Jokes told from the computer store

[Uguel707]

Here are some computers jokes I've picked recently. Some of them could have happened to a newby like me... :-\
Most computer users understand that you need an operating system to use a computer practically, even if it is not clear why. But many users don't.

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Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?"
Customer: "A computer."

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Customer: "I don't use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?"

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Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

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Customer: (angrily) "You said I would get 98 windows with this computer. Where are they?"

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A customer called in with modem problems.

Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed."
Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?"
Me: "Make sure all windows are closed."
Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here."
Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last year, the temp agency I was working for was arranging a contract for me, and some additional "computer skills" tests were necessary. The branch manager asked what kind of computer I was comfortable with. I said, "Windows PC," although I had used several others. She cut in right then and asked, "Word or Excel?"

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Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?"

Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?"
Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?"

Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you ust sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?"
Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on."
Tech Support: "And then what happens?"
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part."
Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried."
Tech Support: "And that is what?"
Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?"
Customer: "A bunch of little pictures."
Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'."
Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it."
Tech Support: "You mean an apple?"
Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."
Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac.

Even after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I never could convince him.


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Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

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Have a nice day! --if you do have jokes, I'll be happy to read yours...-- ;) Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

:o That not funny you posting my conversation with you for tech support.

I didnt think you hang at wilders mr or ms gate way tech support >:(

[Tinribs]

:D I love reading those tech support funnies!

[Jooske]

These are nice, thanks!
there is more fun stuff in the computer area overhere
http://diamondcs.com.au/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=418

[Uguel707]

Hi folks!

{QUOTE-> That not funny you posting my conversation with you for tech support.
<-QUOTE}

;D ;D ;D Blaze, Wait till I tell about my misfortunes with Symantec bulldog...You won't believe it.

{QUOTE-> I love reading those tech support funnies! <-QUOTE}

Thank you tinribs! :)

{QUOTE-> These are nice, thanks!
there is more fun stuff in the computer area overhere
http://diamondcs.com.au/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=418 <-QUOTE}

Thanks a lot Jookse ! I'll certainly enjoy reading those, I'll see your link after work for I'll have plenty of time to read them. :D

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RgADX!oVBRxTkmpUwu!0A!bCUnNsh*GvD7NRgLlDH*VntwKtgBDFtoOtVODBCiLFWL9xtu3P2iOUX*WB5uYH6YWv28G3VWcnukPVIOCLkN0/computer.gif?dc=4675426260683410556

Bye everyone! Uguel

[Tinribs]

I enjoyed this thread so much I shall award a juicy, fruit filled karma cookie to Uguel!

[Uguel707]

{QUOTE-> I enjoyed this thread so much I shall award a juicy, fruit filled karma cookie to Uguel! <-QUOTE}

Thank you very much! I'm glad you like them because I learn a lot from you guys when reading your posts. I don't know as much as you do. So, I "post" the best I can do. ;)

This is "my" story:

It took time before I could convince my circle that I really need a computer. At first, they all objected to me , my brother told me not to and that I may turn fat and lazy as well:

" You won't enjoy sports anymore...your may get as large as a public employee chair...and anyway Internet is plenty of virus"

One friend said:

" No, I assure you: it's a virtual crooked world who relies on people naivety to make profit. They'll get you in no time"

Another one told me:

" I had it in the past and didn't like internet. In fact, I hated it!"

"Why?"

"Because I never found how to get connected to Internet"

So, I was really alone on my side when I decided to get a new computer. Had a hard time getting connected at first, but after 2 days everything was fine. One day friends came to my house to pay me a visit. As I was talking with them in the living room I decided to go into my student room and make sure that my computer "was still there". I couldn't believe I had that wonderful machine...Without paying attention to my guests, I decided to turn it on and went to a hip music site which had the latest hits on line. Of course, all friends realized that I was more interested by the " new machine" than by them...Not long after, I got to the site, I launched Window Media Player started listening to the music....then Norton's antivirus window popped up saying that someone was reading my files....So, I wait a little bit then I saw a mad bulldog head showing and looking at me angrily.

" I'm done" Said I.

"THAT BULLDOG IS A REAL BIG VIRUS!" It useless to say how much I was panicking. "It's my first virus and I CAUGHT THE BIGGEST ONE IN THE WORLD" Was I thinking.

I shut down the PC with all windows open, hurtled down the stairs four at a time. I almost swallowed a full beer when I came down in the living room. All people were staring at me. They knew that I didn't use to be a fast drinker...

"What's ailing you ...?"

"Oh! Nothing"

--it wouldn't had been a good thing telling them the truth for they were all ready to raise hell about the PC matter...--

Since they could see that I was as white as a ghost they didn't believe me. They left no long after for I was sitting agape.

It took me 2 days before I had courage enough to re-open my computer. I decided not to panick that time... and read the whole thing carefully and then I realized that that dog called "Symantec" was working for Norton and wasn't a virus at all but likely an assistant. I scanned the whole disc and not a virus was to be found. Heard after that many TV and radio stations may scan their content for management purpose and AV don't like that...

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RwDXAvUU1fZPfw!VPH7LlLnoDUw*OC6g79E266bVbVHQTMD3c75C2Em7QUKpgBkiDiuTG6yzoEcajKE0XDfNmw5R6esGFlZPUQURdO*qbp0/dog07.gif?dc=4675427413018343208

Uguel

[Uguel707]

Hi!

All right! I went to you page Jooske and it was a funny thread. My favourite were Dave Barry's joke and of course, the helicopter one. ;D ;D ;D

Thanks! Uguel

[Uguel707]

More computers jokes...

from me...

Once I was working in a Word document. My old aunt came in...

"What's that?"

"Umm?...OH!..."that" is Word"

" THAT IS BOOORING.....!!!
Can't you turn it to Oprah instead?"

..........................................................................................

Me: "What operating system are you running?"
Student: "Hunh?"
Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?"
Student: "Um, I don't know."
Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?"
Student: "It's yellow."
Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?"
Student: "What's that?"
Me: "The big grey box."
Student: "It doesn't say anything."
Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?"
Student: "Monitor?"
Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box."
Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button."
Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?"
Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?"

..........................................................................................

I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something funny so I started listening their conversation:


Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?"
Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there."
Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?"
Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages."
Woman 1: "Why?"
Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin."


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I was asked to fix Word Perfect once, when it had apparently "just quit working." They didn't know why, but it didn't take long for me to find the problem. They had cleaned up their hard drive by erasing all binary files because "they weren't readable."



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Me: "You really should exit Windows before you shut down."
Friend: "Why?"
Me: "Well, otherwise you could end up with fragmented files and hard drive errors and that sort of thing."
Friend: "Oh well. Who cares about hard drive errors?"

......................................................................................

;D Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

i offichialy declare this the huemor thread blaze take bottle of champaighen and smashs algaints thred.

there cresind

For the Guy's!

100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be A Guy

1.there is no #1 reason, and that's okay
2.Movie nudity is virtually always female
3.Child birth
4.A five day vacation requires only one suitcase
5.Monday Night Football
6.Belching is cool
7.Your bathroom lines are always 80% shorter
8.You can open all your own jars
9.Old friends don't give a crap if you've lost or gained weight
10.Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind
11.Screw up the laundry once, never allowed to do it again
12.Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
13.All your orgasms are real
14.Those chairs by the waiting room at lingerie shops are for you
15.Guys in hockey masks don't attack you
16.You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
17.You can still get away with MAKING a Valentine's day card
18.You can go to the bathroom without a support group
19.Your last name stays put
20.You can understand Homer Simpson
21.You never get a stupid Love Quiz in GQ
22.You can kill your own food
23.The garage is all yours
24.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
25.Big Breasted Stripper days on Jerry Springer
26.We're treated like royalty when we're sick
27.You never have to clean the toilet
28.You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
29.Sex means never worrying about your reputation
30.Wedding plans take care of themselves
31.If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she is still your friend
32.Your underwear is $10 for a three pack
33.The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34.None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
35.You don't have to shave below the neck
36.Scratching your ass is just fine
37.If you're 34 and single nobody notices
38.You can write your name in snow
39.Beer is a food group
40.Everything on your face stays its original colour
41.Chocolate is just another snack
42.You can be president
43.Going to the gym to look at the aerobic girls is called 'working out'
44.Flowers fix everything
45.You never have to worry about other people's feelings
46.You get to think about sex 90% of the day
47.You can wear a white shirt to a water park
48.Three pairs of shoes are enough
49.You can eat a banana in a hardware store
50.A 'mood swing' is a place, with a swing, where you get sex.
51.Foreplay is optional
52.Falling asleep right after sex
53.Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk into the room
54.You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
55.Middle aged, big gut? No problem, it's expected.
56.Underwear lasts longer than most marriages
57.Car mechanics tell the truth
58.The belly button is a fantastic place to store corn chip crumbs
59.You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without thinking: He must be mad at me
60.The world is your urinal
61.Wake up, shower, eat, brush your teeth, leave... max 15 minutes.
62.You get to jump up and slap stuff
63.Hotwax never comes near your pubic area
64.One mood, all the time
65.Your virginity is never 'taken' away. You'd gladly give it to anyone that asks.
66.Father-in-laws are sweet older men. Mother-in-laws are nasty old bitches.
67.You know at least twenty ways to open a beer bottle
68.You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing
69.Same work...more pay
70.Gray hair and wrinkles add character
71.You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment
72.It's OK to marry a girl much younger than you if you have money
73.It's OK to cop a free feel when you cuddle.
74.With 400 million sperms per shot you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory
75.You never have to wear high heels.
76.Sometimes women will fight over you, and you get to watch
77.The remote is yours and yours alone
78.People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
79.People never complain about men drivers
80.Drinking till you pass out is occasionally OK
81.Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers
82.You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mom
83.Breast augmentation on your wife is a gift to both of you
84.You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom
85.If you don't call your buddy when you say you will,he won't tell your friends you've changed
86.Someday you'll be a dirty old man, and you're looking forward to it.
87.You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*** it!"
88.If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you might become lifelong buddies
89.Dad always let you stay out late while your sister had to be in before midnight
90.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
91.You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
92.You're expected to stink if you work out
93.If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
94.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
95.If someone bothers you, you just don't talk to them and problem solved.
96.Telephone company commercials don't make you cry
97.Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them
98.Girls play barbie. You had GI Joe
99.Baywatch
100.There is always a game on somewhere

[Mr.Blaze]

for woman



> Men are like..........

>Men are like ......... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of
>you.
>
>Men are like ......... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm
>they are.
>
>Men are like ......... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long
>enough.
>
>Men are like ......... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change
>them.
>
>Men are like ......... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not
>quite sure why.
>
>Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they
>usually head right for your hips.
>
>Men are like ......... Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, &
>can keep you up all night long.
>
>Men are like ......... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they
>say.
>
>Men are like ......... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always
>1/2 off.
>
>Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take sooooooo long
>to mature.
>
>Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign
>of emotion.
>
>Men are like ......... Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a
>little while.
>
>Men are like ......... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're
>coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
>
>Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very
>bright.
>
>Men are like ......... Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are
>taken, the rest are handicapped

[Dan Perez]

:D

In return for this feast of humour, karma cookies go to both Blaze and Uguel!

Uguel, you are just hauling them in!

:)

[Jooske]

Blazy you forgot one important one (see? it was not written by a woman!)
>Men are like ......... Onions ...... You need them but they make you cry.

[Uguel707]

Blaze, had a great fun reading your post. Thank you!

This is true that most women make such a fuss to please everyone...most of women don't like the way they look and so on...The day a woman realizes that she doesn't have to please everyone to be happy but just being herself, that would be a great leap upwards. I remember a friend of mine who refuses to smile not to get wrinkles on her face. I did stupid things too to please others b'cause that's the way many women are--wish to say "were"-- still brought up today.
The best thing is "to be ourself ". But it's difficult. Society doesn't help much, in tv programs, magazines, shows...a woman has to be perfect in every way ...Would she get more mercy for that? Nay....Maybe "wow you look nice today!" But no guarantee of consistent happiness may follow after...just a shallow "Oh wow" and that's it!

OH WHILE TAPING THIS...I REALIZE THAT MY NAILS AREN'T DONE! QUICK! BETTER SHUT THIC PC BEFORE ONE COULD NOTICE! ;D ;D ;D
But it would be unfair not to mention some guys I know who spend many hours in a gym to look kinda Arnold...
They drink protein, creatin, whey powders...when they talk to you they don't care what you telling them for all they care is making all kind of stances to show their big muscles at their best... :P
http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0WADUAlkd3mgzCzNUojwxE7!F!DTLtRXGOv4EwLEdiCtdueM6w4yYWWnHsQ8gnnoEa9fZKAZVbheWMhcaXTVHkX4dgVYHG9DUpb7QJfZExp3WoDHGDy0aWDzPU2M3nSAlMgAAAP****8/bodybuilder_pullups_md_wht.gif?dc=4675427967197644130
To me, a happy face is worth any kind of make up. Of course, if one is really "broken" he can work it out...
Also mr. Blaze, I want to grab the occasion to tell you that your posts are entertaining, lively all the way! ;)

[Uguel707]

Oh! I forgot to say that I've just commented :
100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be A Guy

I'll comment the next one later...It's a "woman prerogative"
Ah!AH! AH! ;D
Ups! No more laughing. I may get those nasty wrinkles around my mouth :-\Better stay serious...

Oh thank you mr. Perez for the cookie...that's real nice from you...
Wish it's a low-calorie one! ;D ;D ;D

Bye, Uguel

[JimIT]

Funny stuff! :)

[Mr.Blaze]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[Uguel707]

Why It's great To Be A woman


1.We don't have to spend a fortune for a car to impress friends.

2.We can express our emotions, we don't get ulcers.

3.Our car last longer than men.

4.We don't have to drive fast to feel like a hero-sandwich.

5.We can put a pretty hat on when having a bad hair day.

6.We don't have to shave everyday.

7.Seldom do we perspire or sweat. We always smell good.

8.We can put 25 pieces of lingerie in the same drawer.
Long john and boxer shorts take too much room.

9.Women are more agile than men.

10.We don't need any back-scratcher.

11.When looking good we can say silly things and all men would approve.

12. If we don't have to spend a fortune for a car...

13. (it's b'cause) They own expensive car and give us rides.

14. Our male friends don't get angry if we forget their anniversaries.

15. We can wear clothes of all colours.

16. We don't have to wear choking ties.

17. Short women can wear high pumps. Short men stay short.

18. We don't complaint when getting ill for we can read interesting magazines in bed.

19. We can let our hair grow as long as we want.

20. We don't have to do silly things to impress friends.

21. We don't have to swear to show our anger.

22. If we don't fight or go to war, nobody tells you
you're a coward.

23. We can pamper ourselves as much as we want.

24. We can change our look as much as we want.

25. And if there is something we cannot do, we would ask a man to do it for us.. ;D ;D ;D

Of course, there are more reason...but if I tell all of them we may loose power and certain privileges. ;)

Uguel

[Jooske]

And reason
3061: Chocolate is GOOD for women!

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol lol lol

[Mr.Blaze]

Blaze Goes To Summer Camp :D


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Paul Wilder:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn ???. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Blaze. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we :) :)sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni :D). Blaze would have none of it. Blaze 8) pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down >:( ??? right there, if only we had known. He left six weeks ago __-__-_------_--:D. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.

These are some of my little Blazey's letters.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

The kids are dorky nerds here at wilders. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Love, Blaze.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.

Love, Blaze.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell-checked too with ie spell my frind fan j helped me.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan because we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. The wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.

Love, Blaze.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Low water mark says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Blaze.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. fan j did it in five, he's going to show me how. Fan j is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Blaze anymore. So, I'm not.

Signed, William.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.

Regards, William.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely, William.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr. Paul Wilder's? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Blaze. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates, Concerned Parent



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Paul wilder inadequately replied: Come on, Sally, boys will be boys.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

blazes twisted verstion of an already exsiting joke lol

[Mr.Blaze]

If Operating Systems Were Beers...
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like the Mac Beer can. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like the Mac Beer can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
(IHC Editor's Note #1: This review was written before Windows 95 beer was available nationally.)
(IHC Editor's Note #2: The MicroBrewer that markets Windows 95 Beer recently recommended that you only drink it at home or at a small business. Larger businesses should let their employees consume Windows NT beer only.)


Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like the Windows 3.1 Beer can, but the company promises to change the can to look just like the Windows 95 Beer can - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
(IHC Editor's Note: The MicroBrewer that produces the Windows 3.1 and Windows NT beers recently announced the cans will not look the same after all.)


Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but its recipe was picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that it is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

[Mr.Blaze]

Microsoft Anti Trust...
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.

"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it.

Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."

"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish."

"Check."

"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

"No."

"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."

"It did."

"Pardon?"

"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."

"Go away," I said.

"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding," I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL."

"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."

"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"Windows 95....For Pets?"

"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

[Dan Perez]

heh, heh

Very good everyone, especially Blaze who gets a cookie.

I think that Blaze currently has the edge in this latest Wilders Cookie War. C'mon Uguel, put up a fight!

:D

[Mr.Blaze]

;DLOL I LOVE Uguel707 Because there new to me i never seen them and ive seen lots of jokes in my life time

[Uguel707]

{QUOTE-> LOL I LOVE Uguel707 Because there new to me i never seen them and ive seen lots of jokes in my life time <-QUOTE}

Thank you Blaze! Most of the computer jokes were taken from the web. Except my experience with a dog callled Symantec and my old aunt one. All jokes on women and men are made up from me. They are just informations gathered from observation or experiment. ;)

(I'm going to read your lasts post now)

More Reasons Why It's good to be a woman....

1.Women live longer than men.
2.Men wear rubber shoes and lose them in the street.
3.The men clothes in the Sears catalog are the same since the seventies.
4. Women can dance all evening without getting tired.
5.Men would rather sit, drink and get bored
6.ANW, most men don't know what to do on a dancing floor.
7.Men go training in a gymn but are always too tired to vacuum the floor.
8.When there is stg to lift, we call his arms while women just have to look.
9.Most men are allergic to shopping, women aren't and love it.
10.They use to be grumpy in the morning.
11. If we say a compliment to a man, he would give you a look of smug satisfaction and never say thank you.
12. Woman speak and laugh of their faults, men hide them.

But I'm glad we're different...if not, life would be boring! ;D

Jokes on women are to come...

Bye Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

I Love Her, But...

~~a collection of men's thoughts on their women~~

...she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
--Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?
--Ted, Wexford, Pa.
what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
--Miles, Shreveport, La.
she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
--Terence, Gary, Ind.
she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
--Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
--Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
--Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
--Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the darn things. Scared me half to death.
--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
--Archie, St. Louis
it annoys her that our children look like me.
--James, New Orleans
counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
--Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

[Uguel707]

{QUOTE-> Blaze Goes To Summer Camp <-QUOTE}

I loved that one...it's excellent!

{QUOTE-> (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni <-QUOTE}

looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool! ;D ;D ;D

Sure, kinda stuff everyone made in a summer camp!

Bye, Uguel

[Uguel707]

{QUOTE-> she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the darn things. Scared me half to death.
--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
<-QUOTE} ;D ;D ;D this is my favourite! All the other ones are good too!

Here's a low calory cookie for mr. Blaze. Sure, Uguel doesn't want mr. Blaze putting on weight. ;)

--Oh! sorry I have to wait a little before giving it...I gave one to sbd 30 minutes ago.They said "...just one cookie per hour" Don't worry, you'll get it!--

Bye, Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

;Darnt these jokes great i use to have a huge collection of jokes at la femme nikita bord at warner brothers a tresure trove most of these jokes come frome lfn sos bord lol

basicly an all woman bord lol xof la femme nikita fans probably one of the most strangest places in cyber space

it strange when you go to warner brothers bord or sos bord you atomaticly think its a childrens bord lol

full of kids but its actualy adults haveing the time of there life with smileys.

i come from the land of [ lol ] lmao

think of a place with thousands of me lol thats where im from the only major difrence to tell us apart is are usser names and im the little one that cant spell all others can lol

so i stick out still in the group lol

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol for those ever wondering where my first baby cyber steps came from here it is lol.

http://boards.warnerbros.com/web/wbus/topics.jsp?board=La+Femme+Nikita

then there was a war between the posters and the admin the great lfn bord war lol so we moved here

http://pub59.ezboard.com/bstraightouttasection

by the way we were kicking the admins but at warner brothers lol

he oe she sensore us then a member would refresh the page and repost what was deleted lol

so imagine hundreds of people on the bord refreshing and as soon as the admin got done it was reposted imadiatly klol.

and banding us was imposiable.

new usser naqme in 4 mibutes flat lol

yup the great bord war ahhhhhhh memorys

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dok back to the jokes lol i been burrowing mine the the tower at sos time to fine more lol

[Mr.Blaze]

;D so true

LONGEVITY

The Horse and Mule live 30 years,
And nothing know of wines and beers.
The Goat and Sheep at 20 die,
And never taste a Scotch or Rye.
The Cow drinks water by the ton,
And at 18 years is mostly done.
Without the aid of Rum or Gin,
The Dog at 15 cashes in.
The Cat in milk or water soaks,
And then in 12 short years it croaks.
The modest, sober, bone-dry Hen,
Lays eggs for Nog, then dies at 10.
All animals are strickly dry.
They sinless live, then swiftly die.
But sinful, Ginful, Rum-soaked men,
Survive for three-score years and ten.
And some of us, a mighty few,
Keep drinking 'till we're 92!

[Mr.Blaze]

A Love Story

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening while they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a stinking garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a worthless warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

[Uguel707]

{QUOTE-> so i stick out still in the group lol <-QUOTE}

I believe you in every aspects Blaze. There couldn't be 2 Blaze. That's just impossible! Unless you get cloned... ;D

Oh more jokes....

----------------------------------------------------------------------

An instructor in the BASIC programming language was teaching his class how to write a simple program and execute it. When each student had all their program steps keyed in, he told the class to type R-U-N and enter. A lady in the back of the class said that it didn't work. It turned out, when the instructor had said to type R-U-N, she had typed, "are you in."



-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?"
Customer: "Hello, yes, it's me."
Tech Support: "Oh, it's me too." [chuckle]
Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e."
Tech Support: "Oh, sorry."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tech Support: "Type 'fix' with an 'f'."
Customer: "Is that 'f' as in 'fix'?"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."
...........................................................................................

Customer: "Right, this computer's gone all crazy. It's blinking, beeping, and doing all sorts of stuff!"
Him: "What were you doing with the computer at the time?"
Customer: "I was dusting it."
...............................................................................................................
Recently I overheard two co-workers, the first of which was training the other one.


Co-Worker #1: "A boolean variable has two possible values: true or false."
Co-Worker #2: "Umm...true?"
........................................................................................

I work for an ISP. After two calls totaling 45 minutes with one customer, I asked him to bring his computer, in and I would configure it myself. He was a bit skeptical, so I assured him that he did not have to bring in the whole computer, just the CPU -- no monitor, cables, mouse or keyboard, just the CPU. He was not sure which part was the CPU, so I told him, "Just bring in the box -- the part with the CD-ROM drive and floppy drive." I explained this twice. Later he arrived with the cardboard box that his computer came in. I asked him where the computer was, he replied, "I thought you just needed to look at the box to see what model it was."
.......................................................................................

Tech Support: "May I ask who's calling, please?"
Customer: "You're joking."
Tech Support: "No, I need to know so I can log the call. What's your name, please?"
Customer: "You're joking!"
Tech Support: "No, really! I need to know."
Customer: "No...." (chuckles) "My name is Yuriy Jokin. I'm Russian. I know what my name means in English. It's very confusing!"
.........................................................................................

Bye, Uguel

[root]

Little off topic, but my favorite joke.

Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
====> Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay! <===

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky *barbecue?* with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled?it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?

Write to the author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol lol lol lol lol more more lol lol lol lol

[Mr.Blaze]

Married Too Long
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only l6?" he asked.

"Yes I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"

"Yes I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...... I would have gotten out today."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent in by Jan Thomas... Well, I won't add anything that might get him into trouble.

Married men live longer then single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he married her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Marriage is a three ring circus:

Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Marriage is a wonderful institution. It allows two persons to share the problems that they would not have had if they did not get married.

[Mr.Blaze]

;DThe Male Commandments

Thou shalt not rent Sleepless In Seattle.

When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be.... it is not appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.

When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see 'nothin'.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his felow partygoers.

You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own ---- weed whacker, car, firstborn child ---- within 12 hours' notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away Scott-free.

It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" PUNISHMENT: Following the assembly instructions for your rugrat's toys for two years.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.(In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed.

Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike item.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.

When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model... and it's free.

When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit).

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight if needed.

The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully."

[Mr.Blaze]

Computers are Like Men...


In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

~~~~~~~~O^O~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computers are Like Women...

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.



~~~~~~~~~~O^O~~~~~~~~~~~~



Things to do While Downloading


Buff your mouse pad
Make a list of things to download
Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
Count to 500 in "click" language
Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!)
Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter

11% DONE!


Name the presidents

Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
Relace your shoes

Read every classified listing for "programmers"
Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball
Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection

23% DONE!


Fill out all your registration cards in triplicate
Alphabetize your diskettes
Alphabetize your CD-ROMs
Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together

32% DONE!


Cut your fingernails
See how many words you can make from "download"
Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings
Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two
Time to windex that monitor again!

42% DONE!


Might as well balance the old checkbook
Practice the "rubber pencil" routine
Weed out the rolodex
Buff the mouse pad -- oops,already did that!
French Braid (optional)

52% DONE!

"This would be a good time to register your software" (done that!)
Re-kid proof the butane lighter
Solitaire
Solitaire round 2
Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time)

65% DONE!

Think of good domain names to pre-buy
Persue the Egghead mailer again

67% DONE!


RE-label file folders in all caps
Penny rolls, Penny rolls, penny rolls
73% DONE!



Color code your extra cables
78% DONE!



Find all celebrities that share your birthdate

83% DONE!

Nerf basketball to 100!

94% DONE!

100 situps

98% DONE!



Get ready.....
Connection Terminated - Start over!

[Uguel707]

Mr. Blaze, I copied many of your jokes to tell my friends...thank you!

from Root...
{QUOTE-> Little off topic, but my favorite joke. <-QUOTE}

Root, you did well by telling it. It made my day! Made me think of a very strong sauce I tasted in a Cameroonian party held at college. Oh boy it was strong! All people were lining for water after tasting it! ;D ;D ;D

Cheers! Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

;D actualy most these from ladys at sos and one of my fave websites the jokes i store in memory are nc 17 jokes and not permited on bords except sos lol those lady have a pervy since of huemor lol

but the ones i post here and there are really my faves


thers lots of great jokes out there and i know many people here got some good ones lol

[Mr.Blaze]

An interesting recipe in "Cook Book: Favorite Recipes From Our Best Cooks",
which is a collection of recipes from the community of Edina, Minnesota. This
recipe was submitted by a youth minister.

Bachelor Salad

1 head lettuce 1 bottle salad dressing
(any kind, not Roquefort)

Wash head of lettuce over sink, pour dressing intact on head of lettuce, eat
over sink; no cleaning, no dishes, no silverware!


~~~~~~~~~~O^O~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Are you a fan of the Original Salad Shooter, but find yourself in need of MORE
POWER?

Do you feel a need to launch tomatoes at neighbors, but can't throw?

NEVER FEAR! The New Salad Shooter 1000x is made just for YOU!

In fact, if you can't get at least a 100 foot range, we guarantee a 100% refund!

The SS 1000x is perfect for going beyond the call of duty! Instead of chopping
vegetable for a salad, it purees it! And shoots it a minimum of 20 yards, on
the lowest power setting no less!

Did your mother tell you not to play with your food? Studies by psychologists
have shown the severe mental trauma this entails. So the SS 1000x is made just
for you!

Neighbor won't return the mower? Lock and load a few tomatoes, and repaint his
house.

Cop writing a ticket? We recommend cantelope!

The possibilities are endless!

Send $19.95 to:

Jason Ferguson Industries
Hubbell Hall rm 321
Commerce, TX 75428-2805

Warning: We do not guarantee delivery. If you want the product, send us money!
Then we decide!

[Uguel707]

A few jokes on virus...


I work for the internal tech support of a company. One day I received an amusing call.


Customer: "I found a bug in my computer."
Tech Support: "How do you know it's really a bug?"
Customer: "I can see it."
Tech Support: "You can physically see a bug in your computer?"
Customer: "Yes."
This was definitely worth a trip to his office. When I got there, I saw an anti-virus warning, which included a graphic of a hand holding a bug. I explained that the anti-virus software had discovered a virus on his system.
Customer: "Well, can you give me another computer so I can let this one rest and recover for a couple of days?"
I cleaned the virus off his system and told him his computer was feeling better now.

.............................................................................................


I received a call from a woman. She had been told in a previous call that her computer was infected by a trojan virus and wanted to know where to begin disinfecting the computer. I asked her what software she was using, but she sounded a little confused. After a few minutes, I learned that she had dismantled her computer and was preparing to wipe everything down with Lysol, a disinfecting cleaner. :o

It took me another minute to compose myself and try to tell her to stop before she ruined her computer. I don't know if she did, as I never heard from her again -- and it took me ten minutes to stop laughing.

...............................................................................................


When the infamous "ILOVEYOU" email virus hit, I saw TV news coverage that included an interview with some bubblebrained company secretary. At one point she said, "Oh, I saw we had dozens of these emails coming in, and of course I was suspicious, but I had to open just one of them because, you know, 'I Love You!' *giggle* I had to just see what it was about, you know?" :-[



-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Uguel :D

[sakharg]

Here's some examples of legal humour: these cross-examinations are taken from actual court transcripts!

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember
his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her
not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and
she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?

Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
sonofabitch - and she did!

Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

[Uguel707]

from Sakhar

{QUOTE-> Here's some examples of legal humour: these cross-examinations are taken from actual court transcripts! <-QUOTE}

Very good Sakhar! I like them. I haven't got that kinda jokes yet. Sure, there must be funny things at the courthouse... ;D

Bye! Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

:D Uguel707 LOL LOL you have to go rent this movie i busted my a$$ laughing so hard i hadnt laughed that hard since the pingwions lol lol lol

the movie is called how to lose a guy in 10 days lol

god how refreshing it was great

[Uguel707]

{QUOTE-> Uguel707 LOL LOL you have to go rent this movie i busted my a$$ laughing so hard i hadnt laughed that hard since the pingwions lol lol lol

the movie is called how to lose a guy in 10 days lol

god how refreshing it was great
<-QUOTE}

Hi Blaze!

I've already written it down. It sound very funny. Hey! We've got a store where you can rent movies just for 1$
Of course, it's pretty crowded. But not as much during the day. I'll see about it tomorrow. Do you think we got it in Canada? B'cause movies arrive about 2 months after the States...ANW. I,ll check that.
--Blaze, remember the funy story you told me kinda

"Blaze go to Summercamp"

Well, I'm glad I'm not working anymore for that story is stuck in my mind and I can't keep serious for too long...
It's always coming back... ;D ;D ;D
Probably because after reading lots of your posts I could get a very accurate picture of you and your circle and so on and then the whole scenario kept playing and I...
bust laughing! ;D ;D ;D
Sure, I have a very busy year and I'm very tired and I got kinda weak.

Bye my friend!
Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol you think im funny you should talk to lowwater lol he cracks me up

[Mr.Blaze]

;D some one had post this here awhile back and it still cracks me up lol

some one should really make a broacher and send it to your frinds who always complaine about pc stuff and problems lol

Should Your Loved One be Placed in an Assisted Computing Facility

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. Maybe the time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.
What exactly is an "Assisted Computing Facility"?

Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

Who should be in an ACF?


Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal.

You must ask yourself: "How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an e-mail attachment?" "How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?" "How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'" To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story."
Must it be family, or can I place anyone in an ACF?


Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.
How much will it cost?


ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees.

Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen. Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.
How old must I be to have someone committed?


Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou e-mail and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "It came from someone we know."
What should I look for in an ACF?


First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably assisted living. On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill goddamned Gates you know!," this is probably assisted computing.

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving e-mail attachments. And LTPs should never answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."
Can an ACF resident ever get out?


No.
OK, this sounds promising. How can I learn more?


For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Mr.Blaze]

Southern Edition of Windows 2000
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2000, Southern Edition may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: Winders 2000, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.

Please also note:


The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dialup Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"

Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up.
Changes in Terminology in Southern Edition:

OK........................ats aw-right

Cancel....................stopdat

Reset.....................try er agin

Yes.......................yep

No........................noop

Find......................hunt fer it

Go to.....................over yonder

Back......................back yonder

Help......................hep me out here

Stop......................kwitit

Start.....................crank er up

Settings..................settins

Programs..................stuff at duz stuff

Documents.................stuff ah done did
Also note that Southern Edition does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 2000:

Tiperiter.................A word processing program

colerin book..............a graphics program

cyferin mersheen..........calculator

outhouse paper............notepad

iner-net..................Microsoft Explorer 4.0

pichers...................A graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Southern Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A public service announcement, shared with us by Jerry T. Arzdorf. The "T" stands for TechnoGeek.
Computer Chip: Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats." (Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class' study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that they have some downright civil rats.)

CUSTOMER: "My computer crashed!"
TECH SUPPORT: "It crashed?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, and it won't let me play my game."
TECH SUPPORT: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
CUSTOMER: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
TECH SUPPORT: "Huh?"
CUSTOMER: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
TECH SUPPORT: "Click on 'file', then 'New Game.'"
CUSTOMER: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Thomas R. Fasulo, Editor and Supreme Arch Techno-Weenie
I HATE COMPUTERS Newsletter

[Mr.Blaze]

When Not To Re-use Computer Code
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code had caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix - herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the helpless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson: Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

From the June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports. Item taken from Software Testing and Quality Engineering magazine, Volume 1, Issue 6 (November/December 1999)


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Sent in by Daniel Nichols, a software programmer in Gainesville, Florida, who is currently developing battlefield scenarios for the Department of Defense on the capabilities of the U.S. Army's M-1 armadillo main battle tank.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob, not a herd.

A large kangaroo can hop thirty feet at a time.

Kangaroos comes in all sizes because there is more than one species.

A newborn kangaroo weighs about 0.03 ounces and can fit in a teaspoon.

Do you know the names of the mother kanagaroo and her son in the Winnie the Pooh books?

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Thomas R. Fasulo, your 1/2 American and 1/2 Australian Editor who begs his readers not to think that Foster's swill is a typical Australian beer.
I HATE COMPUTERS Newsletter

[Uguel707]

Hi Blazing Son !

{QUOTE-> Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
<-QUOTE}

Neither the grasshppers... ;D ;D ;D

Where can I get a copy of:
"The Southern Edition of Window 2000"
It seems even more comprehensible than Windows XP?

Bye, Uguel ;)

[Tinribs]

I'm allowed to post this as my best friends are geordies ;)
(for non uk readers Geordies are uk residents from the north of England with a unique accent)

http://www.jardmail.co.uk/attachments/windaz2000.gif

[Mr.Blaze]

;Dlol lol lol lol lol lmao loooooooooooooollllllll

[Uguel707]

{QUOTE-> I'm allowed to post this as my best friends are geordies
(for non uk readers Geordies are uk residents from the north of England with a unique accent) <-QUOTE}

Hi Tinribs!

Saw that Windaz ;D ;D ;D

Uguel

[Jooske]

How about this Dolphin Stress test, after so much LOL LOL LOL ?
http://webpages.charter.net/hkirtley/stress

[Pilli]

Holy cow! What was that dolphin doing in that field with a shark?

[Jooske]

Yeah, the site has some nice things.

[Uguel707]

I saw a dolphin and sorta dinosaur next to it....

I'm maybe wrong ....no wonders they gave me 2 months vacations.

Uguel ;D

[Mr.Blaze]

omg im insaine i saw a cow with dolphine lol lmao

[Uguel707]

Two more tests.

Picture 1: Try to find a dog in this picture
--You have to be very close to the picture...if not it won't work--

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QwDOAoMU37wnaePNcUDTRNE8iN3d4X!LfHdFU4ojfGwoVeCIRH1hoVA0RCIlfBhnQsdZW2hRaethwwYhbf!gEe*Y003XzV*yc4IVe17sVLU/chien.gif?dc=4675429224417555209

...........................................................................................

Picture 2: How many letters can you see?

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QADPAkYTNGx8yUUCNGdw8c!zxkoV5DazVbBRGKBd8apDjoODAuqBkUOZiLdolKGTFpeKtGEN8LkENRfpjub7goIf5uWnjJHBzozPAgBwGhk/ee.gif?dc=4675429224424040610

Uguel

[Mr.Blaze]

LOL LOL lmao that really missed with my head as nothing happend i look closer thinking where dogy and wham lol there dogy i jumped back lol

i guess the gif is well timed

[Uguel707]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOl I got you Mr. Blaze! ;D ;D ;D
About the letters did you have a guess...? Some people don't agree too well...I'll have my say later. I don't want to let the cat out of the bag yet...

.............................................................................................

Funny Life Questions:

--What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

--I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. ;D

--Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

--How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? ???

--Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't Zigzag? :o

--If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

--Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

--Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

==Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? :D

--if it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? ???

--on the bottom of boxes why do they put do not turn over? (isnt it a little to late) >:(

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Exercise: To Heck With It!
told by sedentary people

At the gym where I work out, the pre- teen class is optimistically dubbed
"Olympic Hopes." The weight-loss program is called "Olympic Hips."


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the heck she is. ;D


The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.


I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.


I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. ;)


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.


I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.


The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. :D


I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. ;D


Bye, Uguel ;D ;D ;D

[Mr.Blaze]

LOL I ONLY SEE LETTER E Hey these are great jokes i like comeing here every morning it healthy to laugh and smile ;D

[Uguel707]

Hi Blaze!

Well, I'l tell you what...

For the letters, there are:

1. The big letter E

2. Then on the other side you'll side the letter "L"
(you must bend your head) ;)

3. Then there are two kinda of "z". But I'm must agree that they aren't perfect.

Hey! I'm going to change "Uguel at Cello" tell me if you like the second best...Bye.

--Go watch her change o.k.?--
I made another gif tonight but it was much simpler...
Uguel

[Uguel707]

It's already done!

I've got riddles now:

1. Your parents have a kid, that child isn't your brother or sister, who is he/she?

2. Two people drives at 60 an hour but the sign shows a max of 50 an hour. Yet, they haven't committed any offence. Why?

3. Is it possible for a man to marry his widow's sister?

--these are tricky question, think twice-- ;)

Uguel

Schnutt! I forgot to put my new ani ;D ;D ;D

http://gro