[Mr.Blaze]

:DUguel707 you around hmmm maybe i should tell more jokes and she wil come back

[Uguel707]

Jokes? has somebody said jokes? Yes, those might help to keep me around but, on the other hand, I'm accumulating lots of material for jokes from my work in the classroom. And I am the target of most of them, but I can be pretty impish with the kids in return!
It's all in good fun though...


Uguel ;D

[Uguel707]

Some jokes picked recently...

Yo Mama Jokes:


Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

**********************************************
Computer Jokes
A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars!

**********************************************

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.

7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.

8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).

9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

**********************************************

Cheers!

Uguel

[Dan Perez]

-{ Quote: "Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th" }-

Looooool ! ;D ;D ;D


Okay!!

Here is a (non-Wilders!) Request Form for computer support;

************************************

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
________________________________
________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem
accurately:
________________________________
________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause
of the problem:
________________________________
________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor __
B. Minor __
C. Minor __
D. Trivial __

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up __
B. Frozen __
C. Hung __
D. Strange Smell __

6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes __
No __

7. Is it turned on?
Yes __
No __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes __
No __

9. Have you made it worse?
Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who knows
all about computers. Try to fix it
for you?

Yes __ No __

11. Did they make it even worse?

Yes __

12. Have you read the manual?

Yes __ No __

13. Are you sure you've read the manual?

Maybe __ No __

14. Are you absolutely you've
read the manual?

No __

15. If you read the manual, do you think
you understood it?

Yes __ No __

16. If Yes, then explain why you can't
fix the problem yourself.

________________________________
________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer
at the time the problem occurred?

________________________________
________________________________

l8. If you answered nothing, then explain
why you were logged in?
________________________________
________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining
the problem?

Yes __ No __

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink
12:00?

Yes __ What's a VCR? __

21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies?

Yes __ No __

22. Do you have any independent witnesses
to the problem?

Yes __ No __

23. Do you have any electronics products
that DO work?

Yes __ No __

24. Is there anyone else you could blame
this problem on?

Yes __ No __

25. Have you given the machine a good whack
on the top?

Yes __ No __

26. Is the machine on fire?

Yes __ Not Yet __

27. Can you do something else instead of
bothering me?

Yes __

[Uguel707]

Sure, those questions are very helpful ... ::)

Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

;DWERE YOU THINKING OF ME WHEN YOU MADETHAT QUIZ UP ABOUT PC LOL

[Dan Perez]

Looooool ! :D

I got it from Gateway's award-winning Customer Service site

;D ;D ;D

[Dan Perez]

Child-rearing in the Computer Age ;D

[Uguel707]

If only life could be like a computer

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.


Uguel :D

[Uguel707]

Here is revealed the often-times hidden internal battle of the software in your PC! ;D



http://www.pconline.com.cn/pcedu/carton/xp/10212/other/iconstory.swf


Uguel

[Dan Perez]

I like the icon battle, Uguel!! ;)


Here is another joke...


Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support


* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

* "So -- what are you wearing?"

* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

;D

[Peaches4U]

http://www.davidburt.co.uk/Images/TheBug.gif

[Peaches4U]

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

* * * * *
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
* * * * *
I once received a FAX with a note on the bottom, asking me to FAX the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

* * * * *
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

* * * * *
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

* * * * *
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

* * * * *
Tech Support: "All right...now, double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows: because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term, sir. I don't believe it was meant to ..."
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you double-click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click-click]
* * * * *

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

* * * * *
Tech Support: "OK, Sir, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
"Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Sir."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Sir."
Customer: "I am not going to do that!"

* * * * *
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man explained that he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer *still* couldn't find it!

* * * * *
Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software OK, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"

* * * * *
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong..
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in, it turned out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I've brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office ... Did I do something wrong?"

* * * * *
This guy called in to complain that he got an "Access Denied" message every time he tried to log in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "O.K., let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

* * * * *
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

* * * * *
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about
15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

[Uguel707]

Very good to both of you! ;D
Now let's see the economists at work...

Move the mouse around... ;)


http://www.foulds2000.freeserve.co.uk/economists.htm


Uguel :)

[Peaches4U]

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the night
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.


Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd land in jail for a while.


Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And backup happened to your commode.


Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they WISH they were dead

[Dan Perez]

Lol! Very good Peaches and Uguel!

Here Uguel is one for you ;)

[Uguel707]

That new Mona Lisa of yours shows lots of promise! ;D


One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!


********************************************


My computer made a funny sound the other day.
Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.


********************************************

Computer game

I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."


********************************************



Uguel

[Dan Perez]

-{ Quote: "I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."" }-

;D ;D ;D

The Game

A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.

Now, it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Programmer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.

:D

[Uguel707]

10 Email Commandments

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.



Uguel 8)

[Dan Perez]

;)

Conversations with Technical Support

1 Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

2 Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

3 Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

4 Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

5 Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

6 Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

7 Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
Customer: "the top one."

8 Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

9 Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

10 Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

;D

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: " quoting: Dan Perez link=board=27;threadid=10584;start=195#msg107338 date=1070676275]
;)

Conversations with Technical Support


5 Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"


7 Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
Customer: "the top one."

8 Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

9 Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

10 Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

;D
" }-

;D ;D ;D

Top ten signs you bought a bad computer

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

**************************

A List of Funny Computer Terms


Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.


Uguel 8)

[LowWaterMark]

-{ Quote: " quoting: Dan Perez link=board=27;threadid=10584;start=195#msg107338 date=1070676275]10 Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." " }-

Hey wait a second. All mine are capitals, too!

;D

[Peaches4U]

An actual dialogue of a former Customer Care Support employee..........

"Ridge Hall Computer Assistance, may I help you?
"Yes, well I'm having trouble with WordPerfect"
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away".
"Went away?"
"Yes, they disappeared".
"Hmmmm, So what does your screen look like now?"
"NOthing"
"Nothing??"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with a screen that looks like a TV."
Look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great, follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"Does the monitor have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach".
"Uh, huh, well, can you see if it is?"
"No"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark???"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there is a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in>"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good, Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." ;D

[Prince_Serendip]

;) Note: I think this thread is getting too big. My browser keeps slipping back a page or two when I click on something. Opera 7.23 btw.

I found a huge site full of realtime jokes encountered by various Tech Support people: Computer Stupidities (http://rinkworks.com/stupid/).

Here's are some small samples:

* Customer: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under warranty."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the trouble with it?"
Customer: "My wife got mad and threw it in the pool."


* A man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot up. He brought it in, and I discovered that sixteen nicely drilled holes were in the bottom of the case. I asked him about it, and he said the machine was too hot sitting on his lap, so he had drilled these "air holes."

"Could that be the problem?" he asked.


*Customer: "Can it damage a mouse to be thrown at a wall?"

Lot's of side-splitters here! LOL

[Prince_Serendip]

:) I had to find a way to stay awake last night (I work nights but have been on vacation) so I sat and read that Computer Stupidities site. It took a few hours to savor a third of the site's material. Some of it goes back to the days of DOS or when Win95/98 was still new.

It helped me to realize that I am indeed very fortunate to know the people at Wilders and some other boards, people who actually do have a clue about how their systems and programs actually work. People of intelligence and wit!

I have encountered people who are like the ones that the Tech Support illustrate. I met a woman once who was all excited because she had just gotten a brand new PC. I asked her what kind was it? She said it was black and silver. LOL I tried again. I asked her what kind of TV she had ie Zenith, Hitachi, Sony and she answered right away. Okaaay. I then asked her again what kind of PC? She said it was a "Compact." I corrected with "Compaq," but she insisted it was "compact" and gave me a querulous look. So then I asked if it was a laptop and she looked insulted. I gave up at that point. "Nevermind." LOL

I thank my lucky stars that I know all of you! ;)

[Uguel707]

-{ Quote: " quoting: Prince_Serendip link=board=27;threadid=10584;start=210#msg107629 date=1070770848]

>snip

.....I sat and read that Computer Stupidities site. It took a few hours to savor a third of the site's material. Some of it goes back to the days of DOS or when Win95/98 was still new.

It helped me to realize that I am indeed very fortunate to know the people at Wilders and some other boards,

>snip
I have encountered people who are like the ones that the Tech Support illustrate. I met a woman once who was all excited because she had just gotten a brand new PC. I asked her what kind was it? She said it was black and silver. LOL I tried again. I asked her what kind of TV she had ie Zenith, Hitachi, Sony and she answered right away. Okaaay. I then asked her again what kind of PC? She said it was a "Compact." I corrected with "Compaq," but she insisted it was "compact" and gave me a querulous look. So then I asked if it was a laptop and she looked insulted. I gave up at that point. "Nevermind." LOL

I thank my lucky stars that I know all of you! ;)
" }-

Looooooooool! I can understand well! I experienced stg similar!!! :D
in a office-supply store here. They sell pencils and pens mainly but also a few software products though they don't know much about them. So I went there to buy "Paint Shop Pro 7" in the hope that they might have it.

It went something like this ;):

True story:

Me: Have you got "Paint Shop Pro 7"

Seller(very puzzled): What's that?

Me: It's a software to create pictures

Seller(with mocking smile): " Oh! You want to create pictures?You don't have to! We have two kind of software products with pictures already in it. See this one for instance: "Babette at The Garden". Not only does it have pictures but it's also a game. See, (laughing) you don't have to create pictures. :P

Me (looking at the software box) But this is a game for children! ???

Seller: WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? you don't have "to do" any pictures, they are INCLUDED IN IT! And moreover, you get a game with it!

Me: I'm afraid that's not what I want! :-\

Seller(turning to other sellers): Does anyone know about "Paint Shop Pro". All of them answer: No! What's that? One of them said: We sell pencils, sharperners, papers but nothing to paint your house with here. You might try going to a paint store instead. :o

Me: Thank you, Bye! :'(

I went to all stores I could. Only one knew of Paint Shop and said that I might find it in Montreal only.

Finally I ordered it online.

**************************************************************

Oh! about the that site you mention here
"Computer Stupidities", I should mention that most of the jokes I put,
from page 1 to 5 of this thread, come from that site! ;)

My favourite one(see page one)

Me: "What operating system are you running?"
Student: "Hunh?"
Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?"
Student: "Um, I don't know."
Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?"
Student: "It's yellow."
Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?"
Student: "What's that?"
Me: "The big grey box."
Student: "It doesn't say anything."
Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?"
Student: "Monitor?"
Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box."
Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button."
Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?"
Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?"



Uguel ;D ;D ;D

[Dan Perez]

-{ Quote: "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? you don't have "to do" any pictures, they are INCLUDED IN IT! And moreover, you get a game with it!" }-

Loooool!! ;D ;D ;D

[Dan Perez]

Buying Car Like Computer


General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers --but imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"

HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed."

HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"

HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"